LadyStat Fu RL Wife of Morelia71 please...'s blog: "jokes"

One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So, he tied her up and went golfing.

1) Only in Australia... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2) Only in Australia... is "are you awake?" the standard concept of foreplay. 3) Only in Australia... do supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their Panadol,etc., while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4) Only in Australia... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries... and a Diet Coke. 5) Only in Australia... do banks leave both doors open, have no armed guards and chain the pens to the counter. 6) Only in Australia... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway, and store our junk in the garage. 7) Only in Australia... do we use answering machines to screen calls, and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8) Only in Australia... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process of Government. "Poli" (poly) in Latin meaning "many";and "tics"meaning "blood sucking creatures". 9) Only in Australia... do we live by the saying, "you're never too pissed if you can still find the floor". Stand proud Australia.....

A young biker walks into a seedy café in Hokitika Westland. He sits at the counter and notices an old Ulyssian biker with his arms folded staring blankly into a full bowl of chilli. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young biker bravely asks the old Ulyssian " I you aint gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The old Ulyssian slowly turns his head toward the young biker and in his best Ulyssian manner says, "Na! go ahead" Eagerly, the young biker reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli into the bowl. The old Ulyssian quietly says, "Yep that's as far as I got too

Q: What's blue and fucks old people? A: Hypothermia Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter? A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan. Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common? A: They don't fucking listen. Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts? A: Gonorrhoea Q: Why did God create yeast infections? A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too. Q. How can you tell a macho woman? A. She rolls her own tampons. Q. Why do fags like ribbed condoms? A. Better traction in the mud. Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep? A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister. Q. What do you get when you cross two black people? A. Your ass kicked. Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance? A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving. Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen? A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour. Q. Why do women call it PMS? A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken. Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy. Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? A. The cake jumps out of the girl. Q. How is pubic hair like parsley? A. You push it to the side before you start eating. Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob? A. You know she'll swallow. Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery. Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball. Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house? A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time. Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick. Q. Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it.

Two nuns, Sister Senga and Sister Helen, are travelling from Scotland through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. Aw naw!' shouts Sister Senga. 'Whit are we gonnae dae?' "Turn the windae wipers oan. That will get rid of the abomination, says Sister Helen. Sister Senga switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. Whit ahm a' gonnae dae noo?' she shouts. 'Switch on the windae washirs. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican,' says Sister Helen. Sister Senga turns on the windae washirs. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. 'It did'nae wurk, whit'll a dae?' shouts Sister Senga. 'Show him your cross,' says Sister Helen. 'Aye, that's whit tae dae,' says Sister Senga. She opens the window and shouts....... "Get tae f**k aff the f**kin' car ya wee b*st**d"

Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development. At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes. Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems - that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom." Everybody agreed to this plan. Next day - Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita." Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk." Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes - Suzie!" Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home." Teacher: "Excellent, thank-you Suzie!" At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks: "Oh heavens, Johnny tell me what new development is being built near Your home." Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel." All the young ladies get up and proceed to leave. Little Johnny: "Hey relax sluts .......... it hasn't opened yet!"