Ruff Wishing for a hot Summer's blog: "Jokes"

Love Story I will seek and find you . I shall take you to bed and have my way with you. I will make you ache , shak e & sweat until you moan & groan. I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you. And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days. All my love, The Flu Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when he hears BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him. Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him faster... faster... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping clappity-BUMP. .. clappity-BUMP. .. clappity-BUMP. .. on his heels the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything... but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket... and, (hopefully you're ready for this!!!) the coffin stops

A man named Bob got a really great promotion. His boss invited him over for dinner. The boss says " I have a son with no ears, you are welcome, as long as you don't make fun of him." Bob says," No sir! I would never do that!" That night as Bob arrived at his bosses house he was a bit nervous. He walked in and sat down at the table. The son comes in and Bob is secretly stunned. A few minutes into dinner Bob just couldn't help but stare. The son says, "I know you're staring at me cause I don't have any ears." "No!" says Bob. " I'm just admiring your hair, it's so thick, take care it so you won't be bald like me." Later, Bob just can't help it. He stares again. The son says, "I know you're staring at me cause I don't have any ears." "No!" says Bob. "I'm just admiring your skin, it's so clear and smooth, take care of it so you won't be wrinkled like me." A while later, Bob thought, "I have got to see this one more time!" He stares again. The son says, "I KNOW YOU KEEP STARING AT ME CAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY EARS!" "No!" says Bob, "I'm just admiring your eyes, take care of em' son, cause you sure as hell can't wear glasses!"

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" "Amen," replied the congregation.

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons. TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated. HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on. TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people. EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom. HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around. THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in a while. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)! DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on his or her hands! (Probably a son-in-law)

While walking through the Colorado woods a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity what the heck are you doing? "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?" Understandably curious the man says, "Well, OK." He wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, and car keys, stripped him naked, and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear, and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, Cupcake."

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.... WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?" HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?" HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: -- silence -- HUSBAND: "Shit."

A reporter decided that he was going to write an article on a local nursing home for old comedians. He made an appointment to take a tour of the facility. While he was there in the common room there were five retired comedians sitting around yelling out numbers and laughing. One would yell out "92" and everyone would start guffawing very loudly. Another would yell out "75" and more laughter would occur and one of them fell off the chair he was sitting on and began to roll around on the floor. The reporter was puzzled by this behavior, went to the director of the facility and asked him what was going on. The director explained that these comedians knew all the jokes and numbered them. So rather than telling the jokes the yell out the numbers. The reporter says "That sounds interesting. Can I join in?" The director says "Sure, let me introduce you to them." The director takes the reporter over to the comedians. The comedians say "Let's hear what you got." The reporter says "13" and the room was silent. The reporter asked "What Happened?" One of the comedians said "You didn't tell it right."

“I posed for a talcum powder advertisement when I was a kid,” said the young man. “With a face like that?” “The face had nothing to do with it.”