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A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp... blah, blah, blah... This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, 'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
A man is told on Friday by his doctor that by 3am Monday morning, he will be dead. The man rushes home, eager to hold his wife. When he tells her the news, she cries and then asks him what he wants to do with his final hours.
The man explains to his wife that he wants to make love to her all weekend. She agrees and they hop in the bed. All weekend they are making love and finally, Sunday night rolls around. The man is just ready to make love again and his wife says, "I don't think so". He is shocked that on the eve of his death, his wife would turn him down and says, "but this is how I wanted to spend my final hours"
His wife replies, "Yeah, but YOU don't have to get up in the morning"
Today At Wal-Mart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog, while in the check-out line a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ???So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive
Two hillbillies walk into a bar to wash the dust from their throats and grab a beer. They are standing at the bar drinking their beers and talking about current cattle prices when all of a sudden a woman at a nearby table, who was eating a sandwich, begins to choke. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The women violently shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" the other asks. The women doesn’t answer begins to turn blue. The hillbilly then runs up behind her, lifts up her dress, yanks down her panties and runs his tongue all over her ass in a circular motion until finally the woman becomes shocked and it send her into a violent spasm and the obstruction flys from her mouth. As she begins to breathe, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer. The other hillbilly says to his friend, "Ya know? I’d heard of that there HIND LICK MANEUVER, but, I aint ever seen nobody do it.:)
Boyfriend: Baby are you jealous?
Girlfriend: No.
Boyfriend: Baby are you jealous?
Girlfriend: No.
Boyfriend: Baby are you jealous?
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The Hillbilly Vasectomy
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After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bi (t loaded, I headed for home. Just ............as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and
cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit" Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted
An 85-year old husband and wife decide to take a road trip. She drives because she can see and he rides because he can hear.
After traveling for a while, they get pulled over by a State Trooper. She rolls down her window and the cop says "I need to see your drivers license and vehicle registration please." The woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?" The husband replies, "HE WANTS YOUR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION!"
The woman gives the documents to the officer and after studying her license the cop says, "Oh, you're from Chicago. I've been there. Actually, the worse piece of ass I ever had was in Chicago!" The woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
And the husband replies, "HE SAYS HE KNOWS YOU!"
One day a little boy gets on a bus and sits behind the bus driver.
He starts saying things like, "If my Mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I would be a little rooster," the bus driver said shut up!
Still the boy went on... "If my Mom was a female elephant and my dad was a male elephant, I would be a little male elephant," the bus driver said shut up!
