snowblyss's blog: "Jokes"

 WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING
>
> After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
> Target.  Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
> preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like
> most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the
> following letter from the local Target.
>
>
>
> Dear Mrs. Samuel,
>
> Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
> our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban
> both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.
> Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
> cameras.
>
> 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
> people's carts when they weren't looking.
>
> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
> intervals.
>
> 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
> women's restroom.
>
> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
> 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee
> to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor
> that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose
> time and costing the company money.
>
> 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
> layaway.
>
> 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
>
> 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
> children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
> blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
>
> 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
> and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were
> called.
>
> 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
> mirror while he picked his nose.
>
> 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
> the clerk where the antidepressants were.
>
> 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
> the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
>
> 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
> using different sizes of funnels..
>
> 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
> yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
>
> 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
> assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
>
> And last, but not least:
>
> 15.. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
> Then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
> The clerks passed out.

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand.

Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.

The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.
The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"
"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."

The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"

"What? And work in the dark!?!"

A SOUTHERNER MOVES UP NORTH

JAN 10 5:00 PM. It's starting to snow. The first snow of the season and

the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered

rums and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down,

clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!

Jan 11 We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white covering the

landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a

beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years, and

loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later a city

snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with

compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved

back and shoveled it again.

Jan 12 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has

dropped to about 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs

snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again.

Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of

the snow is now brownish-gray.

Jan 13 Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon

became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both

cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145 to a chiropractor, but

nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

Jan 14 Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 in order to get

to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway, and did considerable amounts of

damage to the right quarter panel. Had another 8 inches of the white shit

last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in

store for me today. That goddamn snowplow came by twice today.

Jan 15 2 degrees outside. More fuckin' snow. Not a tree or shrub on our

property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night.

Tried to keep from freezing to death with candies and a kerosene heater,

which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the

flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my

eyelashes and eyebrows. 4x4 slid on the ice on the way to the

emergency-room and was totaled.

Jan 16 Goddamn mother fuckin' white shit keeps coming down. Have to put

all the clothes on we own just to get to the fuckin' mailbox. If I ever

catch that son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow I'll chew open his

chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits

to plow shut our driveway again. Power still off. Toilet froze and part

of the roof has started to cave in.

Jan 17 Six goddamn more fuckin' inches of fuckin' snow and fuckin'

sleet, fuckin' ice and goddamn knows what other kind of white fuckin'

shit fell last night. I wounded the fuckin' snowplow asshole with an ice

axe, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going

snowblind. I can't move my toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More

snow predicted. Wind Chill -22 fuckin' degrees. I'm moving back to

North Carolina!

Stressed out...try some of these relaxing tidbits :)

1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
(This one is great to teach neices and nephews!)

2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill.
(Even better to call after doing it and say you didn't authorize it and want to know what the hell is going on!)

3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
(This one keeps cats and men occupied for awhile.)

4. When someone says "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans.
(Like going the store to stock up on ammunition maybe?)

5. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.
(And if she's cute, always ask if assistance is available.)

6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
(Not recommended for anyone with a pet Gorilla.)

7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards, and send him/her off to school as if nothing is wrong.
(You can get real creative here...especially if you put a dress on your son.)

8. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
(Trust me...they're in there! I found 70 in just the A's!)

Boredom should NEVER be an symptom in your life. All you need to do is read this list and Rock-N-Roll!
WARNING: Some of these may result in people chasing you. Always wear tennis shows and have your escape route planned out :)

1: Reply to everything someone says with, "that's what YOU think!"

2: Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route entire streets.
(This one is especially useful if you're having a yard sale!)

3: Ask people what gender they are. When they reply, ask - "are you sure?"
(Not recommended at Biker Bars)

4: Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and repeatedly saying "blah, blah, blah, blah".

5: Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
(Works even better if your rent a cop uniform.)

6: Go to your local mall. Walk up to strangers and say: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." If they answer you, go to plan 4 above. Be prepared to run real fast :)

7: Go to the local electronics or appliance store. Adjust the tint on all their TV's so that all the people are green. When an employees asks what you're doing, insist that you "like it that way."

8: Drive around your city or town honking at pedestians. Flip them off while driving by. Collect points for reactions:

A: They flip you off - plus 20 points.
B: They wave at you - minus 10 points.
C: No reaction or blank stare - minus 10 points.
D: They trip or run into something while staring - plus 25 points.
Bonus: If they fall down, give yourself 100 points