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My flight from Melbourne (home of the fake) departed at 10:15 AM Saturday morning and landed in LAX at 7:30 AM...Saturday morning. You remember that day that disappeared Wednesday? I got it back.
I heard about jet lag and I thought I would take preventative measures to avoid it or lessen its impact. I knew that if I stayed up all night before, I’d be completely wasted by flight time and I didn’t feel like being punchy going through security with the possibility of getting hassled. Instead, I went to bed at 4 AM the day of the flight. I had to be up at 6. I figured giving myself two hours of sleep would allow me to conk out on the flight and start adjusting to the change in time zones. When I woke up I was not happy but I promised myself sleep on the flight and a smooth transition. At the airport, I had errands to run and was told I had to go through two security checkouts if I wanted to drop my rental phone off first. To avoid that, I went to check in and was pointed to a HUGE line. Another line was empty to the left of me, Online Check-In. “I did online check-in. Why did they put me in this line?” I went to find out. “Of course we’ll check your bag. Enjoy your flight.” Done. Fuckers with the wrong line.
I turned in my phone and went for breakfast. By this time I was fantasizing about eggs and bacon, something I couldn’t get in Australia. I got eggs on toast (close enough) and a new friend, Rachel. We chatted over coffee and before the flight wondering if we could sit together. “I’ll ask.” No dice. “Why didn’t you ask for seats together BEFORE check-in?” I didn’t have the heart to say we had just met.
On the plane I got to my seat and greeted the old woman next to me. She said hello without looking up from her paper. 14 hours on a plane sitting next to this bitch (I judge quickly)? No way. “Mr. Steward? Can you help?” “I’ll see what I can do after we take off and the fasten seat belt sign turns off.” During take-off, I couldn’t keep my eyes open. And then the bell rang. I got up to use the restroom and the steward offered he hadn’t forgotten and that he’d look into it. One minute (and a good piss) later, the chair next to me was empty and Rachel was being escorted to her new seat. Cool. I was instantly awake…for the whole flight. I couldn’t sleep a wink. Shortly after take off, the sun went down. Most of our hours flying were spent in darkness until nearing LA. Sunlight and landing. Fuck! I’m exhausted, can’t see straight, can’t think straight and Rachel mattered much less than she did before.
I took my friend who picked me up at the airport to breakfast (remember my fantasy?) and he commented on my jet lag. “Nothing in evolution prepared humans for jet lag. 20 miles in a day? Sure. 7,500? No.” I laughed, poor sod still believes in evolution. Silly millionaire scientist.
Once I got home and settled, at about noon, I was amped again. Tired but wide awake. I had a plan, I’d take an afternoon nap soon, be up by six and in bed again at night. I’d be done with jet lag and back on schedule in no time. Sure enough, by two, I was in bed. I set my alarm for six to make a meeting. I was tired but I made it up. I yawned through the meeting and the remainder of the night. I figured I’d better stay up until after midnight so that when I slept, I’d wake up in the morning. Mind you, this was a guess. I didn’t want to go to bed too early in case I woke up after another 4 or 5 hours. I wanted to sleep until morning, late morning. So, I went to bed at 2 AM and I woke up at 6…
PM! I was asleep for sixteen fucking hours! I’ve never slept that long! Nowhere close! Not even during my drug days. Evidently, jet lag, my new best friend, will take much longer than a day to shake. Goodmorning, good afternoon and good evening Fubar.
