FU engaged to Jaaron always will be his xo's blog: "It's Real"

My emotionz pick up power and speed
Then break and smash and explode at my heart.
The great surgez of my feelings impede
All that's consciously right. I start to cry.
Every tear sendz wavez of unseen feelingz
Through the hidden surface of our livez.
They roll and fall until all love is gone,
All life is lived, and each feeling explored.

Well if you want a serious answer... I suppose, I would have to say, not saying, I love you to my dad, before he left for Iraq..
We were fighting..
Stupid stuff.. I was a younger teen, and well.. that is just how things went..
Boys, make up, something, really stupid..
Not being able to take a course I wanted in "specials"...
I was angry at him when he left...
Funny enough.. I was "daddys little girl".. we never fought..but, we were...
My step dad is great but, he has a HUGE family, tons of sons, no daughters..but, me..
I miss my dad... I wish I could somehow just go back and tell him..
I guess that is my one and only regret...

I'm not tagging anyone... if you want to read this, please do... and if you want to post one, go ahead..

Sorry, I tend to be very honest.... :(

(added: I know my aunt misses my dad too... they were very close.. HE raised her....  so, I know how she feels....)

You took a minibus to school and the public school kids laughed at you...

You thought you almost had sports teams...

You had science teachers with associates degrees in Phys Ed...

You got a ticket on the ramp up to Fletcher St...

You almost got in a fight with Goshen kids at the Goshen diner...

You know what "first Friday' is...

You used religious holidays to get together with friends...

You thought about colleges and considered Siena, Providence, Scranton, St. Bonaventure, Fordham, and every other Jesuit/Catholic school in a 300 mile radius...

You thought the world consisted of Irish and Italian Catholics...

You attended St. Stephens, Mt. Carmel, St. Joes, St. Johns, Leptondale, etc.

You played basketball or were an alter boy...

You know who Mr. D is...

You listened to a local radio station praying your local public school had off for a snow day...

Your out of school wardrobe resembled your dress code style....

Things are never easy..

No matter how we try to make everyone happy, it is impossible.

I just want someone, I can be myself around...

I am a fun, flirty, freak.

I like to have fun, be silly, and cuddle.

It's really hard because, lately I have been judged HARSHLY, over my flirty attitude.

And it's really not fair..

I am going to be 19 a week from Friday...

I deserve to be happy, in any and all relationships.

Friends...family.. and a boyfriend, if it comes to that..

All I am saying is...

I need my match..

I THINK I have found one but, the past has taught me to tread slowly..

And have fun.

So that is what I am doing.

I just wish I could stop my other friends from being dickheads and flipping out on me.

One friend, is about to lose me the next time he (yes HE) flips out on me.

*pssst to my special friend, you know who i mean*

This has been a long week...

I think I have suffered through enough drama to "trump" my whole 19yrs.

xoxo

Thanks for reading my babble.. lol.

♥Mandie

Okay... after a really great couple days..

I was about to log off and I watched a movie trailer that I had minimized at the bottom of my screen......

Now, not many ppl know... but, my birth father, died in Iraq, when all this shit started... (he died in 2005)...

He went.. and never came home...

This movie..... starts out... everybodys dream....

Soldier, MIA, or... pronouced dead, and all families prey, that it was a mistake....

So, this trailer.. just ripped me apart...

http://www.apple.com/trailers/lions_gate/brothers/

So... I don't feel so great atm...

I am going to go laying down and cry..

cya...