Ford's blog: "Understanding Me"

I haven't told my children.. I don't know what to say to them.

My heart's breaking into a million tiny shards because I know how it's going to hurt them..

I've tried, truly tried, above my duty, to make sure that they had some influence and time with their mother, good and bad. Tried to explain that she is the way she is, and only she can change that.  For more than 12 years I've tried. That's a long time. Feels like an eternity for me. Now it's over. I had filed for custody again, with assistance from Child Protective's urging. Court is on November 5th. Such a moot point now. I would've let her have supervised visits, for the kids. Only for the kids' sake. I was doing what's best for them, at this point in time. This turning point.

Everything's messed up...

This was the second child molester she had in her home around the kids. The first, nobody knew, not even her. She still wrote him in prison after the fact, but eventually told him to get lost.  The guy she's with now had touched my kid. I lost it, but I forced myself to go about it legally, thinking all the time of the children and what would happen if I had done something stupid, like murdering the bastard. Believe me when I tell you I've obsessed about it. Every day, every night and even in my dreams. Then, I had found out, just a few short weeks ago, that this is not the second man, but the third. This one had actually gone all the way with the eldest child. My kids' older sister, who's fathered by another man. Her mother called her a liar, just as my ex's mother did to her about her grandfather.

Still, I've tried to do what was right.. To see the kids smile.. While trying my damnedest to protect them, working within the laws of this god forsaken state.

Now everything's even more messed up..

Just a few short hours ago, my own mother had contacted me. The ex's mother had contacted her with some very disturbing news. The ex decided to stay in a relationship with this man. Not only that, but they fled state to avoid persecution. As usual, with most criminals, that state is Florida.  She had contacted her own mother after they had settled there, to let her know that she's abandoning the children.

My family and I are to go to the ex's home and get whatever was left there, for the kids. Furniture, toys and the like. We'll be doing it on Saturday. With some luck, my truck will be raring to go that day, as well.

I had told the kids that we'll be going to do this, but not as to why. They came at me with replies such as, "Mommy is leaving James!," and "Can Mommy stay with us until she gets a place?" The worst was my son saying he was excited about finally getting his birthday gifts from his mother. He's been waiting so long. It's not the gifts so much as it was because they were from her. His birthday was in May. Last they saw of their mother, two weeks ago, she had showed him pictures of the gifts waiting for him, but didn't bring them that one weekend. I don't know why she didn't, but I thought it was a bit cruel.

It killed me that I couldn't say the why of the situation. Not until tomorrow.

It's killing me now, because I know how they'll take it..

I feel like hell...