The last few weeks have been hazy, to say the least. I seem to be coasting through the days and drifting back and forth between depression and anger. The problem with this is that my depression is speeding towards the self-mutilation phase while the anger is rapidly approaching extreme violence. It's like one minute I want to stab another person and the next moment I want to stab myself. I feel like I'm spinning in circles, unable to break the cycle and sometimes I'm trapped inside my own head; my own thoughts. I want to kick and scream and cry, but I can't manifest these actions because I've retreated into my shell and I can't, or won't, let myself out. Everything gets so bottled up that when I finally do blow off some steam it's usually at the wrong person and WAY out of proportion. So then comes frustration, and more anger, followed by a bout of depression at my own lack of control and how stupid, stupid, STUPID my actions were. My head is pounding and I just want all this emotional pain to flow out of me... a razor sharp object is all it takes; pressed firmly against my flesh, creating a crimson streak of blood across my wrist. It's as if I watch the hurt, the anger, all of these feelings drip out of me and I've washed them away. The pain of the cut is addicting, the sharp sting lasting through the week as a reminder that I've let it go and I can't be haunted by myself... for now, at least.
