Eros's blog: "Insight Into Me"

When ever I come here now it's mostly to reminisce.

 

I look through my photos, blogs etc from over the years and enjoy the conversations and so on and so forth.

 

I don't know if this is good or bad, considering what happened but I for do enjoy it. I miss that I have lost the ability to communicate with some of the people the way I used to.

 

I also can't help but think what might have happened if I'd moved over there for someone else...

 

But I digress and want to leave this song here. It's very fitting and got me through some very hard times.

 

https://youtu.be/P-zw_sqU_mk

 

This is a serious question, but I don't think anything can actually change no matter what advice I get.

 

See, the thing is. I'm a shy bastard. I find it hard to express myself to women, it's just not something I'm comfortable with or know how to do.

 

I fear I'm going to die alone unless some woman who doesn't know better goes all Alien and latches on to me.

I've noticed a lot of late a rather menacing amount of anger perforating my brain.

 

Small little things get in there and fester and all I can think about is tearing heads off.

 

Example, bus coming home today, only seats available are down the back, two people on opposite sides talking, legs out in the aisle, said excuse me...nothing.

 

That, pissed me off, was sitting there thinking that I should've just punted their legs out of the damn way.

 

Another example, guy at work sometimes calls me big Lew. Everytime I hear it I immeadiately want to punch him in the face.

 

I scare myself.

As some of you may remember, my brother pissed me off when I got back from stateside, and I'm still not talking to him. Need to refresh your memory? http://www.fubar.com/blog/190754/1101712 Anyways, I texted him a few weeks ago because I lent him my guitar hero game and I wanted it back. Instead of replying to me he phones my mum up and says I aint getting shit until I apologise to him. Now, he's got another thing coming if he thinks that's going to happen. I've decided I've had enough of his everything revolves around me act, however he may dress it up as something else. Think I'm right in doing so?

So, as my status said the other day, I was going to be a dad.

That is no longer so, she miscarried.

 

As much as I was never ready for it, when I knew, I looked forward to sharing this joy and responsibility with the woman I love.

Now that it's gone before it even began, it's an odd sense of shock and loss that I've not felt before, and I don't care for it.

 

All I know is, we have time to make this right, and we will.

So, it's come to my attention that I'm a complete brain dead zombie (well, not really, just sounds better that way).

Is this a bad or a good thing?

On the good side, it's hard to be stressed when your basically devoid of thought. Along with the fact that I have to be better at thinking on the spot.

On the bad side, well, as most of you know, I'm not the most talkative chap. Along with the fact that thinking on the spot doesn't always turn out too well...

 

But I'm still undecided really, not that I'll be changing any time soon, but you know, is good to think these things once in a while, get that bain alive for a couple of minutes.

You ever say something to someone, and the next day realize it's one of the worse things you've ever done?

I have. I said something and now entirely regret every last ill typed word of it.

I'm sitting here, tears in my eyes, stomach in knots, because I've lost the respect of someone that I cared for

I'm sitting here, trying to chat with the love of my life, but all I can think of is the hurt I've caused this person, and what I would do to take it back.

Looking at the shoutbox constantly, hoping for the one thing I want more than anything at this moment, any sign of forgiveness.

 

 

The regrets of a fool.

After a nice chat in someone's blog, I felt the need to explain my reason for disliking the whole idea of legal marriage.

 

First things first, my parents divorced 7 or so years ago.

 

Back story, my dad was a waste of space. Pretty much never worked, was an alcoholic, always in trouble with the police. We only managed because my mom worked full time.

 

Now, the point of this blog.

When the divorce went through, he was awarded three hundred thousand pound, or something stupid like that, even though he deserved fuck all.

 

That, is my gripe with the whole ideal with marriage.

 

 

On my way back to work from lunch today, a cyclist didn't stop at a zebra crossing, and it reminded of this story.

Told it to the teacher I was with and he couldn't stop laughing, let's see if the same happens here ;)

Is short, don't worry.

 

Basically, I was on my way to school, say, 3 years ago ish.

Saw my bus was at the stop, started running to catch it, missed a cyclist coming down the road and WHACK!

Me and him in the middle of the road dazed and confused.

Get up, help the guy to the pavement with his bike, and he notices I've broken the steering column on it.

 

He ran me down and I wrecked his bike....