So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my life… like what has made me into the person I am today… its sad but I don't even know that I have all those answers…
People have come to disappoint me throughout my life… whether it be family, friends or those I've loved along the way. I've learned to shut out the pain and hide it deep within myself but that has not made me a better person… I chose to hide from what I feel rather then face it head on. I put a wall around my heart so thick that I don't know if what I feel is real anymore. I care endlessly for those around me and help feel their pains when they are hurting but refuse to let anyone help me.
I've tried to destroy every good relationship I have ever been in out of fear… that I could never live up to someone else's standards if they actually knew the real me. People claim to know me, but that's not even the half of it. I've only really ever let two people into my heart before and at the first sign of trouble I shut them back out again.
I'm the woman of a thousand faces so to speak… I show people what they want to see and hide the rest away. Love is a figment of my imagination, because even the one person I thought I really every loved, I now feel so unsure about. I think it was more the ideal of the situation then anything else, having someone to come home to and lie in bed next to, rather then ever loving that person at all. I've tried to pinpoint the time in the relationship where for me it all fell apart… I think it was the first fight… we were in a perfect blissful happiness up until then and even after the fight was over it was over in my heart too for I had brought the barriers and guarded feelings back and it never was the same again. She never truly got her rightful place back in my heart again…
I justify my cold, uncaringness as a way to avoid pain, but like everything else it is inevitable. I feel pain, but I never let it break me, instead I crawl back into myself and act like I don't give a fuck to the world as a whole… unfortunately I hurt those around me in the process.
I'm a train-wreck waiting to happen… or maybe it did happen and I was unaware. Either way… I lack human emotions at times when they are crucial to saving something that is meant to be saved. For fucks sake I helped move my ex fiancée to Texas to avoid having to run into each other around town…
I stopped crying a long time ago… I never even "mourned" the official ending of the relationship… a quick hug, and I drove off… one night of apologies later and that was it.
Did I ever really love? Or was it all something I wanted myself to believe? Did I ever care? I don't have the answers, not for myself or anyone else… she's asked me a thousand times before what went wrong so she could try and fix it but I never knew… I don't know that I will ever know. I think it was all me… too fucked up to care and too cold-hearted to prevent from trying my damnest to break her down and try to destroy her like I felt destroyed.
She was right about one thing… I probably do need help, but what's the point of someone telling me I'm fucked up in the head, that I know, and even if I did have the deep dark subconscious reason for why I do the things that I do that I would be able to, or more importantly, want to change myself for the better. There are advantages for my fucked up logic in given situations.
Who knows… it is what it is… I'm fucked up and that I know and if someone can't handle that then maybe it's never meant to be…
Hmm… thinking I do not like to do… just makes me realize how I think I'll never really be happy…
