BOJANGLEZ's blog: "I NEED HELP"

ok well he's going and there's no stopping him no matter how badly my heart is saying "be selfish you stupid bitch" i cant and wont do it.....i still havnt slept.....over 48 hrs now and well i got to take a 2 hour nap basicly......anywho....well like i said he's going i dont know when but i wont worry about it im gonna focus on getting a job I WONT MOVE BACK HOME AGAIN! i have to this on my own by myself just me and my kids no boys no men no males period.......now johnny thinks im going to have a new guy as soon as he's gone......and well i hate to tell him he's wrong no matter if he believes it or not but still......i know what johnny wanting though...thinking that.....he wants me to move on with my life and find someone new and well.......i wont have time for that im making time for me and my kids thats it......the only time i have is going for mommy and work and school too if im lucky!.....but anyways the point is im tired and i wish i could sleep i cant and im scared my body will shut down again here soon from this and i know its dangerous but its not my fault i just cant sleep no matter how hard i try......and due to the crap in my life and the lack of sleep i cant stop crying and i want to stop crying.......but anyways theres an update ill be back with more later!

Life HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SO BORED OUT OF UR SKULL THAT YOU JUST SIT BACK AND THINK ABOUT THINGS GOING ON IN LIFE?.....WELL I HAVE AND I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT THINGS HERE LATELY.....IT ALL STARTED WHEN JOHNNY WAS TALKING ABOUT GOING TO GEORGIA.....WELL HE MADE UP HIS MIND THAT HE WASNT GOING TO GO SOMETIME BEFORE THANKSGIVING......BUT NOW THE OTHER DAY AS HE WAS TALKING ON THE PHONE WITH HIS SON I SAW IT IN HIS EYES.......I SAW THE FACT THAT HE REALLY NEEDS TO BEDOWN THERE I CAN SEE IT IN HIS EYES HOW MUCH HE MISSES THEM AND HOW MUCH HE LOVES HIS KIDS AND HOW MUCH HAPPIER HE WOULD BE WITH HIS KIDS......SO THEREFORE I TOLD HIM THAT I THINK HE REALLY NEEDS TO GO.....NOW I KNOW WHAT UR THINKING AM I STUPID FOR TELLING THE MAN THAT I LOVE TO LEAVE ME AND GO BE WITH HIS KIDS.......WELL MAYBE.....BUT I JUST KNOW DEEP DOWN INSIDE NO MATTER HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM I CANT IN A MILLION YEARS MAKE HIM AS HAPPY AS IS KIDS CAN........AND HONESTLY YES IT HURTS LIKE HELL BUT YOU KNOW WHAT IM STARTING REALIZE....ILL BE JUST FINE.....I HAVE MY KIDS AND THATS ALL I NEED IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW ANYWAYS.....YOU KNOW BEFORE I MET JOHNNY I ACTUALLY CUT MEN OUT OF MY LIFE FOR A WHILE AND THEN I MET HIM AND I KNEW THAT HE WAS THE ONE FOR ME THE ONE TO SHOW ME TRUE HAPPINESS AND LOVE......AND FOR THAT I WILL ALWAYS BE THANKFUL TO HIM BUT AS FOR EVERYTHING ELSE......ILL HAVE MEMORIES AND I STILL HAVE MY BEST FRIEND THE BEST FRIEND I'VE EVER MET IN MY ENTIRE LIFE......AND BASICALLY WHA IT ALL BOILED DOWN TO FOR ME IS JOHNNY IS THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ME IN A VERY LONG TIME.......AND ILL ALWAYS THANK HIM......JOHNNY AND I HAVE BEEN THROUGH ALOT TOGETHER IN THE FEW MONTHS THAT WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER.....THE LOVE THE FUN THE NIGHTS YOU'VE ALL READ ABOUT IN HIS BLOGS!.....THE MISCARRAIGE.....EVERYTHING!.....I'LL LOVE HIM FOR EVER AND FOR EVERYTHING HE'S DONE FOR ME.....MAYBE IM STUPID FOR THIS BUT STILL IN THE LONG RUN IT WILL MAKE ME WISE, STRONG, AND A BETTER PERSON FOR THE NEXT TIME I FIND LOVE......BUT FOR NOW YES I'LL CRY A BIT AND HURT A BIT TOO BUT AS FOR YOU WHEN YOU SEE ME YOU'LL NEVER KNOW UNLESS I BREAK DOWN IN FRONT OF YOU BECAUSE FOR ME I AM VERY EMOTIONAL BUT AT THE SAME TIME IM VERY GOOD AT HIDDING MY FEELINGS FROM ANYONE.......NOW THE PAST FEW DAYS I'VE BEEN DISTANT FROM JOHNNY I KEEP TELLING MYSELF THAT THIS WILL MAKE IT EASIER FOR ME WHEN HE GOES BUT YOU KNOW WHAT IM NOT SURE WHEN OR IF HE'S EVEN LEAVING BUT IF I KEEP THIS UP TOWARDS HIM THEN ITS JUST GONNA PUSH HIM OUT THE DOOR QUICKER AND IT'S GONNA MAKE ME MORE MISSERABLE......BUT FOR THE TIME BEING I'VE MADE HIM FEEL LIKE A HORIBLE PERSON BECAUSE ALL I CAN SEEM TO DO ANYMORE IS CRY AND WONDER IF MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GO AHEAD AND BREAK UP WITH JOHNNY AND JUST BE AS WE ARE BUT AS ROOMATES IN THIS HOUSE SO HE CAN CONTINUE TO WORK AND SAVE HIS MONEY FOR WHEN HE DOES GO HE HAS THE MONEY TO GET HIS PLACE AND IN THE MEAN TIME IM HOPING OF GOING BACK TO SCHOOL AND FINDING A JOB I HAVE HELP WHERE I NEED IT WITH THE KIDS......BUT I WONDER IF THAT WOULD EVEN BE A GOOD IDEA OR IF THAT WOULD JUST PISS HIM OFF SO MUCH MORE......AND WELL I THINK IT WOULD PISS HIM OFF......AND YOU KNOW I'VE REALIZED THAT THE ONE THING THAT IM GONNA DO IS LOVE HIM UNTILL THE DAY HE DOES GO....AND I NEED TO JUST ACT AS IF EVERYTHING IS FINE WITH US I MEAN NO OFENSE ANYONE READING THIS BUT NO MATTER HOW MUCH THIS MACHINE TELLS ME THAT I HAVE SO MANY FRIENDS.....I DONT REALLY HAVE THAT MANY FRIENDS AND THE ONE TRUE FRIEND I THOOUGHT I HAD THAT I COULD TALK TO ABOUT ANYTHING......WELL SHE PRETTY MUCH DOESNT TALK TO ME ANYMORE I'M NOT REAL SURE WHY BUT SHE DOESNT......I WAS SO UPSET THE OTHER NIGHT ABOUT ALL OF THIS AND I WENT TO HER HOUSE AND KNOCKED ON HER DOOR IN THE POORING RAIN FOR ABOUT 10 MINUTES RANG THE DOOR BELL AND FINALLY GOT PISSED OFF AND SAID OUT LOUD ( SO LOUD HER NEIGHBORS COULD HERE ME IM SURE) "TO HELL WITH THIS WHERE'S A FUCKING FRIEND WHEN YOU REALLY NEED ONE THE MOST?" AND I GOT IN MY CAR AND DROVE OFF......THEN IT STARTING RAINING HARDER AND WELL WHAT A KNOW I RAN OFF THE ROAD AND HIT A MAILBOX....IM FINE NO DAMAGE DONE BUT STILL.....AND THATS WHEN I CAME TO THE CONCLUSION......HE'S HERE WITH ME FOR NOW IM GONNA ENJOY THE REST OF OUR TIME TOGETHER NO MATTER HOW PAINFULL OR HOW LOVING IT MAY BE.....BUT REGUARDLESS I LOVE HIM AND IVE NEVER HAD LOVE LIKE THIS BEFORE AND FOR THAT IM GRATEFUL TO HIM NOW AND FOREVER NO MATTER WHAT MAY COME ........... I'LL KEEP YOU POSTED ON WHAT HAPPENS........

ok wow is all i can say right now im stund at the fact that johnny has let me into his world enough to let me know about a few things that are going on with him and his thoughts. i thought it would be something easy for me to help him with but how can i help him when im hurting myself? its not easy and honestly im numb at this point i dont know what to tell him i mean in a way yes i think it would be nice for him to go back and be with his kids but what does that leave me? hurt selfish for not wanting him to go or does it mean that deep down he's thinking that if can give him up for something like this then maybe i never loved him as much as i say i do. well i do love him but i cant be selfish on this one i dont know what to do but i dont to be responsible for with holding him from his children. i know he says that i havnt done anything and i believe that but what am i supposed to do do i tell him to leave me to be happier than he is with me or do i tell him to stay with me and just be selfish and make him pay and be misserable to be here with me. i mean what do i do i need help here i mean i know we just moved in here in july but everything is in my name and well the only problem is im not working and i know i need to so that way if he decides that im not the one and that none of this is right for him then i wont have to move back to my dads or infact i wont have to leave and go to my moms, but i woould be on my own finally and i know i could probably move on with my life quick and act as if it dont hurt but what am i to do? im just not sure i need an opinion that is from the outside but i dont know what to do im numb and i hate this feeling i dont want things to be different between him and myself but i know that no matter what we'll remain friends but that alone will be hard enough for the fact of when he comes to see logan then he'll want to come see my girls too! but then im left with the delima myself of letting him go to be happy and i want him to be happy even if its not with me but im not sure what to do i know how to move on with my life ive done it several times before but theres the fact of my kids too. they call him daddy and they know that he's not really there daddy but what about them i know there all i need and well we're strong and we've gotten through alot together since i left there daddy but i just dont know anymore i dont want things to change between me and him but in a way they already have. please someone anyone help me i need to know what the right thing for me to do is.