Icarus's blog: "I need a drink."

There once was a boy who sat at the edge of a frozen lake. Crystal specks littered the ground like discarded diamonds. He wondered why ice fields weren't coveted beyond any measure. Were they not beautiful. Were they not unique. Were they not just as fragile and ephemereal as a virgin's gasp? He wondered why life in it's infinity of wasted moments, was so precious but so disregarded. this finite life, momentary, blink of existence. People all around him saying This is the best we'll have. All we have. The miracle is here. The miracle is all around us, enveloping us in sunshine kisses, twilight wanderings, cold wind that smells like family dinners. The whisper of snow that echoed two lovers huddled and smiling under the covers. So much love in their eyes, such a warming presence, oblivious to the outside world, the silent dark world. The only thing that mattered, was the brilliant miracle of those two people. Together, one observer would hope- forever. Why waste such finite perfection? Why bother going in to a job you hate, only to beat the everliving piss out of your wife when you get home. Why throw your kid through a wall for getting grape juice stains on the new carpet. Why lie. Why steal. Why cheat. Why betray. Why hate. Why waste. Why not hold every moment of happy perfection in the palm of your hand like the tiny, vulnerable, perfect snowflake it is. And cry tearlessly when it dissapears. The young man wondered. About a great many things that day. Why the child had been born blue and silent. Why the blood on the sheets had been so dark. Why the men in sterile green uniforms had to pull his screaming, distraught form from the room. Why even in death was his wife so terribly beautiful. Unforgetable. Perfect. He wondered if the barrel of the gun would stick to his tongue just like that pole his brother had dared him to lick on a day like this so many innocent years ago. And for some reason... that particular snowflake made him laugh and cry tearlessly as the hammer fell and the perfect cold white crystal desert was littered with specks and smears of perfect warm red. He only hoped that his smile had been preserved half as well as the fading life of ice on a bright winter day. As perfectly temporary, as quietly beautiful, sometimes unnoticed, often neglected, as any other miraculous moment of his life.

I'm edgey. Twitching. Waiting. Begging. Time. Thief of all my peace. But at least it smells like my childhood again. Sapphire sky. Whiffs of cool. Promises of cold cider and turkey sandwiches. Echoes. Ages. It all passes. Mocking me. Haranguing me in front of all my imaginary friends. I hate where I am. But I can stomp it out. Put my heel into the base of its spine and push. If I just work. If I just be a man. Submit. Accept. Reject. All in due matter of waste of time. But if I can just be a master. Offer my self. Prove my self. I can finally be worth a good god damn I'm so fucking worthless.

Seriously. I don't care if you hate so and so. I almost care if so and so stole your pics, because... I hate thieves. I don't give a rats ass if someone is A.) Missing B.) Has Cancer C.) Shanked you Why? A.) I can't do jack shit about it, and there's some dismal statistic stating that kids, or ... anyone, who has gone missing for x amount of time is 99% SURELY DEAD. Sucks, but... maybe you should ask your local police force to employ better methods in tracking missing people or locking up repeat sexual offenders as they are the people that commit most of these crimes B.) So did my brother's Fiance's mom. ... Could I fucking do anything about it? No. Fuck, I imagine 1/8 people I know will get cancer of some kind. Thoughts and prayers go with you by default... your situation is tragic, but there is NOTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU! Please ask your congressman to fund research for a cure NOT ME! C.) ... ... ... By this point I probably want to shank you. So I'm just going to go ahead andlaugh my ass off at the visual of you in a hospital bed with seeping wounds bloodying your fresh linen bandages. And I sure as fuck don't care about your fucking shout outs- pleas for popularity contests, pleas for rates/fans/friends/blasts or any other bullshit. Post something noteworthy. Something news worthy. Something fucking interesting like... I dunno The long awaited game Bioshock is out. Sure... It lacks substance, its not dramatic, its not tearjerking, but... it's a bulletin board, not a fucking wambulance or a cross. You're all a fucking punchline. And you've made this site into one too.

Man.. I am SO fucking sick of reality TV elimination ceremonies. Also... I've decided I want to write about dwarves. Fuck off.

There he is, staring into me, with his one cold, unblinking green eye. Daring me. Imploring me. Challenging me. Mocking me. "You think you're so fucking cool!" I say to him. But the impassive visage of the great satan does not crack into a sneer. He barely acknowledges my existence. Despite how close he and I are. How much time I've spent with him... he just stares and hums. Monomelodically. Smug. Superior. Unmoving. Cold. Rat bastard knows I need him. But like a petulant child he just sits peering in my soul pretending he doesn't owe me the common courtesy of acknowledgement. "BEAST! TEMPTER! WELL-DRESSED TURD! GIVE ME WHAT I NEED! RELENT! YIELD! PERISH! SUBMIT! I AM YOUR MASTER!" I scream finally breaking. I pull his face to mine. My breath coming out in mad irratic blasts. His mastered and perfect features dew-misted by my shallow, rasping spittle. Hours pass in silence. Hours pass in unanswered pleas and bribery. Finally I reach behind him, and pull the plug from the wall. The monotonous hum ceases, and the green eye fades. "something with the video card I just know it..."

All night long. Glass shards screaming in my head. Splintered and colliding like e-tards on whizzbangs listening to the third consequetive rendition of a daft punk song. FUCKITMUSTNOTCOUNTFORSOMETHINGMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOP IT MAKE THEM STOPPUTTINGTHESETHINGS IN MY H E A D I CANT TAKE ITANYMOREIJUSTWANTSOMEPEACEANDFUCKINGQUIETDENYDEFYDESTROYFUCKIDONTWANTTHISIJUST WANT TO BE NORMALSPECIALNORMALSPECIALBRILLIANTBUTTHEYKEEP TAKING FROM ME IWILLBEAGOODBOYIFYOUMAKEITSTOPIWILLBEAGOODBOYIFYOUMAKEITSTOPIWILLBEAGOODBOYIFYOUSTOPIWILLBEAGOODBOYIFYOU MAKE IT STOP I made promises with a god I doubt, but don't defy or deny. I made promises to myself... that I knew I couldn't keep. But the cicadas stopped. The painandfearinmyhead theringing thelonging theterrorofbeing went away if only for a moment. I think because I am. Nothing. I just want the perfect pill. She's called complacency. Not peace. Not solutions, or absolution. Oblivion. Sweet and forgiving. Never judging, never there, never putting ciggarettes out on your chest for forgetting her birthday. Just nothing. Just. Nothing. Because nothing is just. Nothing but empty. And I can bring the empty. With one determined little... flash... bang... No. Nothing so messy this time. With pleas, to a God that secretly laughs behind your back. To a God that wants the chaos to win. Wants your lands and souls to be left barren and windrashed. Pleas to an enemy within. That loves twisting that poison dagger "freedom" in your liver. Because it won't kill you... not immediately anyway. No. Nothing so loud this time. I can bring the empty. It comes in a bottle. Close to my heart. Harvested. Refined. Aged to perfection. One drop is enough. ... One swig is to kiss death's firm ass. The whole damn bottle ? Is to smack God with your cock. Right on the chin. It's carving your favorite word on your forearm and pouring bleach in the wound. It's cutting off your balls just to put that soft sack-skin on your tongue. Pulling your eye out of the socket just to shoot up. Until that port gets rotten too and they have to amputate your brain. Just makes you (and by you I mean me) more of the nothing you were meant to be.

An empty glass of self. Melted wings. Shattering smartly in the sea. Every. Not sure where I went wrong. Even more unsure of where I went right. Can't. Everything I do is wrong. Everything I do... hurts someone. Everyone. Am I only consumable by the naive' fearful weak Will I be canabalized? Am I? I want someone to save me from myself. Stop the hammer falling. Pull the gin from my mouth. Catch the bullet with my pillow. Catch some Z's with my face. Strike that Reverse it. Love. Always. Makes you wonder.

Were the last three months of my life a complete waste of time like they should have been? Nope. I traveled a couple hundred miles away and helped my brother move... only for him to move again in a week another couple hundred miles. I gained a lover/fiance'/livein I payed $500 that I barely had for a beautiful and wonderful mastiff puppy. I got a job. I lost a job. I editted a professionally submitted story. I passed two classes. I withdrew from one. I concluded my court going days. I payed dues. I am still owed. I still owe. I evicted a rotted cancerous shit licker of a roommate. I bought a plane ticket for a new one. I lived. I loved. I lost. I won. I learned. And I've still got a long ways to go.

I never asked you to. Do not put your guilt on me. Defy. Choose. Live. Live like you're not afraid. Live like you can make your own god damn decisions. Like you don't care if anyone thinks you're less of a man. That's true courage. Anyone can point a gun at a stranger. But the fact is, you won't. You'll just call in death. And he will deliver. COD, overnight flight. Defy. Choose. Live.