So I recently spent some time in Stockton. Been about a year and a half I lived down there. And I'm just hoping to God I get to move back to Sacramento soon.
Anybody else been through Stockton? Sucks ass doesn't it? It does, no joke folks. I've lived all over the country, ok? My family was one that, every few years, tended to, oh do I say this? Wear out their welcome?
*Voice of Bill Lumbergh* "Hey folks, what's happening? Look, glad you guys could stop by but, uh, yeeaah we're done. If you could just, ya know, pack up, move on, not make a big scene that'd be great. Mkay?"
But anyway, I swear to Christ, Stockton is one of the worst places I've ever lived. It's like the New Jersey of California. Even people from Jersey are like "Uh uh, we ain't that bad, fuck yaself."
For those lucky bastards out there who've never been, let me just paint you a picture of what it's like down here.
First off, you only meet two kinds of people in Stockton; The ones that have lived here their entire lives, and the ones who want to get the hell out. It's like this is the town the movie Flashdance was based on without the dancing or the happy ending.
Also too, Stockton is the most illiterate and crime heavy city in the country… Let me repeat that cuz I'm not sure the gravity of this situation has really sunk in yet…
The Most Illiterate AND Criminal... per capita!
I shit you not. I was driving by the Blockbuster I used to work at that they closed down to put in a Sketchers. Oh, the reason they closed it was because the store was getting 50+ dvds stolen per day. *Pause* It's like they were all in a meeting about what to do when somebody stood up and went "Brilliant! Let's close the place and put shoes on the shelves instead!"
Come on!! Are you joking me? Shoes? That just means the little pricks are gonna be looking fly in their new kicks they ran out of the store wearing.
Anyway, driving past the store before it got reopened, that thing had been tagged more times than the fat kid in freeze tag. "*huff huff* C'mon Billy, that's no fair! I can't be it 15 times in a row, even with no tag backs!"
But there were all kinds of signs and slogans on parts of the building not even accessible to maintenance, alright? It's like Spider-Man got bored and was spray painting and web slinging at the same time.
Stockton has shitty superheroes. I digress.
The biggest tag that could be seen from the road was in big, white letters "F-U-X-D-A-P-L-E-E-S". At first I thought it was like an anagram or something, maybe some gang slogan, I dunno. But then, about two weeks later I noticed that the X had been turned into a much larger K and someone had tagged a small A in between the P and the L.
That's the moment I went "Oh my God! They can't even spell 'fuck the police'! No, no, it's 'fük da pahleese'!
Let me give you another example. My spell checker went insane while writing this by the way. Anyway, Stockton has a few, like maybe 5, redeeming qualities. One of these is that there is a Disney store in one half of their mall. First off, their mall is not like a regular mall, it's not an assortment of buildings assembled in a somewhat geometric design. It's a row of stores all clumped together and cut in half by a street. *Looks around, highly confused*
Supposedly it was originally going to be two malls. But when you have half what you're looking for in one side and half in another, it's just one mall... cut in half. Who cares that there's a Hot Topic in both? That just means the emo-kids are twice as depressed in Stockton. Wouldn't you be?
Anyway, I love Disney, always have and might continue on in the future, not so sure. But yeah, I mean come on, we grew up on those, right? You go over to grandma's you eat your meal you go watch a Disney movie in the back room cuz that's the only one that's "all age appropriate."
One of my claims to fame before I started really putting myself into stand-up was that I know most of the classic Disney songs by heart. No it doesn't make me a fag, fuck off. But when you spend that many years babysitting that many kids, it sort of finds a way to embed itself into your psyche.
Back to the Disney store. I was needing a job pretty badly, and I'd been turned down most places in Stockton. I think they were intimidated that I could read and fill out the application without using my Hooked on Phonics cards or an interpreter. So I go into the Disney store, just in my average look. One of those Criss Angel type t-shirts with the silkscreen necklaces and stuff on 'em, my black short sleeve button up that's got skulls, a couple of wings and the all-seeing eye. Yeah, I'd tried applying at goth-in-a-box first, sue me, they were right next door.
Anyway I walk in and the first thing I notice is the teller has got kind of a twitch, keeps blinking and jerking his head over towards the back room. I kind of ignored it, figured I'd be twitchy after living in Stockton all my life too. Anyway, I told him my background with Disney and how I was trying to see if they were hiring, started singing "A Whole New World" from Aladdin. The guy looks me up and down, takes in the outfit, the tattoos and the piercings and tells me "You're too soft to work here." And again with the twitchy.
Are you joking me? Too soft? To work at the goddamned Disney store? Whatever, I was pissed so I waved him off, "fuck you very much" and walked out.
Later that night I'm watching the news: "Also today the local Disney store in the Sherwood mall was held up at gunpoint by a 14 year old girl wanting a copy of the new Pirates of the Caribbean collector's gift set. Authorities are still…"
*Hands drop and a completely shocked and bewildered look crosses my face*
14 y- Held u- Pirate- Fuck it, I'm too damn soft to work at Disney man!"
