In The Mirror I See Nothing's blog: "I'm a little upset...my thoughts..."

Alex cheated on me 4 times, 2 of them I didn't find out until a couple months ago. I cheated on him about 4 times, so we're pretty much even. He first cheated on me soon after we got together 2 years ago. I didn't cheat on him until a few months after we got together. Yet I'm the cheater in the relationship. I haven't cheated on him in a year. He last cheated on me this past February. His ex, Sara, has been trying to get him ever since we got back from Oregon in December. She was the skank he slept with in February, but he was very intoxicated. He told some people some of his problems about me before he realized that he could actually talk to me about shit. So now they think that I'm this horrible, cheating person. "Why is he still with her when she's cheated on him?" He cheated on me first! He cheated on me recently with that whore! Yet I'm the fucking problem. Everything's my fault, right? There's nothing wrong with Alex, just me. Instead of him straightening the mess out he caused he just tells me to not worry about it. How can I not? Even though he's not talking to her anymore she's still trying to pull shit, talking shit about me, yet he won't do anything about it. He won't tell her to fuck off. Is he really happy with me? Does he really even fucking care? Yes I'm VERY upset about this. People say not to worry about what others think of you, but he won't do a damn thing. How can I not worry? He still has a connection with her, doesn't talk to her, but he's gonna let her talk shit about me. I didn't have time to talk to him about it this morning b/c he had to go to work. All he knows is that I'm upset and it has to do with Her. Maybe the reason I'm upset is b/c I'm stressed out, or b/c I'll be starting my period soon, or something else. I don't know. But this shit's really bugging me. Am I just worrying myself for nothing or do I have a right to be upset about all this?

...when someone that doesn't even have big tits and doesn't even look like a girl puts herself out there and stoners leave her comments saying, "You're so hot!", "I wish I were in the shower with you..", "Quit teasing me and just take the towel off..". This girl has size negative boobs, is a twig, uni-brow, and looks like a male. You know how she makes up for her loss of boobs?... her boyfriend. He has bigger boobs than me! They both know they're not MY friends and Alex is barely even talking to them, showing that he is not interested in them what-so-ever, even though the girl keeps telling me how "in love" she is with him, more than I ever could! Even though we don't get along AT ALL, she still comes to check my profile and sends Alex gifts and nice comments saying she misses him. -_- When the opportunity arrises, I WILL beat the shit out of her and her big titted boy toy for all their stupid shit. Oh! Almost forgot to throw in this little detail... Her boy toy, not even a boyFRIEND, is SOOO in love with her he'll do ANYTHING for her! She puts him threw SOO much shit, yet he always comes back. Even when she groped Alex when I walked in and her boy toy found out he tried blaming it on ALEX! Because his poor "little sweet angel" would NEVER do a thing like that. -_- *cough*bullshit*cough* Just to get it through her fucking head, if it even does register in her little mind: ALEX AND I ARE ENGAGED! HE'LL NEVER GET WITH YOU IN ANY WAY! DON'T TRY GETTING WITH ME JUST TO GET WITH HIM BECAUSE I DON'T EVEN WANT TO TOUCH YOU! ONLY RICHARD WANTS TO DEAL WITH YOUR ANNOYING, MAN-LIKE FEATURES, COTTAGE CHEESE FLAT ASS, FLAT CHESTED, TWIG SELF! GO ON WITH YOUR "HAPPY LIFE", AS YOU PUT IT, AND LEAVE EVERYONE THE FUCK ALONE! THERE'S NO POINT IN YOU LOOKING AT MY PROFILE OR SENDING THINGS TO ALEX, BECAUSE HE JUST DELETES THE MESSAGES ANYWAY WITHOUT READING THEM! I KNOW, BECAUSE I WATCH. HEH POOR YOU. ONLY LOVED BY A FAT, BIG TITTED DUMB FUCK. She probably keeps looking in my profile to see what all's going on, most likely looking to see if Alex and I broke-up or not so she can just jump right in in a heart beat, and because she's jealous of me. 1) b/c I have Alex, 2) b/c I actually look like a girl and better than her, 3) I actually have a chest, 4) because I don't look like white trash...unlike her. Oh, and just to make things better, her name is Jessica (Dropped Dead Gorgeous (can't even spell)) Lancaster, and her big titted boy toy is Richard Howell (Wulfpup). ^_^ Hope you enjoyed my ventilation and the knowledge of these 2 idiots. I hope nobody ever comes across the 2 of them in their life because you'll NEVER get rid of them.

Wednesday I went to the club, like usual, for karaoke. Only one of my friends was there with her aunt. It wasn't the same with everyone else not there. Alex was at home sick, 2 of my friends had to clean house, and I don't know about the others. For some reason, to me, my voice was off and I didn't do as well as I usually am. My friend, Lyz, kept telling me that I did great. Her and her aunt left about 11-11:30 so I was alone. A bunch of guys kept looking at me and trying to approach me, and I just didn't feel comfortable. I didn't dance at all like I usually do, either. After I sang my last song, "Bring Me to Life" by Evanescence, I decided to leave. On the way home I kept thinking about how I can't really sing or dance. At that moment I decided to never go to the club again. There's no point if I can't sing or dance, right? I have no talents....now I find myself back at square 1. I'm getting into Florida Virtual High School to take courses to get my last 3 credits I need to get my diploma. Adult Education at OPHS already said that I can bring in the paper saying I got my last 3 credits and they'll issue me a diploma. I got my muffler fixed Friday, so it's not so loud anymore and doesn't sound like shit. (It had a BIG crack in it, hence the loud, awefull noise...for those of you wondering why my car sounded like that.) I haven't been able to find a job yet, but I'm pretty sure once I get my diploma I'll be able to get one no problem. Once I have a job, and hopefully it pays well and gives me plenty of hours, I'm going to put my whole check in the bank and save up to get an apartment so Alex and I can get the hell out of here. Those are probably the only things really looking up for me now. All my life, ever since I first started really getting into singing and dancing, people have told me that I can do those things, that I got what it takes.....but ever since Wednesday I've been thinking differently. A couple years ago my best friend at the time told me that he was going to sign me up for American Idol and have my mom force me to do it. heh As you can tell, that never happen...and never will. I'm not that good.... v_v Thank you for reading this, they're just my thoughts. It's up to you whether you want to leave a comment or not with your opinion about all this. <3