ZoMbI3 CuPcAK3's blog: "I blog your face."

Most of my friends on here know I have a...weird education. I spent most of graduate school synthesizing what I had learned while obtaining my BAs in Anthropology and Religious Studies into a fascination bordering on obsession with the connection between burial practices, artifacts, the historical record and popular culture. As a result, I've written some very interesting studies on the human condition. I thought I'd give a sampling of some of my subject matter. It's good for an lol, if nothing else.

Master's Thesis:

Anthro: "Venus is a Doll, Mary is a Whore: How Feminine Iconography in the Artifact and Bone Records Has Influenced Modern Popular Conceptions of Woman, Witch, and Goddess"

Religious Studies (unfinished): "Pagan Celebrities, the Diabolical Witch, and Burning Stereotypes at the Stake"

Graduate School Highlights:

" 'Daughters, Use Your Consciousness To Rise Up in the Earth': 19th Century Feminism in Christian Science and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints." (a study of how "oppressive" religious practices actually created a feminist ideal, paired with mini-biographies of Emma Smith and Mary Baker-Eddy)

"The Mediumn's Chair: Theosophy and Spiritualism in the Victorian Era" (a study of 19th century mediums)

"The Saviour Myth and the Mixing of Religious Symbolism on Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (a study of Buffy as social commentary on the Bible, Wicca and even Shakespeare)

"Cyber Worship and the Congregation of Gamer Geeks"(a study of how gaming "cons" effectively serve as a church)

"Respect and Burial: A Study of Religion in the Funeral Industry" (a study of the variations in religious burial practices and how funeral homes deal with this)

"Nietzche, High Magic, and Mr. Crowley" (a study of the influences of the Church of Satan)

"Serpents, Lot's Wife, and Mary Magdelane: The Marginaliztion of the Goddess in the Bible" (a study of goddess iconography in the Bible and Hebraic era archaeological record)

"The Impact of Florida's Migrant Worker Population on the Study of Modern Forensics" (a...yeah that's self-explanatory)

"Shovel Shaped Incisors and Other Native American Oddities" (a study of the Bering land bridge theory via the evidence presented in forensic dentistry....*snore*)

"Do Non-Human Primates Have Burial Practices? Death and Grieving Amongst Chimpanzees" (written as my final after completing Jane Goodall's Chimpanzoo program at Tampa's Lowry Park Zoo)

**"Miladies and Masters: A Sociocultural History of BDSM in Western Culture"**

Here is my thesis statement from that paper as an example of my dry and boring academic brain:

“Considering D/s relationships within the context of modern gender paradigms reveals a web even more tangled than the vanilla world at large. While one would think that the Dominant partner is largely “in charge” of how these roles are expressed, a solid argument can be made that it is actually the submissive that plays a more integral place in defining gender within the bdsm community.  We will examine two kinds of relationships in the bdsm and fetish community, the traditional Master or Mistress/slave and the somewhat lesser known idea of the hotwife and cuckold. Both of these partnerships fall outside the norm of what it traditionally means to be a sexual male or female, and outside perceptions of them are largely inaccurate, having  little to do with self-definition and everything to do with what makes society comfortable.

 Four kinds of gender interactions can exist within D/s. For the sake of clarity, we will limit ourselves to the discussion of biological gender. The myriad complications that arise when including psychological gender as a factor in D/s is beyond our scope.  Therefore, the D/s interactions relevant here are male Dom/female sub, male Dom/male sub, female Domme/male sub, and female Domme/female sub.  Obviously these interactions become slightly more ambiguous if one or both partners identifies as transgendered, but the basic paradigm still holds. 

Within the modern world, and throughout much of history, gender has been defined as male dominant and female submissive.  While female submissives are often viewed as promiscuous, sexually permissive, and even desperate, they still fall within the parameters of what society can “accept” about sex and what a woman “should be”. For those aware of the sexual world outside of the vanilla,  female submissive based relationships are much more widely accepted. This serves to help create the double standard of perceptions of male and female homosexuality, whereas gay or bisexual men are consistently seen as deviants and lesbians and bisexual women are perceived as either bitches or as a sexual stimulus for men, but rarely as overtly perverted. It does not much matter whether the dominant is male or female;  it is the behaviour of the submissive that forms how popular culture views bdsm.  Since female submissive D/s is still registered firmly within the norms expected for women in western culture, it is much easier for us to find credulity in these partnerships being able to exist as deeply committed, functioning love relationships. Conversely, we as a society have a very difficult time granting the same courtesy to male submissive D/s. The idea of the male submissive is by no means a new one in the western world.  Knights were the original submissive men in history. The idea of courtly love is very akin to the Mistress/slave bond. Knights worshipped their ladies, served them, found them alternate lovers, often clung to gynocentric  Pagan beliefs in a resolutely Christian society, and exhibited all of the behaviours associated with modern submissive men.

The common stereotypes about male submissives are an added burden to the already misinformed concepts of why submissives behave the way they do.  Submissives  are already viewed as doormats, naturally indecisive, unable to care for themselves financially and often emotionally, and drawn to abusive situations. Male submissives have to deal with the beliefs they are somehow less than a man, homosexual, and sexually deviant. No matter how negatively she might be viewed, a heterosexual submissive woman will rarely, if ever, be considered to be less than a woman or a lesbian simply because of her submission. This is another double standard. Any D/s relationship in which the submissive is female is given the validation of being able to “pass” for a deep, loving bond. D/s relationships in which the submissive is male, however, are often seen as only induglences for perversion, and the possibility of a “normal” relationship existing between a male submissive and his Dom/me is seen as unlikely, at best.  These mores are reinforced in some male submissive behaviours such as crossdressing, sissification, and forced homosexuality/heterosexuality, practices rarely imposed upon female submissives. 

There is, however, one type of relationship within the fetish community that turns traditional gender roles upside down. This is that of the hotwife/cuckold.  It is generally accepted in western culture that men sleep around and women are faithful. With the exception of those engaged in polyamory, monogamy is the ideal in the modern world. This is usually only a surface assumption, though, considering nearly 70% of men and 50% of women are unfaithful to their partners at some point. Promiscuous people are generally looked down upon, no matter what their gender is,  but it still much more vilifying for women to be sexually permissive. The concept of the player and the whore are both very prominent in popular culture. More than 73% of the subject matter on any given talk show on television deals with deviant non-monogamy and the consequences thereof.  The hotwife/cuckold relationship is quite the opposite. A hotwife is a happily married woman, who, with the consent and encouragement of her husband, engages in sexual intercourse with many other men or women whilst the husband remains faithful.  He is called a cuckold, and this type of relationship is not only acceptable to him, but, rather, highly erotic. He often obtains additional gratification from receiving his wife back from the arms of another man/woman, and “fights” for her affection with gifts, the completion of domestic duties, and improved sexual response through the stimulation of having to impress his wife all over again. Often, but not always, this is a part of the Mistress/slave contract. Not all hotwife/cuckold relationships are also D/s oriented. Kinsey showed as early as 1963 that the three most common male fantasies are their wife/lover engaging in sexual activity with another woman, engaging in sexual activity with another man, and homosexual desires, in that order. All of these preclude the involvement of an outside source in the couple’s sex lives.  The hotwife and cuckold simply act out these fantasies. This practice usurps our perceptions of what men and women do. Sexual permissiveness for women, and fidelity and even chastity amongst men, is simply not a part of the western collective consciousness.”

Undergraduate Thesis:

"Zombies and Mojo and Veves Oh My!: Voodoo and Popular Culture in Haiti and New Orleans" (a study of the contribution of voodoo to both the tourist industry and the folk medicine practices of Caribbean culture)

Undergraduate School Highlights:

"Being Other Amongst the Other: Bisexual and Transgendered People and the Gay Community" (a study of how the gay community ostracizes bi and t/g people)

" 'Welcome to Goth Talk!' and Other Counterculture Parody in the Tampa Community" (a study of Tampa's goth community, the title is a reference to SNL's sketch "Goth Talk" being appropriately set in Tampa)

"Male Bonding in War" (a study of how the male/male relationship transforms within the context of being in the front lines of a battle, using Sparta, Rome, the French Revolution, and WW2 as the most prominent examples)

"Usurping Sexual Sterotypes from Hijra to Castrati" (an anthropological history of the role of feminized men in civilization)

"The Biology of the Undead: Forensic Contributions to the Belief in Vampires" (a study of how the processes that affect the body after death helped to create the myth of the vampire before the advent of modern medicine)

Anyway, I wrote about a million papers in college, or so it seems. These are just my favourites. If any of them interest you or you've written about/studied them as well, I'd love to discuss any of these subjects. I'd be especially smitten with said conversation if you can teach me something about them. I am forever thirsting for knowledge. This brain is never full, never satisfied. Feel free to come give me multiple intellectual orgasms.

**taken from ecauldron.net**

Types of Pagans

Now for those of you who are new, and have never encountered persons calling themselves pagans, witches, goddess-worshippers, here's how to tell us apart--with a healthy bit of tongue in one's cheek.

Is this the first time you've seen this many pagans together? Well, you're in for a deflowering, young earth-worshipper, and you've come to the right place. However, you should realize that there are many, many types of pagans. In the old day's, we old farts just had to keep making the rounds until we either found a group that wouldn't kick us out or founded our own clique. But now, progress has brought us many different flavors to choose from.

    1. Bright-Eyed Novice:
    You just read this cool book about a religion where there's a Goddess and a God, and they meet outside in nature, instead of some scary old building. They think sex is GOOD not evil, and you want to know where to sign up.

    Distinguishing Signs:
    Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment about which is deosil and which is widdershins. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with "A-frame".)

    2. Grand Old Wo/Man:
    Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will tell you about the time they dropped acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley - or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or was it three people with one name?

    Distinguishing Signs:
    Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows dish about people you've only read about.

    3. Tree Hugging Nature Sprite:
    Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes. Simultaneously believes in universal love for humanity and returning the planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle the shrubbery at a moment's notice. Can discuss compost in great detail.

    Distinguishing Signs:
    No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic, no smoke, no drugs, no eco-exploitive products, no animal tested cosmetics, no TV, no car, but very tolerant.

    4. Anal Retentive Ceremonialist:
    Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is studying Greek, Latin and Hebrew all at once. Does "workings" instead of "rituals". All twenty volumes of their magical diaries are all in Enochian.

    Distinguishing Signs:
    Won't go anywhere without a book. Is constantly aware of which direction is east. Dresses according to planetary conditions, or whatever was on sale at Wal-Mart.

    5. Womyncentric Gynocrat
    A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks purifying it. She'll have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her full-moon club. Can hold forth for hours on the magical properties of menstrual blood.

    Distinguishing Signs:
    Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for amputating a penis, are a favored symbol and often hang conveniently from her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls her eyes and stops talking.

    6. Sexy Pagan Nymph:
    Oh, they're so nice! All that warm, round, sex-positive flesh -- and you can actually carry on a conversation with them between orgasms... pant, drool...

    Distinguishing Signs:
    Cute. Horny. Displays prominent cleavage. Will recite love poetry to you under a full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often destitute. All too few of them.

    7. Corporate Closet Witch:
    "Hey, boss -- I'd like to take February 2nd as a personal day..." Has an entire chapter of their Book Of Shadows concerned with spells for purifying the workplace. Doesn't mind working on Christmas, especially if there's overtime involved. Quit being overtly Pagan at work since being canned by that born-again boss, but still refuses to say "Merry Christmas."

    Distinguishing Signs:
    Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly glances around the room anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies. Non-distinctive style of dress, no conspicuous tattoos.

    8. Childe Of Kaos:
    Can name seventeen industrial goth bands without pausing to think. Knows what a Prince Albert is. Personally feels that if no panicky headlines appear the day after you do a ritual, you screwed up. Painted on their jacket, engraved in their flesh and/or boldly displayed as jewelry is an emblem which resembles a combination of corporate logo and arcane symbol. If you don't know what it means, they'll think you're a dweeb.

    Distinguishing Signs:
    Easy to picture as an alternative musician or bike messenger, difficult to visualize as a school teacher or research assistant, impossible to imagine as a TV news anchor or bank officer. Always wears black leather, even when sleeping.

    9. Pagan Celebrity:
    At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a special key for elevator access. Lurks around knots of conversation eavesdropping in order to see if their name is being mentioned. Arrives in helicopter especially for rituals. Starts every sentence with "I". If you ask them how it's going, they hand you a press release.

    Distinguishing Signs:
    Always has plenty of books to autograph and will personally sell them to you at a slight discount from cover price. Never seen unaccompanied by beefy amazonian bodyguards and doe-eyed hangers-on. Seems vaguely afraid of anyone they don't already know.

    10. Scary Devil Worshipper:
    Would never been caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except in a snide, knowing way which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy of conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and read The Bell Curve with smug satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. Probably has never hurt a fly, but they want you to think they're capable of vast destruction.

    Distinguishing Signs:
    Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women favor heavy black eye liner. At least one inverted pentagram somewhere on their person. If you see several of them getting tanked in a bar, it would be wise to stay far away.

    11. Crowley-In-A-Past-Life:
    Every magical gathering has at least one of these, along with several variants along the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan LeFey, or somebody who was Atlantean royalty. Many of them were abducted by aliens recently, and have disturbing dreams rich with arcane symbolism that they will tell you all about, in great detail.

    Distinguishing Signs:
    Look for the intense gleam in the eyes, the backpack rattling with various psychiatric medications, and the garments that were clearly designed and tailored on another planet.

    12. Ravin' Pagan:
    Young and psychedelic. Can dance non-stop all night. Refuses to do boring Eurocentric rituals and prefers deities from sunny climes with lots of interesting local plants. Can say "Ayahuasca" ten times real fast and deliver long quotes from Terrence McKenna.

    Distinguishing Signs:
    Dresses in color combinations that hurt the eyes unless you've taken ecstasy. Bloodshot eyes, blissful smile, never goes anywhere without ritual drum.

    13. Faerie Queen:
    Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple, or are those two a couple or are all four of them a quadruple? If getting answers to these questions could disturb you, best stay away. If, on the other hand, these kind of questions seem overly judgmental, you might have a real good time...

    Distinguishing Signs:
    When you look at this person, does every sex act you've ever experienced in your life seem hopelessly vanilla? If so, congratulations -- you've found a Faerie!

    14. High Episcopagan:
    Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage manager, an orchestra with chorus and last at least three hours? It's a High Episcopagan! They can memorize pages and pages of Olde English, have more ritual garbs than most people have socks, and consider their main pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley.

    Distinguishing Signs:
    Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes. Knows every note of "Carmina Burana". Don't ask them about that 18th century seed pearl trim on their ritual hat unless you've got an hour to spare.

    15. Fundamentapagan:
    If it's in a book, it must be true. If it's in an old book, it must really be true. If it's in an old book that was handed down from an oral tradition of people who couldn't read, then it must really be way true. Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at a circle wearing a watch, glasses, or other mechanical assistance. Believes that anyone who lives in a city, eats meat or has a regular job dare not call themselves a pagan.

    Distinguishing Signs:
    Has hissy fits when somebody brings up the old "Crowley ghosted Gardner's books" argument. Goes around correcting everyone's gaelic/old norse/latin/babylonian.

    16. Dances With Bunny Rabbits:
    Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and feelings. Charter member of PETA. Thinks meat eaters should be publicly executed. Has many, many, many pets. Has a spirit animal. Personally owns 927 models, pictures, and other depictions of their spirit animal.

    Distinguishing Signs:
    Not counting the pagan his/herself, how many animals can you see when looking at them? If the count surpasses five (including critters found on tattoos, jewelry, garments and undies), you've found a worshipper of beasties.

    17. Priest/ess of Political Correctness:
    Analyzes everything they read or hear for sexist-racist-homophobic-imperialist-Eurocentric content without paying attention to what is actually being said. Believes in personal liberty -- everyone has the right to be overbearing, dogmatic and holier-than-thou, not just the Christian Right. Incredibly boring yet annoyingly self-righteous all at the same time.

    Distinguishing Signs:
    Beady hyper-alert little eyes are constantly in motion, waiting for someone to do or say something bad. Has loud and attention attracting hissy fits when confronted with everyday things such as advertising or corporate franchises. Rudimentary sense of humor is rarely activated.

    18. Our Lady Of Intense Suffering:
    Is constantly persecuted. You're probably persecuting her right now, you just don't realize it. Became a Pagan because she decided it was that most persecuted religion of all. Can't enjoy anything because it would be selfish to have any fun when so many are suffering.

    Distinguishing Signs:
    Tales of woe. Even less of a sense of humor than #17. Bristles when anyone says the words "masochist" or "whining".

    19. I Am Not Spock (at the moment):
    Knows at least three filks about Cthulhu and at least forty Star Trek jokes. Has found a clever way to create simple furniture from stacks of science fiction paperbacks. Can name ninety different kinds of space ship.

    Distinguishing Signs:
    Two fisted drinking style. Probably still lives with parents. Many cryptic buttons, badges, patches and other insignia. Too smart for their own good.

    20. Het-Case:
    Insist that they aren't homophobic; they just believe that Paganism is about a goddess and a god and they do it and what could be more obvious than that? It just doesn't "work right" if you try any other way! Are secretly afraid that gays and/or lesbians are dying to jump their tender hetro bones.

    Distinguishing Signs:
    Living spaces abound with depictions of satyrs with enormous genitals and huge-breasted, doe-eyed goddesses. Long manicured nails and wreaths of flowers (on females only -- men have big, bushy beards instead.)

    21. Norse Code:
    Heroic and vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with festival organizers and park rangers due to their fondness for running around with a huge battle-ax in one hand and a full mead horn in the other. They throw the best parties, but if you're a wimp, you're expressly not invited.

    Distinguishing Signs:
    Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like persons wearing runes, with many pounds of amber dangling from their necks.

    22. Pentacles, Inc:
    Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they aren't buying my hand forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces -- they come in silver and gold, and each one has a genuine cubic zirconium belly button. Would you like a reading? Will that be Visa or Master Card?

    Distinguishing Signs:
    Has business cards featuring little embossed pentagrams. You've never seen so much Egyptian god/dess jewelry on a human being in your whole life. Rarely leaves the dealer's room and can't believe there are so many jewelry sellers present.

    23. Monster Truck Pagan:
    Can grow their own food, build their own house, sew their own clothes, home school their children and brew their own organic hooch. Are looking forward to the bleak, post-apocalyptic world postulated by the environmentalists as they can't wait to run amok through the country, worshipping ancient gods, blowing up strip malls and rutting on the divider line of every interstate.

    Distinguishing Signs:
    Resourceful, clever and very well versed in the U. S. Constitution. Eats meat with visible twitches of pleasure. is aware that primitive religions have nothing to do with crystals, Atlantis or unicorns. Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly glances around the room anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies. Non-distinctive hair, no conspicuous tattoos.

**taken from ecauldron.net**

Tips For Evil Cult Members

-Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of an amateur.

-Familiarize yourself with the specifications for sacrificial victims, and ensure that unacceptable substitutes cannot be unexpectedly introduced into the ceremony. If the penalty for not-to-specs work is death and/or mutilation, consider working for a more fault-tolerant deity.

-Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your deity's name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in public.

-Flash cards are often helpful.

-Before agreeing to impregnation by a supernatural being, investigate the survival rate of the other women who have undergone the procedure.

-Never invoke anything bigger than your head.

-Eschew deities whose followers are all young; such faith groups usually employ an unpleasant retirement procedure.

-Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight -- it attracts unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen, various supernatural creatures, and can be downright dangerous during thunderstorms. Its jingling also tends to warn the hero of your approach.

-Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough.

-Pastel colored candles in the shape of cute animals are like direct sunlight to the Powers of Darkness.

-If the spirit contacted during a seance begins offering financial advice, you're dealing with a con artist, and not a genuine medium.

-Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, Thuggee cord, service revolver, garlic, and cab fare.

-Fluorescent lighting is very annoying to most netherworldly creatures.

-When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest. Enraged Demons always go for the pompous.

-When a religious artifact begins emitting light, close your eyes. Thousands of cult members could be saved every year if they followed this simple safety tip.

-When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.

-During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally considered "bad form."

-Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When The ritual goes awry, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between The gibbering monstrosity to pump full of silver bullets and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B complex, and a good hot bath.

-Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature, can stand against one who is true to his faith, his god/goddess, and the deal made In exchange for the soul. However, it is also true that gods tend to side With the heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat.

-For those situations where a fresh, living, sacrifice is not available, The lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously frozen Chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from Spam is unacceptable.

-Instead of picking human victims who are young, virginal and innocent (and tend to turn out to be the Hero's girlfriend), see if you can substitute mass murderers, lawyers, and other people who won't be missed.

**taken from ecauldron.net**

How to Become A Witch in Nine Easy Steps

In the 20th century it was fashionable to be interested in the New Age. This is now a dreadful faux pas within the alternative scene, and in order to be accepted in the 21st century metaphysical social set, one must have an interest in Witchcraft or Paganism. Of course, you don't have to actually belong to a coven in order to be thought of as a Witch, you can bluff your way into being accepted as a fully fledged Witch simply by knowing a few terms and dressing accordingly. This brings us to...

Rule # 1: Image is Everything. After all, what's the good of being a Witch if nobody knows you are one? You must therefore wear black at all times. If possible, stay out of the sun until you become really pale, as this makes the effect even better. For women (and adventurous males) dark eyeliner and black nail polish can enhance this look. Also wear crystals and cheap occult paraphernalia at all times, and make sure that these are as gaudy and bizarre as possible, as this can only help your image. Wearing a pentacle around your neck is an absolutely necessary accessory - the bigger the better! Capes and cloaks are optional around town - it depends on how much of a visual impact you want to make, but either of these are also crucial apparel at any ritual or gathering that you may attend.

Rule # 2: Name Dropping is Good. Every serious student of The Craft (and I'm talking here about the term for Witchcraft, not macrame) knows the name Gerald Gardner. This man revitalised Witchcraft in the mid 1900's with his book about the true history of The Old Religion (some have called this book pure fiction, but only those picky few who like books to be based on facts). Real Witches however, never let historical accuracy get in the way of their spiritual path, so in conversations with other witches, quote his name as often as possible (in tones of awe) and you will always be rewarded with smiles of acceptance.

Rule # 3: Past Life Name Dropping is Even Better. Tell everyone about the past life memories that have been surfacing since you began studying the Black Arts. It is especially useful to remember a past lifetime as a Witch who was killed during the Inquisition, or at least recall a lifetime as a famous occultist. My past lives have included Aleister Crowley, Cagliostro, Mandrake the Magician, and most of the cast of "Bewitched".

Rule # 4: Behave Strangely. Never forget why it was that you wanted to become a Witch - yes, so that you have an excuse for strange behaviour. Previously labelled eccentric behaviour patterns can now be accepted by others if they have a reason to explain it, even if that reason for howling at full moons while naked is simply, "He/she is a Witch, that's normal for them evidently." So, don't let your friends down, behave strangely, you can get away with it now.

Rule # 5: Watch Occult Movies. Make sure that you watch the movie "Warlock" lots of times to perfect those soft landings after over-indulging with the flying ointments (read as mead and weed).

Rule # 6: Ready Yourself for Sex, Money and Power. Wasn't this the other reason you were drawn to Witchcraft? In the past, adepts of the occult were known to possess charismatic, lusty and powerful personas - when people find out that you are a Witch, they may automatically assume (and therefore empower you) with these same qualities. This may sound pretty good, but unfortunately in today's world, another group of people have become even more established within the realms of kinky sex sessions and unlimited power - yes, the politicians! Beware of this elitist group of power-brokers... they don't want any competition to their manipulative monopoly over the gullible public - hence the laws against Witchcraft and divination that have remained unchanged for centuries. So, if calling yourself a High Priest doesn't lead you to unlimited sex, money and power - or if it does, but you then find yourself as the target of political and legal harassment - you may have to put aside your cloak and broomstick and pick up a pin-stripe suit and a back-bench in Parliament. If you can't beat them, try bribery, then if that doesn't work... join them!

Rule # 7: Atmosphere is Essential. Your home must reflect your Witchy nature. Incense must burn continuously. It's important that visitors see clouds of incense smoke billowing from a spluttering censer in the corner of your dim, dank and dusty home, so dismantle the smoke detectors and start collecting strange little bottles of exotic looking ingredients (use your imagination and label them with names like powdered bat's eyes, or dried dragon's gonads). And if you don't like housework, you can explain that the layer of dust that covers your floors and furniture helps to neutralise the highly charged psychic energy that results from your magical spells, thereby protecting your home and possessions from electromagnetic disintegration.

Rule # 8: Be Patronising to Christians. In social discussions don't forget to make plenty of derogatory remarks about fundamentalist Christians, but remember to save your most biting comments for other Witches that you don't get along with.

Rule # 9: Brag About Your Psychic Powers. Any self-respecting Witch will tell you that after their initiation to Witchcraft, their psychic powers awakened and their tarot cards (which they always carry with them) are now much easier to read (they now get something right once in a while). They will also tell you that they can now sense energy fields (in other words, they don't bump into things as often as they used to). Follow this example and brag about the rapid development of your psychic abilities since your initiation. If asked about your initiation ceremony, simply state that you were sworn to secrecy about it, then quickly change the subject by mentioning your newly awakened ability to detect Ley-lines, but try to remember that a Ley-line is not a queue for the after-ritual orgy!

Now you know how to pass yourself off as a real Witch, so place that broomstick in a conspicuous corner (one that is not clouded by too much incense smoke); pull on those black clothes; give everyone that you meet a sinister look - and your social status will improve overnight. If you do all of this successfully, you may even find yourself with enough adoring acolytes so that you can start your own coven! Good luck and Blessed Be!

In response to the "tell us 10 things about yourself" phenomenon that is fubar blogging, I thought I'd reciprocate with 10 things about humanity that I am generally unfond of.  If you hate the same ten things, please, come take me out for dinner. We can be misanthropic and hate the world together. I might even buy you a drink. Something with bitters in it.

1. You gotta be the girl with the most cake. Seriously, in a century, when you are worm food, that iPod won't mean a thang, sista. Neither will all your bling (real life here people, not fu) or the game you talk or the hotties you bed or your swagger. ALL that will matter is the impact you left on your world or the legacy you handed down. So shut up and DO something. Stop trying to collect happiness and find it in what really matters...love, kindness and compassion.

2. Being the best liar is what gets you to the top of the heap. Honesty counts for shit. It's seen as bitchiness. Yeah, ok. The better you are at pretending to be what everyone else wants you to be, the higher up you are on the pile of shame that is humanity. Hope the view is nice from the landfill.

3. Chivalry is dead. Don't argue, and if you do, show me a true knight/warrior. Men aren't chivalrous. They are just smoother at getting into your pants. Opening doors and all that will get you laid faster than you can say "mama's boy". Honour, solidarity, they don't exist. Sure, you say you'd take a bullet for the one you love. How many of you really would? Shut up. Put your hand down.

4. We seem to have retained the shitty stuff from history rather than the lessons. War, strife, religious bigotry, we can keep that!!!! But valour, strength, living as decent people, and a sense of undeniable community? Can't have that.

5. We don't need no education. In the text age, we don't even feel the need to communicate in complete sentences or well...ANYTHING intelligible anymore. It's really quite disheartening. Now, I get that some people are just plain dumb, but there is NO excuse for self-imposed retardation. Really.

6. We are a world of extremes. It's either let it all hang out and be a skank, or close up completely. Anyone who is sexual must be a whore! And anyone who isn't must be a prude! SUBTLE. We have NO class as a society, as a species. Beauty is about seduction, not ramming it down everyone's throat. Too fat? Too thin? Too tall? Too short? Too pale? Too dark? Too rich? Too poor? Too smart? Too dumb? Too nice? Too mean? We are all fucked. Is anyone not "too" SOMETHING?

7. Read a book! We are obsessed with technology. Yes, I get the irony of stating this in a web blog. But live some reality!! Get out there, meet someone, stop contributing to the isolationism of the 21st century 24/7. Gods forbid you should have a face-to-face conversation.

8. Everything is a freaking pathology. What used to be called intelligent is now obsessive compulsive. Kids having fun is ADD. Mystical? Must be schizophrenia. And whatever you do, don't fall in love...erm, sorry develop signs of codependence. But don't worry, whatever it is you've got, they've got a pill to ensure you remain numb until your dying day.

9. Everybody whines...sometimes. BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD. Seriously, if you didn't vote, don't bitch about the President. Stop whining about the homeless and feed someone or put a roof over their head. Give them a fresh chance. Stop kvetching about the environment and go green, really, not just this trendy lip service bull. If you aren't pro-active, shut the hell up. You are part of the problem. Want something? Get up off your overfed ass and get it. The old-fashioned way. With work. Stop asking for it, because no one will give it to you. Nothing in this life is free, baby. It only looks that way with your legs spread.

10. Everybody thinks they are the bloody Messiah. No, you aren't different. We are all a slithering pile of sleaze. Sure, a few stand out here and there, but in the end, everyone turns out to be the same. A pathetic dissappointment bred by years of even more pathetic social conditioning. So just enjoy what you've got, make the best of your lot. And don't claim to be anyone's god, hero, or mommy. Because then they might expect salvation, and salvation can only be gotten for $79.88 at your local WalMart.

I can't really say what I look for in a person, it's different with everyone. There are definitely things that catch my eye, though, or my brain. And, as I'm fond of lists of 13, it seems, here goes.

1. Graceful people. Especially hands. An elegant smoker. A ballet dancer. A fire spinner. A martial artist, or just a good fighter. A skater. A musician. Believe it or not, despite my sharp-thing-magnet implant, I am actually fairly graceful. I appreciate it in others. Overly muscled people disgust me. Nothing gets me hotter than a dancer's body or classical curves. And if they know how to move that body...oh boy, watch out. MINE.

2. True interest in my passions. Don't just smile and nod and pretend to be interested in my crazy gamut of obsessions. I don't expect to have EVERYTHING in common with anyone, but I have a pretty darn wide range of interests, and we likely have more than a few things that we both like. I promise if you have a real burning for something or character trait I know nothing about, I will research it and at least be able to hold a semi-intelligent conversation with you about it. The surest way to win me over, as a friend or otherwise, is to grant me the same courtesy. I've picked up interests from a lot of friends. If you find me geeking out over something you introduced me to, take it as the highest compliment I can give you. I'm pretty picky. I like quality. It means I like you. A lot.

3. Alternative ideas of beauty. I see the aesthetic value in the strangest things. I consider it one of my very best qualities, seeing the beauty in the macabre and the grostesque. It gives me perspective. And I am sorry, I know this is biased of me, but I like classically feminine things. Men who aren't afraid to sport some eyeliner, or women who adore their curves, or either gender able to dress like they actually turned the lights on and put some thought into their outfit are incredibly attractive to me. Anything that stands out is sure to catch my attention, from scars to unusual combining of styles. I do that myself. I hate sticking to a label, but I love the styles certain subcultures provide.

4. Artistic talent. Creativity of any sort gets me hot. If you can draw, paint, sculpt, take a beautiful photograph, write, sing, or dance, you immediately become 1000 times more attractive to me. This might be a little pretentious of me, but hey, I like knowing the people I spend my time with can exercise both halves of their head organ.

5. Sexy grey matter. In fact, NOT being intelligent is pretty much a deal breaker for me. There are few things on the planet I will not tolerate, but sheer stupidity is one of of them. This is not to say you must be forming the next theory of relativity in your head during every moment of the day, but seriously, talk to me in big words, and I might be completely ga-ga over you by the end of conversation one. Only if you know what they mean though..

6. A dark and twisted sense of humour. I have a pretty strong penchant for the morbid. I am one twisted f*ck. I like to look at pictures of corpses. I browse rotten.com for fun. Blood turns me on. I find zombies sexy. I'm a sadist, and I'm not joking. I think scars are hot. I find humour in the oddest things. I cut people because I like to look at blood (only if they let me, of course). I've always wondered what human tastes like. Satanists fascinate me. I study demons, dark goddesses, and the devil in my spare time. I used to work at a funeral home and I thought it was the coolest job on earth. I have framed pictures of dead people hanging in my room...like pictures taken after their death. I would love to own a hearse. Bands that sing about death make me happy in my girl places. I think Ohgr from Skinny Puppy is the sexiest man on earth. I want to decorate my house with bloody dolls and coffins. If any of this scares you, you probably won't get past one conversation with me.

7. GeeK IS Sexy. Ignore all that dark crap I just wrote. I'm a complete dork. A walking paradox. I'm a vintage geek, a history geek, and a gamer geek. So if you like pretty much any part of the past to obsession and/or play MMORPGs, we will probably get along just fine. Especially if you dress the part. Yes, I'm serious, and, since I know you are wondering...the 1950s. When I dress up, if it's not my typical weird cybergoth/gangsta girl/steampunk mix, it's Donna Reed gone terribly, horribly wrong, all the way.

8. Cybergoths and Steampunks. Seriously, I know I'm sad. But NOTHING catches my eye more than a person with dreds in a gas mask with neon crap sticking out of various parts of their anatomy. Or someone who dresses like a cybernetic serial killer from Victorian England. There is just something SO HOT about it. I'm weird, and shallow. But at least I'm shallow in an interesting and twisted way....

9. A little bit of attention. Underneath it all, I'm a girl. Sorry. I know, I suck. It's the little things that count.  Remembering something tiny about me, doing something small, or taking just a moment out of your day to show me I mean something to you is the WORLD to me. I've been on the receiving end of the "lover/friend who takes me for granted/acts like I don't exist until they want me for something/keeps me around as a matter of convenience" syndrome more than a few times, and it kinda gets under my skin. I'm not like one of those 24/7 the world-revolves-around-me attention whores (EW!), but showing me you are thinking about me in some way is a really good way to make me happy.  Making me smile, truly, is a rare thing. If you can do it, you've won 100% of the battle.  Some people from fubar actually stick out in my head as the most thoughtful people I've ever known. Because of that, I will be a loyal friend to them for life. They know who they are...look through my family. All of them have managed to touch me in some way, probably more than once.

10. Be real, yo. Nothing annoys me more than people who try to be something they aren't. I admit, I've tried in the past, usually for a work situation, and I epic faill at it. I tried once for a marriage too....that REALLY didn't go well. I'm a pretty darn crazy mix of shit...an Italian girl who grew up in Jersey, but has lived all over the world. A goth/cybergoth/steampunk/lolita/geek/vintage girl who can't seem to shake her ghetto. A pastor's daughter who passed through superhero Christianity, Wicca, voodoo, Asatru, Satanism, demonology, and finally found her niche in kind of a weird mix of all of it. A Domme with a heart of gold who would do anything for the people she loves. A polyamourous, bisexual chick with a soul as loyal as a puppy.  A sadist with a mean streak who is still the nicest person you will ever meet. A sick f*ck who loves kitsch AND the grotesque. A grown woman who delights in screwed up dolls, blood, candy, cupcakes, and Hello Kitty. A scientist and an artist all at once. I promise you could not be more eclectic and "other" than me. So just be you. I promise you, no matter what, I will NEVER judge you for who you are, no matter how weird that you seems to be. If you are a fake...I will see through you. So don't even try, ok? I lurves you just the way you are already!! Fake people are certifiably my biggest turn-off.

Ok, these last few are gonna be shallow...they are just what I find sexy, in their raw form.

11. Tattoos, piercings, dressing like a hot motherf*cker, and anything else you can do to make you more unique and interesting. I am especially fond of corset piercings, sleeves (like the inked kind), snakebites, scarificications, tattooed hands, fishnet, gas masks, dreds, boys in eyeliner/nail polish, day-glo hair (especially pink or green), platform boots, and well done make-up jobs.

12. Curves, curves, curves in all the right places on girls, and scrawny/lithe bodies on men. Either way, pale as death (obviously only if you are Caucasian, and yes, I find people of other races attractive as well). Tans are gross. Sorry. We all have preferences, and those are mine. I'm pretty short, so I tend to lean toward people I don't have to crane my neck to look at it. And I like pretty, feminine looking people. Really masculine guys and butch women just don't do it for me. And anyone that shaves or waxes their body hair...oh yeah, I'm putty. Mold me. Ok, there are all my shallow bits in a nutshell. A killer personality or sexy brain will nullify most of these things...but not all. Looks aren't everything, but they do matter, sorry. Anyone who says different is lying or drunk.

13. Personal hygeine. No exceptions. I have OCD (like I'm on meds for it), and although it's mostly directed at my own habits, a person who takes good care of themselves is a HUGE turn-on for me. I don't like it when people let themselves go. It says a lot about your self-esteem, ambition and sense of worth. And confident people are smexy. We all have our moments of humble and doubt, myself ncluded. I really don't think I'm all that. But it doesn't mean I shouldn't be the best me I am capable of.

Ok, I'm done bitching. now you know WHY I say I'm incredibly picky. Everyone run now. But hey, if you are reading this, you probably already know me, which means you have more than a few of these qualities or we wouldn't be jivin' yo, so *big thumbs up*.

I want to say American Idol is my guilty pleasure, but I'm not so sure anymore.  American Idol has finally discovered some incredible talent. Talent that says a big "fuck you" to cookie cutter pop and does its own thing. Artists so compelling that it makes sitting through three hours a week of Simon's snivelling overly harsh criticism, Paula's insane enthusiasm, Kara's determination to mold everyone into a bland R&B artist, Randy's pathetic attempts at coming across as a hip young music producer, and countless tedious clips of their disgustingly charmed and appropriately overdramatized lives at "Camp Idol" worth sitting through, if only to get to the meaty center. The show still has its Clay Aikens and Kelly Clarksons and Daughtrys and blonde guys from boy bands and Britney Spears wannabes, but some serious contenders for actual rock superstars have crept their way onto the once woefully undeserving American Idol stage. And those talents are actually getting votes and staying on that stage. Maybe America is improving, learning to appreciate raw genius when they see it and learning to accept the eccentricities of those who express their artistic capabilities outside the box. Probably not, but here's hoping. The first seven seasons of American Idol were like watching an audition for New Kids on the Block meets an episode of the Mickey Mouse Club. There were a few standouts. Jason Castro. David Cook. Carrie Underwood. But never really anyone who screamed superstar from every pore of their being.

And then the gods of "we need something new and refreshing" spoke and there was an Adam Lambert. He dresses like the gay love child of David Bowie and a Hell's Angel, has a personality as flambouyant as a drag queen on meth, and has a voice that could make Freddie Mercury green with envy. When he lost Season 8 to Chris Whatever-the-fuck-his-name-is, I vowed I would never watch American Idol again. I know that coming in second is preferable, that the loser of the finals is always the one who ends up with the killer career, but it was the PRINCIPLE OF IT. Never has anyone deserved to win a singing competition more than Adam Lambert.

Adam Lambert's defining performance was "Mad World". Simon was speechless. That's a freakin' miracle. Adam, in the course of one season, managed to make me like two songs I hated before he sang them ("Satisfaction" and "Black or White") and to actually improve upon my favourite Johnny Cash song ("Ring of Fire"). And he did it all without smearing his eyeliner. His losing was...ridiculous...and I tried to stick by my guns, I did...but then I ran across the auditions this year and, well, there was this chick named...

Crystal Bowersox. She's that hippy chick everyone always made fun of in high school for smelling like patchouli and carrying her guitar everywhere and always saying the weirdest shit. And she has a voice and a sense of originality that is utterly unparalleled. She's my fucking hero. Halfway into Season 9, she is already being placed in the realm of such goddesses as Bonnie Raitt, Stevie Nicks, and Janis Joplin, comparisons that would make me cringe if it were anyone else. But, no, Crystal Bowersox holds her own, and every other contestant this season is paling horribly in her ass-kicking shadow. The world needs a Crystal Bowersox right now. She is painfully real, blatantly refuses to march to any beat but her own, and gives true artists hope that there is possibility in their creativity beyond playing biker bars and singing in subways.

Last week, her performance of "Come Together" was...I am almost speechless. Hands down, the best performance in all of American Idol history. And the judges love her. And America loves her. And that's something, because she ain't skinny, she has crooked teeth and messy, frizzy dredlocks and she dresses like she just raided the back of a Salvation Army truck. But none of that seems to matter, because DAMN CAN THAT GIRL FREAKIN' SING. Have I mentioned she's my hero? And I think she's gorgeous, in the most real way anyone on a television screen has been in years. My faith in original artistic vision is renwed.

(The two performances mentioned are the first comment. Fix your code embedding issues for blogs, please, BabyJ *mwah*).

My life is pissing me off on about 42,000,000 levels right now...so I thought I'd attempt to generate a debate that will make me crack a smile, or possibly even laugh.

So here it is...who doesn't love Monty Python? Exactly, humourless, stupid people!!! So...what's your favourite sketch? Cast your vote in a comment, or totally trash my vote, I'm good either way.

Mine is below. "Every Sperm is Sacred" from The Meaning of Life. For sheer humour and social relevance, it can't be beat.

*The following paragraph contains graphic descriptions of two tragic and unnecessary deaths. If you are sensitive to these things, spare yourself and read no further. I cut no bones about the details, because people need to see what can happen when we ignore people with real issues and feed healthy kids huge doses of ritalin. This blog is pretty much my own therapy, but feel free to read it. Maybe you can make a difference for someone that will be just big enough to save them from themselves.*

**I know this is unnatrually depressing for your favourite perky goth. This was written by a dear friend just a few days before she passed away in December. She took her own life. She tortured herself to death, quite literally. She mutilated her own vagina with a curling iron, cauterizing her body parts off beyond repair. She had third degree burns on various other part of her anatomy, including her arms, stomach and face. When her 31-year-old sister found her body, her face was so destroyed with razor slashes and burns she was unudentifiable on sight. Approximately a week before her suicide, her boyfriend died from a drug overdose. He mixed too many powerful drugs and gave himself a massive coronary...at age 19.  She was high on crystal meth and heroin based ecstasy at the time and laid in his arms for nearly five hours following his death without realizing it. She lost her mind, snapped completely, and the mental health industry did not take her seriously. Because she was a known cutter, neither did her family. They did not believe she meant her suicide threats and chalked it up to the grieving process. She was realeased from psychiatric care less than 72 hours after being admitted. This was mostly because she had no health insurance. She had turned 18 less than a month before. She was a promising ballet dancer and one of the most pure-hearted people I have ever had the privilage to know. I have known her since she was in pre-school and considered myself her older sister. We laugh and make fun of emo kids. We treat them like jokes. I am as guilty of it as the rest of you. But when the joke becomes serious, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and lifelong friends suffer. Seroius emotional problems are being masked by a trend and ignored. We've turned everything into a pathology, something to be fixed with the latest prescription, and we ignore the pain that causes this shit. It's sickening. I overidentify with Gina. This could have been me. I have made a lot of the same negative choices in life that she had. I have lost someone I loved dearly to a drug overdose. I know that your mind dances around the edges of sanity far too often, and far too painfully. This could have been any of us, in the wrong time and place and state of mind. Its a beautiful poem.**

Do I?

by Gina Day (22 Nov 1991- 11 Dec 2009)

or...anyone who loves and lives...

Do I run you deep? Do I suffocate?

Do I tear? Do I break?

They turn, light from the rot of me.

My blessing, my curse...

Every time I thought it could not get worse.

And then I know and I scream.

Do I believe? Do I listen to the pretty lie?

Do I even have the strength left in me to cry?

They run, repulsed, from their addiction.

My sin, my weakness...

That damns me to emptiness.

Love, the musings of demented fiction.

Do I sense? Do I somehow see?

Do I in my heart seek those who torture me?

They die, I am not enough gravity.

My life, my blood...

This child is not able to play God.

I breathe with yet more brevity.

Do I move? Do I find it within me to hate?

Do I become the monster they try to create?

They pretend to want to follow.

My demons, my angels...

Trapping me inside my mind's secret hell.

But in the end, my soul is hollow.