Lady Victoria Eclectic Pagan's blog: "Humor"

As part of an Interfaith community project, A Christian priest, a Rabbi, and a Pagan priestess decided that in order to improve relations in the community, they would go on a fishing trip together on a local pond. They're out in the boat, and the Pagan priestess excuses herself to go to the bathroom back on the shore. She gets out, walks across the water back to shore, and then walks back across the water to the boat. The Christian priest looks in amazement, crosses himself, and they continue fishing. It comes on about noon time, and the Rabbi realizes they left their lunches back on shore. So he gets up, walks across the water to the shore, retrieves the lunches, and walks back across the water to the boat. The Christian priest, now completely amazed, and a little bit righteous, thinks, "not to be out done by two heathens, I can do that too!!" So he gets up, excuses himself to go to the bathroom, takes a step out of the boat and promptly sinks to the bottom. While he's flailing around in the water, the Rabbi looks at the priestess and says, "Do you think we should have told him about the rocks?" The Pagan priestess replies, "What rocks?"

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think,since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water. I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed the bills aren't paid there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all darn day, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.... Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the heck I've sent it to. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

Meet My Cats... Hello. My name is Uzumay, and my pets' names are Victoria and Eugene. They are the ones who give me food when ordered to, though they are a bit slow and often need to be reminded several times. I try to make the rules clear, but their comprehension is so limited. They have been telling me that you creatures don't understand our straightforward communications and that you prefer this complicated mess you call speech. Here is my first attempt to relay critical information to you using that medium; please respond and let me know how I'm doing. These are the Rules; please familiarize yourselves with them thoroughly: Petting: This is permitted when I am in the mood. Be warned that my mood changes from moment to moment. When I wish you to stop, I will issue a warning look, or perhaps a firm pat with my closed paw. Please take the hint; after that first warning it can get ugly. Combing: Not permitted. Don't even think about it. I do a fine job of my own hygiene, thank you. Chasing Strings & Stuff: When I was young & foolish, I used to indulge you sometimes with this human game. I am now mature and have more important matters to attend to. Like naps. The Sandbox: Please keep it clean. I hate having to poop on the bare floor because someone's not doing his job. The Patio Door: Should remain open at all times, regardless of the weather. I've tried to explain this. Humans don't understand the simplest things. When I am inside sitting by the door and speak my command to you, it means open the door. You seem to get that, but then after I've gone through it you CLOSE it again? How dumb are you? Then I repeat the command, understandably, from the outside. You open it again and then what? As soon as I go through, it's closed. Sometimes I've tried NOT going through after commanding the door open, but you just close it anyway. We need to work on this one. The Window: This was obviously put there for me to see when there is a dangerous invader, in the form of another cat, on the other side of it. It's quite the clever invention, actually. It serves the purpose as well of thudding in a most satisfying way when I hurl myself against it, growling menacingly at the intruder. Please do not be alarmed by this; I am only protecting our territory. Airlines Tags: Forget about catnip. These are the real treat. Biting and licking them is so satisfying. However, I do not appreciate your taking these objects with you and leaving me here to contend with catsitter pets. The latter are inferior in quality and will simply not do. Good help is clearly hard to come by. Please leave the tags in place for me instead of going out for new ones. The Car: Whoever came up with this infernal machine should be kept awake all night with catfights. And his (or her) clothes should be left on the couch to accumulate infinite sheddings. They should be cared for by catsitters forever. I think I've spent quite enough time at this. If there are any errors in the text, you may attribute them to my pet's inadequate translation or transcription abilities. I shall attend to more important matters, now that it's dark out. If you should happen by you may see me through the window, keeping watch. - Uzumay (& Milkman)

Hi ya Princess, like to see my longsword in action? Every second of every hour of every day is like a thousand knives of fire stabbing me in the heart. I long for thee incessantly, so much that mine sorrow seems without surcease. My alliteration is small comfort next to the warm gaze of thine azure eyes. I crave the comfort of thine embrace like some lost child cold and alone in the dark So, like you wanna fuck? You wanna go upstairs and see my Holy Grail? I like the cut of your jib. If I were that horse, I'd rather you mounted me without the saddle. Wizard: You know, my hat isn't the only thing that's pointed. Thy breastplate is wondrous! Wouldst thou hold my polearm whilst I attempt to light thy fire? Dost thou practice safe hex? Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chambers' floor. I had to swim the moat to get to you fair maiden. So, would you like to see my breaststroke? Wench: What's that sound? Knight: That's just the sound of my chain-mail drawers expanding. Thou hast hit on me harder than the black plague! Why don't we go back to my place and re-enact "The Miller's Tale?" You won't believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and told me that I must bed you...the fate of England depends is on it!! Ever see a passion play? Would you like to? Don't believe the rumors you heard about me . . . the Bubonic plague didn't affect the important parts. Like a mare, I can be ridden for hours. I've been a very naughty, naughty knight! A cleric a day keeps the black plague away. I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I'm walking on! Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes disappear? I'm really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have sex with frogs? My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out of it. What a fine gown you wear, my lady. Perchance couldst I talk you out of it? I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit? You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like Rapunnzel. Only it wasn't my hair that the queen asked me to let down. I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, m'lady. What say ye we have our own Norman conquest, lass? Come up to my chamber and I'll show you the largest treasure in the land. You can place your greeves under my pallet anytime. Wanna polish my pike? Hello, milady, thou art under siege. I shall scale thy battlements with mine grappling hook! My Lady, dost thou possess a looking glass in thine bodice? For I may surely see myself within their folds. Has anyone ever told you that you have a lovely wimple? May I show you a fascinating Saracaen ritual I learned while hiding in a harem after the Battle of Hattin? A world without day is gloomy indeed, but a world without Knight would be pure misery. Milady, it's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within. I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart. Mayest I hose down your doublet? Your eyes are as dark as a castle moat by midnight. Lower your drawbridge and let me cross. You should be glad I'm not a Viking. You would have been ravaged and plundered by now. What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this? You can scale my battlements any day, madam. You scratch my boils and I'll scratch yours. They don't call me Lance-a-lot for nothing, you know. My that's a fine set of chalices you have there. When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing they stretched!

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height. Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door: To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets: 1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.) 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Remember: Dogs and Cats are better than kids because they: 1. Eat less 2. Don't ask for money all the time 3. Are easier to train (except: Terrier's and Shih Tsu's) 4. Normally come when called 5. Never ask to drive the car 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends 7. Don't smoke or drink 8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions 9. Don't want to wear your clothes 10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and... 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!" 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive." 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl!" 8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition as unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him "A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis." 10. There was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss's car. (d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". (e) When she is using her teeth. 3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies. 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. 6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the is temperature unsuitable. 7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice. 8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. 12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. 13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy. 19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! 22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was. 25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story. 28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. 29. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below: "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?" "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!" We hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Manhood, Ltd. (Borrowed from a dear friend of mine who truly is a "manly man").

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers: WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra. (Apparently this has happened to several people?!) WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember). WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

I, (insert name here), being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers / doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following: Glass of wine chocolate Margarita chocolate Martini Cold Beer chocolate Chicken fried steak cream gravy chocolate Mexican food chocolate French fries chocolate Pizza chocolate ice cream cup of tea chocolate Chocolate Sex Chocolate It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.