Girls, U Got to read this!!!!! Guys Too!!!!
Current mood: pleased
I found this on a myspace page and damn after reading it I felt compelled to share this with all my girlfriends well and my guy friends too!!! It's a must read!!!! Hits the Nail on the Head!
**ATTENTION** The following guide contains language of an adult nature, it also has a graphic description of the human anatomy. It may not be suitable for most kids under 21 yrs old, but if you are under 21 and ARE having sex already, there is really nothing I could ever say that will shock you!! The reason I used bad and crude words is to make it funny! If I didn't use those words, this would sound like a anatomy and biology class! Hopefull you can get the info out of it, laugh for the fun of it and enjoy!
Ladies, are u tired of your man not knowing how to eat u out? Guys, are u tired of not knowing how to eat pussy and fearing your girl will tell her girlfriends that you can’t do what it takes? Or even worse, come to me for some life changing, earth shaking pussy eating? Well, that is what The Cunnilingus Prince also known as Dax is here for! To make you fuckers a better lover! Here is all the info you need to be the second best! ( We all know how is the best )
Men can not eat pussy the right way. Not because they don’t like it, but because it is really fucking hard. You have to learn it. Giving good head is the key to just about everything in life ( including getting good head later on, so pay attention motherfuckers ), so it’s time I started my: Fuck like a Porn star guides.
The secret to giving good head is to READ the signs. You could be the best sexual mechanic in the world, but if you can’t read the emotional road signs, you’re going to end up licking around like a never ending cup of haagen dax icecream! Eventually, you will drop from exhaustion, hot tears of confusion streaming down your face.
Think of eating the pussy as your way of saying: "Although I am about pound you with my love hammer, here’s a little treat session to show you how I really feel." Instead of a screamed "OH MY GOD!!" like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what she should do when you fuck her), cunnilingus elicits a more splendid "ohmygodohmygodohmygod." Kind of like being massaged with exotic fruits by her dream man ( It’s your job to become that dream ). A good licking is like a thousand years of Saturdays or a day at the spa -for free-.
Ready to learn? ok, here goes:
Be Down
Don’t go down unless you’re down. Unlike fellatio (That is a blow job for you unedumacated fucks), cunnilingus can never be done as a favor ( NEVER EVER! ). Doing it when you don’t want to will only bring on the dry heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes will be forgiven.
Don’t Say High to Dry
A dry pussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back to the kissing and hugging for a while ( FOREPLAY fuckers foreplay… you got to make your girl beg for it, more of that later ). Just make sure you actually dip your finger between the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia and a little tactile coaxing is all that’s needed to get the honey dripping. Once you’re sure the baby is wet, give it a few light, teasing strokes with your finger. ( Light strokes = almost touching, barely touching ) There’s nothing worse than rushing into this, so make sure she’s really begging for it before you get under the covers.
*** Tip ***: Do what I do… bring up a wet finger lick it, and have her lick it. TRUST ME GUYS, they DO love it.
Important: Don’t fuck up the mood by putting your fingers all the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penetration and kill the tease factor. Try to remember that 80 percent of a woman’s pleasure is about yearning ( Remember I told you, have her beg for it ). Poking it in too soon is a sure to put out the fire.
Submarine Mission for You, Baby
Once she’s lathered up, it’s time to go down. Get your fingers out of there and don’t touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of grinding and get some last-minute necking in like you’re going down. Though it’s very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your head like the little mole-man that you are, this is a very bad idea. It gets crazy hot down there and whipping the duvet off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty much going to kill the mood. Start by kissing her breasts and stomach and SLOWLY working your way down. Don’t get carried away with the breasts, though. That’s something you should have taken care of before the pants even came off. Right now it’s all about the stomach and inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and move toward the golden clam in a slow, shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right up to the edge of her pussy, then skip across it and head to the other knee. Repeat a few times. Doing this a few times will get her really hot and will have her grabbing your hair and pulling your face to her lips! Don’t let her do that! TEASE HER! When you’re just about ready to eat that up; practice on that crevice next to the lips. Don’t spend too long there or she might start to think that you think that’s the actual pussy. By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If you’re doing it right, she’ll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs. Stretch this phase out until she looks like she’s been holding her breath for three days.
** Trick: **: Hover over the lips for about five seconds before the first lick, blow on it softly. If you wait longer than that, she might think you’re having second thoughts because it smells or something. Make sure you remind her that she smells and tastes deliciously; you have never ever smelled or tasted anything better, ever!
** Important: **: Never EVER bite the pussy in any way whatsoever. Do you like your cock getting bitten? If this needs more explaining you should probably just go back to your bangbus subscription and stick to jerking off.
Parting the golden gates:
Isolate your playing field. Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what the hemorrhoids are to anal sex. You’re never going to be able to identify all the parts if she looks like Chewbaca. One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is all set up for you like a great big buffet.
The Grand Entrance
Do your first lick super s l o w. It’s good to groan and moan too. It shows you’re digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right up her skin and to her brain, which then will tell her that u are the very very best thing to ever happen to her and should get the blow job of your life later on. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to the top. Do about a dozen of these St. Bernard licks before moving on (take it really slow, like four seconds per lick). This is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If it’s real sensitive, she’ll probably convulse as you pass over it and that means you’re in for an easy ride. If there’s no reaction when you graze over her clit, you’re in for a thirty-minute session of tongue tendonitis.
Rock the Boat
Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fruit. If you’re getting tired of being a ballerina boy, take it out on the clit. Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and show the little fucker who is boss. After all, Mr. Elusive is precisely what makes cunnilingus so difficult. He’s surrounded by labia and, even after you find him, all the pressure can pop him over to the side. All of a sudden you’re giving the pee hole the seeing-to of its life. Think of the clit as a tumor in a pile of earlobes. When you push down on the area, he’s the only one that can’t be squished. to get hers out oOnce one of your tongue troopers finds him, call for reinforcements. Use your lips f the way and focus all your attention on getting him alone. Once you find him, give him a bit of a hard time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give him a couple of whacks across the head. More on this punk, and his bad attitude later.
** Extra tip **: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your entire tongue over it after you isolate it from the lips. The man in the boat should feel the texture of the entire tongue pushing down on his body and his boat.
Identifying the Clit Type (what? they aren't all the same?)
After the slow licks it’s time to get this party started. There are essentially two types of clitoris; ones that enjoy a serious going-over and ones that don’t. The latter suck about as much as a one-inch penis and you should dump her right away.
** Extra tip **: Clits come in all shapes, sizes, and sensitivities; but that doesn’t really tell you much. All of them want to be treated slow and soft at the beginning, but the only way you can tell if you can go fast at the end is by reading her reactions. This is impossible to teach, but just do the best you can. All I can tell you is convulsing means take it easy and "Oh my God" means bring it on.
Clits That Need a Serious Going-over
These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your partner. Separate him from his buddies (the lips) and suck him right up into your mouth. Now he’s on your turf. Keep him erect by creating an airtight vacuum chamber in your mouth. Slap the little bugger upside the head with one big tongue bonk. He’s not going to tell you shit because he’s a clit and he has no idea of what you’re talking about, but kick his ass anyways. After a few teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat-tat him senseless like a boxer whacking a speed bag. If she starts freaking out like it’s too much, ease up on the interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks. The vacuum is a great way to bring her to orgasm, but it’s a bit much sometimes, so mix things up with some circles around the clit and some tongue fucking.
As you’re closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give the suspect a relentless head smacking. Up-and-downies are usually the most effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few side-to-sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it. Be repetitive. Do NOT be creative. You’re almost home and this is not the time to start changing tactics, again: DO NOT CHANGE TACTICS! Do not change speed, pressure or nothing! Keep doing as you were!
** Extra tip **: To keep the rhythm going, try repeating a chant in your head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Micmac Indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistent action may throw her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes, which is bad for morale.
*** Important: *** Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isn’t over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If she’s multiorgasmic, you’ll have to keep going until you’ve done the whole routine another four or five times. If you’re not sure what to do, just keep giving her shit until the magic hands come down. If you are not willing to keep on going, then go back to jerking off!
Clits That Don’t
Some clits don’t want to be singled out and battered around. These are the boring ones that need to be treated with gentle loving care. Just do casual St. Bernard licks (like painting a fence) until she cums, as simple as that. If you’re getting bored try going in some different directions for a while. A good way to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at half an hour here, pal, and that can be problematic. If you go for that long and she doesn’t cum, you’re going to be in a foul mood, so if it’s too much work, move on. On the bright side, going for thirty minutes is something few people have the patience for, so sticking it out will lead to some payback when period week comes around. Remember some girls, do not need to orgasm to be totally happy, as long as u treat them well and give them some attention they will be satisfied.
The Conclusion
Once you’re done (totally finished), she’s going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you don’t move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate or let her help you lick it off. You now have a good minute to get the condom on and take her from the quarters of Prince Muhammad Muhammad Saddat to the cockpit of an F-15. Buckle up, bitch.
***EXTRA BONUS ADVICE***
Getting Fired
If two hands suddenly drop from the sky and start pulling you up, you’ve just been sacked. She’ll tell you she never cums from that anyway, but the truth is you suck at sucking. Just give her a jolly good fuck and look at the whole thing as a learning experience. At least you'll get laid out of it. Later you can ask what the problem was so you can get it right the next time. If you’re really lame, you can ask for a regular play-by-play from the broadcast booth. A bit of the old "slow-down-you’re-going-to-fast-yeah-there-like-that-oh-that’s-perfect" can turn even the lamest of pussy eaters, into the cunnilingus prince.
The Power Lunch
Nothing keeps you in the game and makes her cum harder than a mid-fuck munch. Pulling out in the middle of the race may leave her a bit confused, but it’s a great way for all you premature ejaculators to simmer down a bit and it reminds her neglected clitoris that he’s a somebody. If after a few seconds she still isn’t into it, you can save face by pretending you just couldn’t resist. Give it up and get back to the fucking.
** Extra tip **:
Unless you like the taste of your own latex-covered dink, keep your mid-fuck snacking to the upper clit region and stay away from the hole.
The Bottom (The Art of the Rim-Job)
Fingers: If you are dealing with a particularly saucy vixen she may want something in her ass. A thumb gives you the best leeway, but keep in mind you are doing a raunchy thing and this should be saved for those moments when she is at the horniest. Incidentally, if you’re trying to introduce a bum finger as a good thing, try eking it in during orgasm. If it goes good, then you know you have another area of fun.
Hole: We’re not going to get into licking the actual hoop in this section I will save that for the more advanced lessons.
Cheeks:
Bum-cheek rubbing is always good. There are over five hundred thousand nerve endings on those cheeks, so giving them a good squeeze or a slap while you lick the pussy will get you instant results. I’m very into rough sex, so to me this is second nature, but I know that not every guy is into the slam the girl against the wall, pull the hair so hard that her head touches the back of her knees, so I throw it as a free tip. If she is sitting on your face, straddling it, spank her. 99f all women love it, but only 70ctually admit it.
The Double Whammy
Though some idiots say it takes away from when you actually put in the cock, simultaneous fingering is a great way to totally blow her mind. Think of it as the crack cocaine of cunnilingus. I used to feel this way, till I learned that it’s all about pleasing the girl!! Nothing more nothing less! Sex is all about the girl! At least for some of us!
Being Knackered
Tongue exhaustion is the number-one cause of unfinished licking, but there are many ways to avoid it. Like I said, using your tongue as an inanimate object is a great way to give it a rest. Stick it out as far as if can go and tense it. Then bite into it with your teeth and move it around the pussy using your neck muscles. Another solution is simply to use your fingers on the clit while you give your mouth a rest. Just make sure you read her signals!
There you have it. After following this guide, you will get instant reaction to your newfound sexual prowess. Just make sure you send me an email thanking me and letting me know how it changed your life.
Happy Banging!!!
