Susan's blog: "Homesick?"

I've seen a couple of my old friends and talked to a couple more. I've yet to decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing... Some of my old friends, I love getting a chance to spend time with. Our best memories are from before my worst times and we're making new ones after. People like Debbie, Bob, John... these are the people I miss that I know is a good thing. I've no doubt that I can share my life with them and they'd never pull me back down! Then there is this other group... They were a part of my life through some of the same time period, but not all of it. A crowd of people a decade younger than me, that don't know that ten years of me as the others do. There fondest memories of me are memories I've tried to forget! It was a horrible time in my life, the worst. I'd like to build new memories with them, but I don't want to reflect on a lot of the past memories with them. I don't want to be reminded of or have to explain that part of my life. I've tried to move past it and make a better life. They have too, but remembering isn't a bad thing for them. The memories are good ones for them to have, but from a time I didn't really like myself. Does that make sense? I love them and miss them dearly, but for different reasons than theirs... I'll probably spend what time I can with them. After all, I'm trying to convince my husband to move away. If he agrees, the old friends won't be a direct part of my life at all anymore! I'll enjoy making as many new memories as I can and hope the bitterness will pass with time...

In Indianapolis, Indiana... A few days ago, while watching TV and taking care of her 17-month-old daughter, Asia Davis, age 22, was shot in the head and killed, with her child in her arms. A bullet fragment caught the baby in the head and knocked her unconsious. Thank God. The guys who broke in wanted a safe from the home. It had to be more than one man, because the safe weighted 400 pounds when it was empty. Had they told her it was what they wanted, she'd have gladly given it up... Asia was not found until about 17 hours later, when she wasn't answering repeated phone calls and text messages. She never answers her door at night, but she does answer the phone. When she was found, after being so brutally killed, her baby girl was still in her arms, unable to escape the rigorous grip of her mother... but by some miracle, she was still alive. This is a girl I've known for most of her life. Her mom used to babysit my kids. We shared cook outs, holidays, and birthday parties. My sister has two children with Asia's brother. Losing her breaks my heart. This comes at a bad time in my life. My brother died at the age of 18 and today would have been his 24th birthday. At least when he died, it was an accident and their was nobody to blame or to hate for it. I can't imagine how it feels to have her taken from her family so brutally, not knowing who did it but knowing that she knew them (she had to know them if they knew the safe was even there), and not being able to see her to say goodbye... I've lost so many already...Brian, Brad, Tracy, Lisa, Dave, Brianna, Mickey, Frank, J.P., Sharon... the list goes on... How many do we have to lose? If life is a lesson in loss, I'm ready to graduate!

Well, I've just finished with Written Communications and Cultural Diversity. The Diversity class, I didn't like. It seemed to spend more time discussing problems with racism in the past rather than focusing on how to rid the world of it in the future. I think we should have spent more time learning about the positive aspects of the different cultures, so we can be more familiar with them. The more we understand of a strange and different culture, the better we can relate to the people of that culture. Does that make sense? Me, I don't have a prejudice bone in my body. I teach my kids to see people as individuals, not what they see on the outside. And racist comments are not to be heard from my children or anyone else in my home. So, the class kinda made me mad! Now, I'm off to Religions of the World and Physical Geology!! With the classes I'm taking, would you ever guess that I'm a business major? Later... UPDATE: Wow! I've finished my associates program and begun my bachelors. I'll be done with it in a little over a year! Man, I've been working hard on getting that degree...

Well, it's official. I now have an empty nest. My oldest daughter has moved in with my sister so she can go to school down home and my baby is in Arizona with her grandparents. Steven's been at his dad's for months now. I have no more kids at home. After 18 years of hearing 'mom, mom, mom' my house is silent. I really don't know what to do with myself. Talk about lonely... And, we're looking for a smaller house. We sure don't need four bedrooms for just the two of us, eh... I hate moving... Well, I guess for now it'll just be me and my online classes, and of course you guys... what else can I do? (besides cleaning out all the junk we've accumulated over the years...) Wish me luck... I'm already at the brink of insanity, and sliding in... UPDATE: TJ, the youngest at 14, is back home. Man, for quite some time. She and I took a trip to Arizona this summer for five weeks! It was wonderful! Now that our nest is almost truly empty, my husband is going to take a trip out there with me to see if he likes it. I hope he does! I want to move out there!!!

If you ever come across a coffeetable book of photos called "Optimal Images" be sure to look on page 52! You'll see a photo taken by me!!!! I can't believe my photography is now published! And they would like to publish another one!!! woohoo!!!! I'm so proud of myself... is that a bad thing? Oh well, somebody has to be proud of me...

Just have to share this story... My daughter, Taylor, is a 17-year-old new driver. She's driving on her permit, so each driving experience is new. Last night, she got her first experience with very heavy rains. She called home to say she was on her way to pick up clothes but would be a minute because the streets were flooding and it was slowing down traffic. When she got home, without thinking about it, pulled in to her usual spot, in the yard by the garage. Of course, as a new driver, she didn't consider that she shouldn't park on a flooded lawn. The girls came in the house and gathered their things. As they were leaving, I went in to do some laundry. Had I not gone into the laundry room, I wouldn't have heard them spinning tires as they tried to get out of the yard!! I told my hubbie they were stuck. He got dressed and went to help push them out, all of them getting drenched in the rain. Well, the car is a front wheel drive, with a bald tire on one side and a donut on the other. Anyone with experience in the mud knows it's going nowhere... Well, my hubbie is a true redneck. He has a 4x4, but no tow ropes, and forgot he had a chain. So, instead of just trying to push them out like a normal redneck, my hubbie the blond tries to tie the car to his truck with a heavy duty extension cord to pull it out. You all know what happened. It broke and the kids pushing fell on their faces as they slid in the mud!!! Now, since idea one didn't work, my hubbie puts boards under the wheels of the car to help with the traction. When this also didn't work, it occured to my hubbie that he had a chain in the garage. The chain did the trick!!! and as the car began to move from the yard, the girl trying to help by pushing wasn't expecting it to move so suddenly and again, slid in the mud and fell on her face in the mud!!! I laughed so hard I cried... The girls got in the car and left, soaked through and muddy. My hubbie put everything up and came in the back door, dripping from head to toe... I asked, while laughing and crying, whether he wanted the small towel I had in my hand or if he just wanted to strip down and take another shower??? Needless to say, the cold, wet, muddy man opted for the shower as I laughed and laughed and laughed... I wish I had thought to get the camera. All I thought at the time was that I wish I had a tape for my video camera!! I could have won some money!!!

Do you know who your true friends are? I'll tell you... They're the guys who knew you 20+ years ago, when you were an idiot and thought you knew everything... then you lose touch, work or move, and you don't see each other for years... Then, out of the blue, someone tells you to call this number, just do it... and on the other end of the line is that friend you haven't seen in years!!! Took the extra effort, after many long years, to find me... and even came to visit!!! Drives a truck for a living, so he parked in the street next to my house! Even dropped his trailer, right there in the middle of the street, to take my kid for a ride!!! When things like this happen, you know who your true friends are... and you know you're loved!!!

Here are some Classic Quotes by Daniel Webster (1782-1852) American Statesman If it's in quotes, it was his words ... if not, it's my own thoughts... "An unlimited power to tax involves, necessarily, the power to destroy." ...and yet we allow our government to further destroy us with further tax hikes... "Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital." ...meaning that the capital comes to those with the energy to earn it... "God grants liberty only to those who love it, and are always ready to guard and defend it." ...which we should all be praying for and thinking of and thanking those brave men and women that offer their lives in battle for whatever reasons the government deems necessary, right or wrong... "He who tampers with the currency robs labor of its bread." ...which means the suits in the air-conditioned offices are always thinking of ways to take a little more and give a little less... "How little do they see what really is, who frame their hasty judgment upon that which seems." ...judge not, lest ye be judged yourself... if you didn't see it, if you've not walked a mile in that man's shoes, then who are you to judge... gossipers... "I apprehend no danger to our country from a foreign foe... Our destruction, should it come at all, will be from another quarter. From the inattention of the people to the concerns of their government, from their carelessness and negligence, I must confess that I do apprehend some danger." ...example: 09/11/2001, need I say more... "I mistrust the judgment of every man in a case in which his own wishes are concerned." ...simply meaning we're stupid to trust politicians and leaders concerned more with themselves than they are with us... "It is my living sentiment, and by the blessing of God it shall be my dying sentiment, independence now and independence forever." ...isn't that what our government was based on? Then why should the term 'illegal immigrant' even exist?... "Justice, sir, is the great interest of man on earth. It is the ligament which holds civilized beings and civilized nations together." ...meaning that in order to keep the peace, we must all fight for justice, for what we know is right, for our dreams... "Let us not forget that the cultivation of the earth is the most important labor of man. When tillage begins, other arts will follow. The farmers, therefore, are the founders of civilization." ...without the hardworking farmers of the world, where would the rest of us be? They are the tenders to Mother Earth and should be heard. If the government would listen, they'd know the farmers have proven an alternative to gas problems. Ever heard of Ethanol?... Our world governments need to go back to the basics; the rights of all men, that all men are created equal, that no man should be discriminated against for any reason, the search for world peace... Peace takes compromise, and only those with closed minds prevent it... Who's side are you on anyway? If you bothered to read this all the way through, I thank you!

Well, I'm just sittin' here feelin' totally sorry for myself... How can I be homesick when I'm at home? I'll tell you. I have no family in this town, other than my two girls who live with me. I have my hubbie, his kids, his mom, and the rest of his family and I have some good friends, but it's just not the same. My nearest relatives are a couple of hours away! Mostly, I miss my old friends from down home. I bonded with them for so many years... there's just no replacing them, and no substitute for the real thing. I remember my past and it's all so far away... A few of them I still talk to via the internet, but that's nothing like kicking back and shootin' the shit with them. Hell, some of them have kids I've never seen in person, only in pictures... Most of my old friends, I haven't heard from in years. I'm a four-year+ sober drug addict. I can't go back. So, some of them I've had to say good-bye to forever. They haven't cleaned up their act, and I can't be around that lifestyle anymore. My new friends, they just don't seem to understand. They didn't know me then. They never saw me at my worst, only coming out of it. Anybody out there know what I'm talking about? And my pops, he moved thousands of miles away... I've followed him around the country my whole life!! This is the first time I haven't followed him. My hubbie doesn't want to move out there... How can you choose between your husband and your father? It's so hard to not just pack up and go. I'd be better off. There are more jobs there and I sure can't find one here in this pissy town! I spend my days at home alone and my evenings sittin' around doin' nothing but watching tv or movies with the old man and the kids. I have no life and I'm not used to this at all. I'm used to always being busy and always being the center of attention everywhere I go. I'm going stir crazy. Just gaining weight and sinking deeper into a depression, which I can't use drugs to get out of... What am I going to do? Any suggestions would be helpful...