Him or me? Who's at fault?
I have had many conversations with Tai, but they usually don't go anywhere cause all we do is argue over the dumbest stuff ever. Well recently, we had a conversation that actually made sense. I think what it was I decided to listen instead of get my point out. He was upset that I was always blaming him. I mean everyone that know me know exactly what happen, but he explained my faults. You know I thought that I was doing all the right stuff but in actuality, I was so totally not. All those times that I let him go out without drama, I guess I should've been in his ear bugging him. He wanted the drama that I wasn't trying to have. When he was coming in the house at like 10 in the morning I was like I hope you had fun cause me and kids had a good ice cream and movie night. What I failed to realize was that he wanted someone to throw a fit and act a fool when he did his thing, but I didn't. What he failed to realize, was that I didn't want to be like that cause I trusted him. He told me he was with his boys, I believed he was with his boys. Then he told me that I changed. I became a mother and wife instead of the wild and crazy child that he met and I guess fell in love with. But he also changed too, because he started putting everything before me. I remember there were days, he would tell his boys no cause he wanted to spend time with his baby, ME!!!
I listen to the problems to everyone else's relationship and I wonder where did we go so wrong with each other, cause our problems used to never be this bad. We never argued. There was nothing that we couldn't get through. Communication was our key for success. Then it all changed when trust was lost between the 2 of us. Yeah, I think I had a big part in it, but it was part his fault too. See he gave me his password to his email account a long time ago but I never checked his email. Ever. Then one night while I was at work I got this voice in my head to check it. Me being the person that I am said no at first. Then I got this migraine and the voice got louder and louder. Boy the devil was so busy that day. So I checked it. This is the funny thing. I found an email from some other chick. The email had just been sent that same day. This was a chick that I was cool with. Had hung out with her and everything. Invited her to my house and everything. But she was talking about how she is gonna miss him and she couldn't wait till he left me to be with her. So again, me being me, I called her up at 2 a.m. She came up with some bogus story. She was like he told her to email him and say those things. I almost believed her until I looked at the email address which was missingumack@yahoo.com. They called him Mack. So those were the first of our problems.
So we are trying to get over this but it is shaky cause there is absolutely no trust in my house. So then this thing with this new chick pop up and I really lost it. I was like I am trying, I even had his baby to try to make him happy. But then again, he break it down for me. He was like the trust thing was killing him. I still didn't trip though when he came in all times of the night or the nights that he didn't come home at all. I just wanted him to spend some time with me and his kids. That was the only thing that I wanted, but he refused to give it to me. So that made me take stuff away from him. I took myself away from him. I started sleeping on the couch or with my son. If he was at home I was gone and vice versa. That killed it for us. Then I was like why should I try to work this out when he not trying and he was thinking the same way. So now I am like can I put all the blame on him? I really don't think me blaming him all the time is fair cause like in all relationships we all have our faults. I think that I was tired of this and wanted to be free cause I let this female intuition thing get the best of me. I went looking for his faults. You know they say that ignorance is bliss and I totally agree with that saying. I think that everyone cheats eventually but if I don't know about it or ever find out about it, it can't hurt me at all.
I think I am more at peace now because of this conversation even though this is still a very hard situation, but I am taking it one day at a time. Who knows eventually I will find that one person that was put here for me. I did find the one person that stabalized me and every since I found him, I have been able to get through things a whole lot better. With GOD anything is possible.
But you know what, I think it was all just a dream that was so close to real life.
