Fyrestorme's blog: "here goes..."

this up coming weekend marks the beginning of the "i hate this time of year" thing for me.... (something which few people know, because I'm usually just down on 4 specific days, and fake a smile thru the rest during the period from 11-3 thru 12-15) but I think I'll explain since well.... I feel like it I guess. November 4th, 1947 - my Mother (Lynne)'s birthday December 13th, 1994 - Mom passed away. ((12 days of christmas....)) November 3rd, 1998 - my daughter Ashley (my "bright eyes") was born December 11th, 1998 - Ashley passed away from SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome) December 13th, 2006 - I watched my grandfather pass away (literally minutes -seconds even?- from being 12 yrs and 12 hrs after my mother's aniversary) ((see blog titled "a life lived well" for the full details.... I just don't feel like getting into it right now.)) anyway, a friend of the family, Daniel Wolfenbarger passed away on Tuesday of this week.... I've known him since I was a baby. I saw him last December.... at my grandfather's funeral... kinda puts a lot into perspective..... or maybe distorts it?

here's the scene... the BF was sleeping for work, I'm laying there half awake half asleep, and just sit up to go get online, and he wraps his arms around me and pulls me down beside him, so I stay. anyway I finally start kinda dozing half in & out of sleep... and all of a sudden I have this weird "vision/dream" whatever the hell it was, it Completely screwed me up... here's how I explained it to a close friend of mine online earlier this evening: (names have been omitted) ((i (for some ungodly reason) started thinking of my will (which doesn't exist yet anyway) and setting money aside for [my daughter], and then writing up little notes for the few close people I was gonna leave money to... kinda telling them what I'd like to see them do with the money I'd left them. it was fucking Weird. I felt like I was actually writing the notes, and like a voice-over in the movies, my voice was reading the notes to whichever person.... n when i "read" ONE of them out loud for some reason i started tearing up really, really bad and woke up like "THIS" close to crying.)) so the friend I'm explaining this all to, asks whhat he's getting, being a smartass... ((i dunno, see, yours wasn't one of the names I'd gotten to, and the weird thing is, there was no rhyme or reason or rank or order or anything as to the closeness of the people to me; or the amount of money I'd left them, or the note I'd left for them... I just know there were 5 people "mentioned" aside from [my daughter] and I'd read thru 3 of them and the 3rd ons got to me and that's when I woke up in tears...)) freaking WEIRD.... I'm still pretty screwy about it. anyone have any comments or suggestions or Anything???

ok I originally posted this on my Myspace as a bulletin, not really important enough to save 2 a blog there for furute reference, but whatever... decided to post here, just because... and I know almost none of you know me personally (the people on my friends list, maybe what 5 of you?) anyway, just something I decided to write... ((original from my myspace)) most of you on here know by now that my mom's passed away (for those that Don't, december 13, 1994, ok now we're all on the same page.) so anyway, I saw her in a couple dreams recently, and have been missing her a bit more than usually, probably because the issues I have, I'd normally turn to "mom" for... but I can't, & one of the people I had come to feel was another "mom", wow I haven't seen her in probably 6 years.... so I turn to my friends. (those who have always been there, thank you, I love you. those who've been there just randomly or just happen to be there @ the right moment, thank you... & don't think I don't love you too.) ok, now... I was watching the movie Georgia Rule (chick flick but some guys might possibly like it a little)... anyway, there's this scene @ the end, mom n her estranged 17 yr old daughter meet up on the side of the highway n hug and she goes "i'm sorry mommy" and THAT had me in freaking tears... I'm fine the whole movie, rolling my eyes at some of the mom/daughter cheesiness or idiocy I see... but mom & daughter hugging, and "i'm sorry mommy" totally destroys me?! jeez... & who says I'm not a sap?! hahahahahaha ugh i think it was that survey I did earlier... made me realize christmas is coming.... and mom/ashley's birthdays are coming up in like a week and a half. can I just i dunno hide in a closet til maybe January, disappear or something? ha. who am I kidding? I'd suffocate in a closet, and not be able to eat, or go to the bathroom, or shower, or smoke. ugh ok real world it is... lol laters... this pointless babbling was brought to you by lack of nicotine and insomnia.... what was it we used to say @ Oldies? oh yeah... we can sleep in November.