there's this part of me that just wants to go to sleep.
i just want to drift out and melt away.
then there's another part--
and there are so many fucking things i want to do with myself.
so many things i want to be capable of.
so many things i think i can be capable of... am, even...
and i want to do them.
i want to fucking do something.
i'm in a place right now where i'm just so crippled... and i can't.
and i sit up late with a cigarette and a cup of cold coffee...
and i can't move.
i wish there were someone i could talk to but i can't...
there are people out there who think they love me.
but they don't know...
they just don't know.
i've been having hallucinations again. and i don't want to tell anyone...
i've been so fucking disabled...
so frustrated and so restless and so hopeless...
and i'm just falling apart at the seams.
and i've been staring longingly at the knife again, or at a pipe or at a bottle and i know--
i know that none of these are the answer.
but that doesn't change the appeal... no...
and i don't know what to do and i want someone--
want anyone to just look at me, see all of me and just... be alright with that... be alright with me but that's just... it's too much.
so i just want them all to think that i'm ok--
that i'm capable of being ok...
i want to put on this strong front and make sure that everyone thinks it's ok to put a little faith in me.
and i really, really want to believe that it's true...
but is it?
i spend so much time pretending that i'm someone else that even i don't know anymore...
i just don't know... i don't know which way is up anymore.
and i want so badly to be right... i want to know the right way to be...
but i just can't fucking find it.
so here i am.
sitting up with that cold cup of coffee again...
and i'm putting this out there for anyone to see.
consider this a cry for help.
but what the hell am i crying for?
and why the hell am i so confused?
and why is everything so goddamned h a r d .
it really shouldn't be.
it should all be so simple... but it's not and i can't change that.
i'm not a simple girl.
i'm not easy.
fuck, but i want to be.
but wanting something doesn't change anything.
not until you figure out how the hell to make it happen.
so here i am, like i said...
i'm putting this out there for you to see.
and you can reconsider, i understand.
i'm so goddamned hard.
and i shouldn't be saying any of this right now.
i should be putting on a happy face and fucking DOING something.
and i will.
i know i will but i'm just... still figuring out how...
and that takes a lot of fucking patience and no one--
no one is a saint these days.
