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I’ve spent a long time now pursuing a concept of love that had been hyper-inflated by my love of reading and stories. I always expected to meet someone, instantly have some incredible rapport, a slew of shared interests, and a mutual desire to take the leap into some vast unknown. Yet this is the very antithesis of what I have found in my own experience. It seems to me that the stronger one person feels for another, the less likely it is that that person feels anything like that in return. One falls head over heels for the other, and the other finds a general interest in return. One feels confidant of how strongly the feel for the other, and the other is uncertain. While one prepares to take The Leap, and risk themselves in the process, the other has to decide whether to back up, or to accept the responsibility of that person’s decision. Having been in many situations in which I have been the uncertain one, and the fact that I have spent nine years actively avoiding these relationships in hopes of avoiding causing any pain, I’ve actually long since ceased to take it personally when I notice women doing the same in response to my own affections, or whatever you may call it. The truth is though, that both situations are unfair and unhealthy for at least one, if not both individuals. Neither really leads anywhere stable unless their instabilities meld appropriately to make that work. I don’t want to go out on anymore limbs for anyone unless miracles should happen and that becomes a mutual decision with some hypothetical woman. And I don’t want to be responsible for anyone going out on any limbs for me. I can’t promise I’ll deserve it. I honestly don’t really want any of it anymore. All I really want is someone I can say “Hey, let’s get a pizza, and watch some movies” to, and then do that. Or perhaps “Hey, there’s this cool event going on I thought you might be interested in”, and then do that. Maybe some intimacy of one form or another, and be satisfied with it without having to find a hundred labels for it. One day maybe “Hey, you’re here more than your place anyway. Want a key?”, and the other nods because it’s no big fuckin thing. I don’t know. Maybe I’m disillusioned because I don’t care about all the foofy romantic shit anymore, and I don’t give half a fuck what the sex is like anymore either, but I still hold onto the idea of some form of mutual companionship. Passion is nice and great, but it’s a risk. More of a luxury, almost. Give me boring any day of the week.
~Grr 7/14/16
~Grr 6/15/16
Took off for section 8 with the old man around 1 to do the prelim paperwork for the waiver for the house we're looking into, and split up a few hours later at the Buttery. I hopped on the 68 to grab the money orders needed for this month's bills, hit Chipotle for the BEST fucking meal I've had to years (I'm actually saving it still. It's wrapped up nice and tight in the fridge, with plenty of lime wedges) Double steak rice, fried peppers and onions, double scoop of the homemade hot sauce, sour cream, and plenty o' cheese so full, it needed two tortillas naturally. First time being able to afford Chipotle in 6 years. 13 dollar burrito, and worth. Every Dollar. It's the crack. There is in fact handfuls of crack in Chipotle's food. Walked down for Pops' Arbies. (have thus far walked a total of about 3-4 miles. mostly downtown) Headed down to Level Up Games, (BEST video game shop in the area. HANDS DOWN) and LUCKED into another trade-in for Kingdom Hearts 1 & 2, walked about 3 miles down to the bottle shop and grabbed a case of Miller High Life Bottles. Then for the pièce de résistance, I got to carry my PACKED backpack, and the case of High Life for the remaining 2 and a half to 3 miles, Now I get to kick back, crack a few brews, start Kingdom Hearts fresh for an Expert 100% file, (Intend to do the same with 2) and smoke some grass. I have quite thoroughly worked out every part of my body today, and am probably gonna feel it for about the next 36. Mostly in the morning.... ARGH, I'm gonna hurt!
~Grr 9/3/15
Love..... Love comes in many varied forms. We love our family, of course. No-one could ever replace them. We love our friends, best or otherwise. We love our pets. We love our children in a way that nothing else could ever be as important, and that is as it should be. The most elusive of them all though, and the one so many of us want more than anything, is that tricksy little minx called True Love. I don't really buy the whole soulmate thing. With as many millions/billions of us as there are in this world, there's no way that one single person is out there just waiting for me. However, I do believe with so many individuals in the world, it's more than just probable that you will eventually meet someone that makes you feel like they could be a soul mate. It's a numbers game, almost. But more than that, I do believe in the existence of True Love. True Love is different. To steal a line from a movie, True Love is your soul recognizing it's counterpoint in another. It's when you wake up in the morning, and that person is the first thought on your mind, and the last when you go to bed. It's doing the things that make that person happy not because you enjoy them as well, but because you love to see them happy. It's giving up the last slice of pizza without a second thought. It's trusting someone absolutely and completely. It's realizing that you aren't happy unless they are as well. True Love is sacrifice, though it's sacrifice that NEVER feels like actual sacrifice because you're so happy that you can be the one to make that sacrifice. It's never putting yourself first, not because you decide not to, but because the thought to do otherwise never even crossed your mind. True Love is something that can't be destroyed. You don't need a soulmate for True Love to exist. You just need to love someone absolutely.
~Grr 7/15/15
I like to think that we've all had those moments where it seems like no matter what we do, nothing changes. Or perhaps you find yourself in similar situations on an overly recurring basis. One example I can think of off the top of my head, is women that tend to date the same tyoe of guy repeatedly, but lament how they wasnt something different. I don't know why that situation struck me, but it did. Anyway, it's taken me a long time to realize that situations like this are not a mater of the situation or the obstacle itself. It's far more internal than that. In order to change these types of recurring or ongoing battles, one must take an honest look inside one's self, and see if maybe this wall isn't one that is self made. We all put these blocks up in our mind. For this, that, the other thing. More often than not these are made up of assumptions, pre-conceptions, and previous experience. The trick to affecting change, is to shift your focus to own motivation, drive, and expectations, and see if maybe you have been looking at it the wrong way all along. More often than not, I know that I have been.
~Grr 7/14/15
Anxiety manifests itself in strange ways sometimes. Have you ever noticed that we all have vastly different approaches when it comes to facing the outside world? Some like to primp and prim for hours before going out, in the hopes of attracting the stray eye here and there. I've met a few women that prefer to wear large and baggy clothing to prevent people from seeing their actual body shapes. There are those that walk out the door without a single thought to behaving or dressing any differently. I've found that my method is isolation. Before I leave the door every day, I take my time to get ready as well, but I focus instead on looking as intimidating as possible so as to be less approachable. I wear sunglasses everywhere I go, and earphones pumping at full volume into my ears. All to promote the most unapproachable vibe as possible. I like to be left to myself. When I take the earphones out or the sunglasses off and actually engage however, one might be surprised to see that I actually tend to be friendly, funny, and most often incredibly talkative. What most don't know is that this is not me at all. When I was younger, that was just me, but as the years marched on I became far more reserved and contemplative. I spend long periods of time lost in thought. I keep my own counsel and ask no-one for advice or direction. In actuality, I talk more to myself, than to anyone else. The thing is that I learned long ago not to let my real self show. If someone doesn't like me for my fake laughing and jabbering self, then it's no big loss. It's not actually me they dislike, is it? It's a messed up way of coping, I know, but we all have our own methods. What I've come to realize though, is that this method is really no better or worse than anybody else's approach. Different strokes for different folks, and all that jazz. At the end of the day it all comes down to you, and we all have to make the most for ourselves.
~Grr 7/13/15
The Dedicated Ones: The last few days I wrote about not following the mainstream ideal of the way one should live, but I completely neglected to mention another group of people, and today I want to thank them. I talk, of course, about those people out there that saw a career that spoke to them, and dedicated their lives to being the best that they can be. Our doctors, our scientists, our teachers, our entrepreneurs, lawyers, pharmacists, engineers, software writers, etc. These unsung heroes are the backbone of America. Literally the driving force behind our society. The upper .1% will claim they're the ones that make everything possible, but they're dead wrong. It's those dedicated ones that keep it all working. Where would we be without doctors to tend the sick and injured? Where would we be without teachers to pass our knowledge onto our children? Where would we be if we had no scientists to study the mysteries of the universe, and better our understanding? We could get by remarkably well without those corporations and conglomerates tearing down the very fabric of our society though. Once again, to you dedicated ones, I want to say thank you.
~Grr 7/12/15
Why does it seem that no matter what you do, someone has an opinion about it? Quite frankly, I don't give a goddamn WHAT anyone thinks of me. I never have. But it infuriates me when people who are literal non-entities in my life decide that they can judge me on ANYTHING. The reality is that this is my own life, and I intend to live it my own way. I will never waver on that stance, and I don't feel that anyone else should either. We all have different ways of deciding whether or not we are living a fulfilling life, and mine is pretty simple: If I can lay down in bed at night, looking at the events of the day, and say that I did as well as I could for not only myself, but for those around me, then to me I have accomplished much. I'm not that guy that needs a world full of stuff. I just want to know that I helped in some fundamental way. In bed at night, I want to know that I made a difference, however small it may be. Because someone has to. And if not me, then who? That's not to say there are not many others that feel the same way, but that does mean that I won't look at an individual in need and think 'oh, someone will help them'. We all need to back our fellow man, and help how we can, and where we can. We need to stand for something, and stand STRONG in that. We need to look outside of ourselves, and see that there is a great big world out there, and it's not our world. We are just visitors in it. We have no real entitlement in this life, aside from the pursuit of happiness. Why not find your happiness in helping others find theirs?
~Grr 7/11/15
So, I'm trying to get into the habit of writing something every morning when I first get up. It helped put yesterday into perspective, and fuck it, I love to write:
One of the things I seem to struggle with most these days, is finding meaning and purpose in the mediocrity that most people seem to be comfortable. It's just assumed these days, that the only way to actually live a fulfilling life, is to work every day, have a family, then die before your children. I get that. I REALLY do. When I was with my children, I did absolutely everything that I did FOR them. It's just what you do. But when you don't have your children in your life, or don't have children at all, I believe that there are others ways of finding fulfillment. Be it spiritually, personally, mentally, or in the abstract. One way of living doesn't seem like enough when you consider how many millions of people live on this earth. If you're a single male, with no dependents, and you work, say, at a corporation that is systematically destroying the environment any way they can, for example, I would find that to be poisonous for my soul. But that is only one man's opinion. To me, as a single adult male, with no dependents, and no love interest, I would be infinitely more fulfilled say, volunteering my time somewhere that I could make a difference. Or writing a novel that draws a light on a sad part of society, in hopes of making it more widely known. Or perhaps just following various storms around the country, helping to repair destroyed homes, etc. If you're going to DO something with your life, LET IT HAVE MEANING! Let yourself live with purpose. Let your life mean SOMETHING to those around you. And don't bring down your fellow man to boost your own self. Rather help build him up, for in doing so, you build your sense of self up as well.
~Grr 7/110/15
The Solo Life: I've been single for an absurdly long time at this point. There was a time when that fact depressed me, or perhaps made me feel a tinge of jealousy at what I don't have, but somewhere along the line I became comfortable with it, and even begun to like my solitude. I started liking myself, and the person that I am when I am my only influence. I never liked 'the dating game'. 'Tis total crappenshoots, and I have better ways to spend my time. For several years, I played around a lot with different women. Fling here, fling there, etc. Somewhere along the line though, I lost interest in that as well. More superficial nonsense. No real connection. Without that 'spark', it's just raw physical expression, and that alone is an empty experience. Fun, perhaps, but ultimately empty of any real meaning. I am content with where I am. I don't need a woman in my life to make me feel like I have value. There are naturally still occasions when I will think about how nice it would be to have someone, but the bare truth is that I won't settle for just anyone. I don't believe that any of us should settle for anything less than what we deserve. And I deserve far better than I have received so far. Some people may think "oh, why do I always get shit on?", but I prefer to think of it as good fortune left in the bank somewhere. lol. There's no reason to lament what one does not have, when there is so much in this world to be glad for. It's just a matter of putting it all into perspective, and deciding what you do or do not need in your life.
Another odd thing I will note though, is something that I have mentioned once before: Even though, even in my own mind, and my spirit, I know that it has always just been me. Even in my dreams, it has always been me against the world. Lately though, ever since the appearance of a certain woman in my dreams not that long ago (still don't know who it is, as I forget her face and everything when I wake up), there's always someone there now. It's like I can just vaguely feel her presence there. Kind of like a supportive presence. She feels familiar, like I've known her for years, but there's nothing I can ever remember about her the next day that in any way resembles any woman I can remember. It is the WEIRDEST thing.
Anyway, what I mean to say is this: Don't worry about trying to change everything about your life in order to find happiness. Find happiness in what you HAVE, and the rest will come. Life is too fucking short for worries, regrets, or emptiness.
~Grr 7/9/15
