grrrrr, i really miss rochelle, and yet can't seem to be able to talk to her. she added me on myspace yet wasn't on here or aim and it just made me want to talk to her more. my phone doesn't have long distance, so i went to the gas station got minutes for my phone spent 20 dollars just to tell her i miss her, then find my phone won't work, so i have to reactivate it. ive tried sending her messeges like 3 or 4 times it takes a while to type out on a phone explaining to someone you miss them and you had to reactivate your phone to tell them n you wish you could hold them.. and now i notice well i have to wait a few hours before my phone is in the network and i just want to tell her now.
why should it be so hard just to tell someone you miss them or be able to talk to your friend? it's not like i ask for a lot or anything. the one friend i really like talking to i never get to talk to, one of the only friends who even seems to want to talk to me, and stupid distance and life always gets in the way! grrness. and she had new pictures on myspace and they were really pretty, and i miss her more now :( *sigh* wish she was here. i know she has a bf, i'll never be with her and i'm probably just clinging out of loneliness blah blah blah but i don't care anymore, with her i never really did.
i don't feel i can hurt her, it seems odd that she would care about me, she's someone i would have expected to think i'm a poser or laugh at me for being a stupid emo kid or something, probably cuz of my ex alexz being that way after we broke up or something, yet she isn't a bitch or mean in the slightest, she's sweet and and grr i want to be with her :/ i feel like a little kid right now, i feel over dramatic easy to believe and confused, sort of feel like i did with alexz, i feel i donno. i feel like not caring, like being overly passionate, like being really clingy and not worrying if it makes sense/ life doesn't make sense,
it never really does and yet the only way for it to ever make some slight sense is to stop worrying throw ourselves into the unknown and live it, something i'm no good at doing. work stupid phone. damn you work. i have to be at work at 6 in the morning woohoo.. its 130 am. i slept most the day and ill maybe nap before work i slept until 5 was up until 8 ish then slept until 11. dont really care about being tired right now, don't even care about work, i just want to talk to rochelle and be close to her at the moment that's all that really matters. don't want to keep thinking and pondering and such. i want to just let life happen but it's too much in my nature to foresee things too much. so then i end up having those parts of me that keep saying i'm probably just clinging out of desperation, it could never work out, blah blah blah. *sigh* donno,
i just want something to happen, to change, i'm tired of life, i want it to be worth living again, i want someone worth living for.. i don't want to be alone. i want to feel alive, i don't want to hurt people or destroy the world i really don't i just want a reason, to be happy for once. to go more then a day with out looking at my wrist and pondering if i could cut deep enough. to not feel dying is the only thing i can do. why is it my heart so easily with in 5 minutes decided that i could let myself care about rochelle? why did i feel with in half an hour i could tell her i loved her? or that i felt completely comftorable with her and like i could tell her anything? i don't know.. i've only liked 3 people on my own..
grrr, and then i worry if letting myself have feelings is just going to hurt her or fuck up our friendship or well i know it wouldn't i think.. but then what if i should be more cautious? with my luck she'd fall head over heals for me, and then be torn apart.. or i'd fall head over heals but she wouldn't.. which seems what always keeps me from letting myself truly fall for her. we were so close once, :/ maybe i just need something, someone other then ravyn to rant about i donno. i just feel like ranting i guess, seems i'm good at ranting but not making a change. i think i've exhausted my ranting ness for the most part, i've been obsessively thinking of just holding rochelle and cuddling in bed lately. it's odd how thinking of that is able to make my heart beat faster like it does with ravyn, instead of completely feeling just like a thought.
maybe i ought to go back to not caring or wanting to be happy. to not trying to fulfill the need inside of me. perhaps it's hopeless to even think life would ever let me really be happy or have someone that i need. i don't know. i don't want to be miserable anymore, living paycheck to paycheck wondering why. i rather wake up and wonder why anyone would ever want to die. i've now exhausted myself ranting so i shall quit. perhaps i'll get a nap in before work.
