GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007:
>
> New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
>There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
>particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
>football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.
>
>New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
>you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
>found
>in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you
>expect
>it to contain? Lobster?
>
> New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
>blonde
>teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
>kids:
>'Lucky bastards.'
>
> New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
>you're
>a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.
>If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
>
> New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much
>men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
>
>New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
>of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
>Sorry,
>but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
>some
>scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
>
>New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
>redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is
>now
>the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass
>will be
>in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security
>crisis .
>
>New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.
>If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grande, half-soy, half-low
>fat,
>iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice,
>with
>one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet,' ooh, you're a huge asshole.
>
> New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
>card,
>entering my PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding,
>no, I
>don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed
>to be
>ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
>
>New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
>make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
>translates
>to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything
>spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
>spiritual.
>You're just high.
>
> New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
> sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating,
>because
>watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
>What's
>next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called
>'The Howard Stern Show.'
>
> New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
>I'll go nuts and eat two.
>
>New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
>television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
>so we
>can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
>something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
>good
>enough to be a movie.
>
>New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
>weddings.
>Now it's for
>babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you
>want
>and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving,
>it's the white people version of looting.
>
> New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
>After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had
>sex
>with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or
>just
>some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just
>want to wash my hands.
>
>New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27
>months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And i didn't
>really care in the first place.
>
> New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that
>pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo
>every
>available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around
>saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'
