Proud Air Force Wife's blog: "Gabrielle"

So as most of you know, my husband is coming back from his deployment tomorrow. This is a really important time for us to reconnect and get used to each other again so I won't be online much for a few weeks. I'm going to take the opportunity to get my pc fixed, hopefully it won't take more than a week. Maybe next time we talk, my pc won't crash and die on us! yeah! So here's the skinny. I'm giving up the instant messaging but i'll be checking my email and signing into fubar every now and then so if you need me or miss me, please feel free to leave me some messages. I will get back you, I promise! On the 26th of Feb we will be going back stateside for a few weeks. Again, I won't be on im but I will be checking my messages. I just want to thank you all, especially those special few (you know who you are) that have kept me company, and been true friends to me when I really really needed you. I love you all and I appreciate your company more than you know. That being said, Hasta La Pasta babies and I'll catch you later! xoxo, G

there are times when i feel hopeless. there are times when i get depressed. there are times when i worry that the future might not be everything i ever dreamed it would be. there i times that i feel undone; times i feel incomplete. and just when those feelings of despair threaten to take over me, i am reminded. i don't know why it is or who it is that reminds me. sometimes i think i have an idea. none of that matters though. what matters is that i remember and that i share. what matters is that others remember too. i have been reminded that i am lucky. no amount of sadness and lonliness can or should ever make me forget how blessed i am. there are people that have to struggle in this world and some have to struggle just to live. there are people with jobs that have no running water, no heat, and no real shelter from the earth's temperature. there are people who struggle against illness, ignorance, and intolerance. there are people who can't seem to get a break, and yet surprisingly these are the people that often have the most hope. they are the strongest and most persistant when it comes to achieving their dreams. they are often the most generous. always willing to share what they really don't have to spare. always willing to work when something needs to be completed. if these people can hope, work, try, and dream then so can i. i live a healthy life. i live in comfort with a beautiful house to shield and protect me. i have running water, heat, electricity, and insulation. i have a telephone. i have internet access. i have a car to get around in and the gas to feed it. i have food in the refrigerator and in the cabinets for me to choose from for each meal. i have money in my pocket to buy movies, music, and whatever else i might want. as if that weren't enough, i also have someone to love me, care for me, and protect me. i have the comfort of unconditional love from four beings who really believe the sun rises and sets with my presence. i have friends that are excited to see me, spend time with me, and laugh with me. what more could i ask for? how spoiled can i be? i think of these things and i realize that there are so many out there with sooooo much less. that realization humbles me and makes me forget about whatever my petty complaints were/are. so today, i will not complain and i will hold my head up. i will remember that i have everything when some have nothing. i will be thankful. i will be grateful. i will not take my life and the blessings in it for granted. and i will give to those less fortunate than myself, because blessings are not blessing unless they are shared.

here i am, in a place where i can do nothing. a place where i'm useless and unproductive. everyone is dealing with so much stress, sadness, and depression and nothing i do helps. nothing i try helps. everyone is so edgy - raw - unkind. this is the time when words come out that maybe they didn't mean. when they say things to hurt because they have nothing else to say. or maybe it's when they say nothing at all. i try to find silver linings. it's what i do, even in the worst of my own situations. i try to stay positive. but no one else wants to be positive. no one else wants to even believe that there could be a silver lining. i tell them that there's no use dwelling on the negative and they need to come up with a plan of action to correct or move on. they don't want to hear it and don't want to believe it. it's like they want to stay stuck in the mud. so then i try to start it for them. i say, "here, let me help you. i'll take care of this and it'll be OK." they don't seem to care because the very next time shit hits the fan, here they are complaining and being negative spouting over and over again what a horrible tragedy this is on top of everything else when all it takes to fix the new situation is a deep breath, taking a minute to think, and then acting to solve the problem. that's when they say things to hurt me or they just don't calm down and let me handle the issue the way that i would without the additional stress that does no one any good at all. i've come to the end of my own rope. i can't help anyone anymore. nothing i say does any good. nothing i do helps them. it's just so damn frustrating because i try and try even though i'm dealing with my own migraines, sadness, and depression. the only thing that makes me not say anything to them is because i know that i've probably done the same thing to someone else. they don't mean to be difficult, this i know. they don't mean to hurt me either so i forgive them and move on, but there comes a point when i can't be positive anymore and i can't keep pushing for that silver because they're so convincing. i know i should be positive, but that's easier said than done. now all i want to do is retreat into my shell. go to sleep and not care. maybe then, my headache would go away. maybe then i could feel better and not cry anymore. just maybe i will.

i can't take it anymore. the thoughts haunt my sleep, my dreams, my every waking moment. i wake up wondering what happened. i go to sleep, on the nights when i'm lucky enough to sleep, and i keep seeing the life carlitos never got to have. i can't take not knowing what happened and now it's in writing that everything is unknown. carlos got the death certificate back and it says "unknown". how can it be unknown when someone else was there? how can that person live with the truth and see how much it not being said hurts everyone else? why can't he just be a man and tell us what happened? either carlitos fucked up or he didn't, it's as simple as that. i live my life as normally as possible but there are moments like this when i feel so unbelievably sad. i can't help but cry. it's not fair to his memory that we don't know what happened to him. it's not fair to his parents who lost their only child to live the rest of their lives not knowing. it's not fair because someone does know. he knows and he won't give any of us that peace of mind. the only thing left that we desperately need in order to heal. why won't he just tell us? what kind of coward is he? first he uses his younger cousin as a therapist, walks all over him, and now he hides the truth behind the most horrible situation. i just can't bear it. i really can't. i keep telling myself that everything is getting better. that i feel better. that i'm not sick because of this. i keep myself occupied with the thing i love to do more than anything else, cook. but then, when i'm working on a new recipe or just smashing garlic, i think of him and the things i was able to teach him. he'd never cooked before and i taught him how. he'd never used garlic or onions and i showed him how to cut them and peel them. he'd never cooked with habanero peppers and i showed him what to do. it just makes me miss him more.

ALMENGOR Carlos P. Almengor, 19, entered into eternal rest Wednesday, September 20, 2006. Born in Brownsville, TX, to Carlos G. and Irma P. Almengor. Carlos was a 2005 graduate from Franklin High School and was attending New Mexico State University, in his sophomore year and majoring in Criminal Justice. Carlos' love of music shined as a guitar instructor at Desert Moon Studios. He is survived by his paternal grandmother, Carolina Almengor, maternal grandmother, Rafaela Portillo. He also leaves to cherish his memory many loving uncles, aunts, cousins and his faithful dog, "Bandit". Visitation will be from 2 p.m. to 9 p.m. on Sunday, September 24, 2006 at Hillcrest Funeral Home-Doniphan. Vigil at 7 p.m. at Hillcrest Funeral Chapel. Funeral Mass will be at 11:45 a.m. on Monday, September 25, 2006 at St. Pius Catholic Church. Interment will be in Ft. Bliss Cemetery. Directed by HILLCREST FUNERAL HOME. 5054 Doniphan Dr. 587-0202