pal19's blog: "funny"

FW: Fwd: FDA Watch In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

>A little boy walks into his parents ' room to see his mom on top of >his dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly >dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly >and goes to find him. > >The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" > >The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and >sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it." > >"Your wasting your time," said the boy. > >"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled. > >"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on >her knees and blows it right back up." >

A pilot is flying a small single engine plane with a lot of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 10m, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: Hi, where am I?" The solitary office worker replies: "You`re in an airplane." The pilot executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers asked the pilot how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft`s support office, and from there, the airport is just 5 miles away on a bearing of 87 degrees!"

Eight Words with two Meanings > >1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. >Female...... Any part under a car's hood. >Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. > >2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. >Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. >Male.... Playing football without a cup. > >3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. >Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. >Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. > >4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. >Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. >Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. > >5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. >Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. >Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. > >6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. >Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. >Male...... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding. > >7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. >Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. >Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it. > >8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. >Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. >Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes. > >AND; > > > > > >He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put >in it. >She said . . . You wear pants don't you? > > > > > >He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? >She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit >on the sofa and fart! > >He said . .... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave >you? >She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror! > > > > > >He said . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? >She said . . We don't know; it has never happened. > >He said . .. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and >Good- looking? >She said . . . They already have boyfriends. > >She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every >night? >He said .. .. . A widow. > >He said . ... . Why are married women heavier than single women? >She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to >bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the >>>>night. After >>>> they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound >>>>asleep. >>>> Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, >>>>"Kemo Sabe, >>>> look towards sky, what you see?" >>>> The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." >>>> What that tell you?" asked Tonto. >>>> The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, >>>>"Astronomically >>>> speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and >>>>potentially >>>> billions of planets. >>>> Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time >>>>wise, it >>>> appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the >>>>morning. >>>> Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and >>>>we are small >>>> and insignificant. >>>> Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day >>>>tomorrow." >>>> Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you >>>>dumber than a >>>> buffalo. It mean someone stole tent."

FINALLY, A BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES... A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car And was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The Blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through Her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it Look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and Handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then Handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right ?" Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

Management Course Lesson 1 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?" ** Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Lesson 2 A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized. "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." ** Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. Lesson 3 A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Pouf! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Pouf! He's gone. "OK, yo u 're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." ** Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. Lesson 4 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not?" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. ** Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. ** Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. ** Moral of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy; (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! This ends the 3-minute management course.

True Friendship" (With none of that Sissy Crap!!!!) Are you tired of those sissy candyass "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card.... just the stone cold truth of our friendship. 1 When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way. 2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid. 4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining. 6. When you are confused -- I will use "little" words. 7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have. 8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. 9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask...."Because you are my friend" Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth. Send this to "all 10" of your friends, then get depressed because you can only think of four!!! (don't send it back to me....I don't want to hear it!!!) And remember....when life hands you LEMONS ask for tequila and salt and call me over !!!!!

UPS .......Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit S: Something tightened in cockpit P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And the best one for last.................. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away