Cat's blog: "Funny"

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor again, reached for his surgical scissors Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?" The doctor replied......."I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots

A little boy and a little girl, both about eight years old, were playing in the sandbox. Unexpectedly, the little boy farts, causing a little sand between his legs to shift. The little girl notices, and squeals with laughter. "How'd you do that?" she asks. "Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted." "Can I try it," she asks? "Sure," he says, "anybody can do it." She concentrates as she strains and grunts. Suddenly, there's a huge explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out, and the little boy is thrown 20 feet, landing up against a tree. He groggily gets to his feet, runs back to where the little girl is. He finds her laying on the ground, out cold, flat on her back, spread eagle. Curiously, he lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims, "Just what I thought, dual exhaust."

WHERE WOULD YOU BE: IF YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES? IF YOU HAD NO WORRIES? IF YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU? IF YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN? IF YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS? IF YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU, WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES? SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE? ^^ HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!! YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG FUCKING HOUSE!!!!!

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy Some cyanide. The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't Give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my License! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will Happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide! The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in Bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's Different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath. " The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes.

The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent flyer miles, Mike and Maureen land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, How they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long Pencil, it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, His member grows wider and wider until the entire Measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was damn good.. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. 8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me". 12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry". 13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a tour of the reservation they were on, she asked, "Why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdress?" She asked a brave who had only one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "me have only one squaw, me have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied, "ugh me have four feathers because me sleeps with four squaws." Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of mates involved, she decided to interview the chief. Now the chief had a headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Miss Walters. She asked the chief, "why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?" The chief proudly sounded his chest and said, "me chief fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall, me fuck-em all." Horrified, Miss Walters stated, "you ought to be hung. The chief replied, "you damned right, I'm hung like buffalo." Miss Walters cried, "you don't have to be so damned hostile." The chief replied, "hoss style, dog style, wolf style, any style, me fuck-em all." Tears in her eyes, Miss Walters cried, "oh dear." The chief said, "no deer, me fuck no deer, asshole too high and fucker runs too fast. No fuck deer." Miss Walters fainted.

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? Because they are plugged into a genius. 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? They don't have enough time. 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? They don't stop to ask directions. 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? Because their balls fall over their butt hole, and they vapor lock. (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!) 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties. 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? You need a rough draft before you make a final copy. 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? Don't know.... it never happened. (C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!) And my personal favorite... 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Typical macho man marries typical good-looking woman and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?" His new bride says, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or not." (SHE'S GOOD!) ************************************ Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife have a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last" (HE ASKED FOR IT!) ****************************** Marriage (Part III) Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "You're no good in bed either!" and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" She says, "Getting a second opinion!" (YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!) ****************************************** Marriage (Part IV) A man has six children and is very proud of his achievements. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." (DITTO!) ************************************** Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.