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| How men can amuse themselves when taken shopping!!!!!!! HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO'S Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her Husband or boyfriend along shopping This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a Customer in Oxford : Dear Mrs. Murray , Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your Husband stops his antics. Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all Verified by our surveillance cameras: 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's Trolleys when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute Intervals. 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to Feminine Products aisle. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code3' in housewares..... And watched what happened. 5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing Department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor Gas stove. 7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' 8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,picked his nose, and ate it. 9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the Antidepressants were. 10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme. 11.November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna' look using different size funnels. 12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, Yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!' 13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.' And; last, but not least: 14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.' We thank you for your patronage, but please leave your husband at home. Tesco. Banbury. |
This is an evaluation of a person after talking to me for about one hour.. on and off
we can squash dis, I was jus tryna get ta know you, but dont think you know da diff of real and fake, like youve been tainted from da folks on da internet, and yes,,,,,,,,, you mek it hard for sombody ta get ta know you cuz you put up dis wall dat you think people cant see thru, ima leave you alone, but I wanna show you somthin if your cool wit dat, (aint a cam thang) jus somthin I wrote, Im cool, and I concider you a friend, a boring one, butchu cool wit me, even doe you lame
Something must be wrong with me when I refused to view his cam which he insisted, saying I'm lame cos I don't want to view his cam
Sigh
1.402): meow
(1-402): WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
2.(801): all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
(254): at least its a homemade gift
3.(403): you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
4.(816): dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
5.(347): in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
6.(763): She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
7.(703): I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
(1-703): I see a marketing opportunity
8.(703): we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
9.(848): a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
10.(314): he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
1.(631): Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
2.(775): Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
(504): Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
3.(302): Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
(845): Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
4.(614): I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
5.(402): I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
6.(215): After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
(610): I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
7.(440): yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
(1-440): and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
8.(205): we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
9.(330): We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
(330): Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
10.(214): I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
1.(214): so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
(214): i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
(214): he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
2.(817): After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
3.(617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
(508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
4.(805): he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
5.(717): he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
6.(916): How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
(1-916): Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
7.(202): therell be strippers and coke right?
(703): no strippers. just coke.
(202): i hate this fuckin recession
8.(812): Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
(917): Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
(812): Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
9.(510): he said he didn't have a condom.
(415): and you said?
(510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
10.(312): dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
(847): details on that.
(312): well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
1.(415): And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
(1-415): What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
(415): He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
2.(612): I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
3.(218): Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
(763): ew wtf
4.(302): she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
5.(914): omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
6.(914): i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
7.(917): Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
8.(705): i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
9.(216): let's bang
(773): You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
10.(949): After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
When I was a young lad, I’d get really creative when masturbating. It wasn’t enough for me to grab some lotion and go to town. I wanted to try to replicate the vagina fucking experience as best as possible. Call me the McGyver of masturbation, if you will.
Anyhow, as I mentioned, this story takes place in the early days when I had just started to beat it.
I wanted to create some sort of device that I could have “sex” with that would feel like what I thought a real vagina would feel like… or, at least not feel like my hand. I was too young to know that you could buy masturbation toys (like rubber vaginas), and even if I did know, was I going to ask my mother to buy one for me? No.
One day I got some paper, tape, and tissues together. I made cylinder-like shape with the paper. I was sure to use several layers so that the object would be sturdy. Then, I got a bunch of tissues, and stuffed them inside of the paper cylinder. I suck my finger down into the soft tissuey tube and it felt soft and welcoming!
So, I got the tape out, taped the masturbation object to the floor in my bedroom, and kind of hovered over it with my pelvis. By now I had a boner as I thought ahead to what I was about to do. I positioned my penis right before the cylinder, and went for it. At first, it felt pretty good (I mean it wasn’t my hand for once). But about two minutes in all the tissues were pretty much rammed to the end of the tube and it became less pleasurable. But, I was determined to climax and kept going. By this time I was just about rubbing my cock on bare paper. I didn’t care, I wanted to finish–and a few minutes later I did. When I pulled my wiener out, I saw that I had caused some serious damage to my cock. The sides were bright red and I even managed a paper cut where the top of the tube met the base of my penis. The pleasure was definitely not worth the pain. But even McGyver has his fuck ups, right?
This is something I’m sure every guy has tried–or at least this is what I like to tell myself. I was either 17 or 18 years old and like most boys that age, my hormones were through the roof. That being the case I, of course, was constantly touching myself and masturbating. The unfortunate thing about this time period in my life was that I wasn’t getting any… none. I was a virgin, a dork, and had never even kissed a girl. Since my dick had never been in a vagina, or anything even close to a vagina I was curious. So in my room alone one night touching myself I was struck with what I thought at the time was good idea. I was going to try to suck my own dick.
I’m a pretty flexible guy and my dick isn’t huge, but it’s not small. So, I figured I had a good shot a getting my dick in something warm and wet. I justified the experience by saying to myself “it’s just like masturbating… except you’re just not using your hand, you’re using your mouth.” I figured the situation would only be weird if I came in my own mouth, so I decided that when I was close I would “pull out.” You can see the confidence I had in my flexibility having decided all this before even attempting the difficult part of getting my dick in my mouth. I then sat on my bed flipped my legs behind my head and began folding myself in half and began straining closer and closer towards my dick. I was merely a half inch away and was hoping to get some sort of reward for my efforts–so I stuck my tongue out and SUCCESS! I manged to get my tongue on the tip of my dick. This felt both strange (because I was licking my own cock) and amazing. It was right now in my moment of glory, ass in the air, tongue on my dick, that my mom walked in. Some how I had forgotten to lock my door. To this day I have no idea why she walked in… To get my laundry? To ask if I was hungry? Who knows. She took one look at me naked, folded in half, tongue on dick and walked out. We never spoke of this moment… but she did ask me if i needed to “talk” with anyone about things about a week later. Yeah she wanted me to see a shrink.
So, I decided to take a short trip away from home to relax, party and have some fun. I went to a club and got completely wrecked and was talking up a pretty cute girl. Not the kind of girl I’d take home to Mom, but she seemed easy and she wasn’t an uggo so that was good enough for me.
I remember bits and pieces of the night, like leaving the club together and going back to her dorm and making out all over her dorm room–on the couch, in the kitchen and then finally in her room, etc. Pretty much everything after that is a blur… until the next morning. I woke up groggy and the girl I woke up next to was not nearly as hot as I thought she was the night before so I did what any self-respecting person would do, I snuck out.
Her dorm rooms had one of those community bathrooms so I went to the bathroom and the whole way down the hall every person I passed was staring at me and smiling/laughing and I couldn’t figure it out. I got into the bathroom and looked in the mirror and there was blood all over my face. It took me a second to figure out why. Apparently the girl I hooked up with was on her period and I went down on her. I puked my ass off and washed my face, then I walked about 8 miles back to my car feeling sick and I had lost my lucky boxers. I won’t tell my friends this story because they would never let me live it down.
