Lissa's blog: "Funny!!"

MAXINE ON BORDER PATROL:U.S. version Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. The result is a win-win-win situation: + Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border. + Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies. + Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border. Any other problems you would like for me to solve today ? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When The postal authorities received the letter to God,USA, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those thieves deducted $95.00 in taxes. Just thought you should know!

BEER WARNING ..... Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer." The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. Afte r drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up ?Golf Courses" in the phone book.

1. Fill up your car or truck in the morning when the temperature is still cool. Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried belowground; and the colder the ground, the denser the gasoline. When it gets warmer gasoline expands, so if you're filling up in the afternoon or in the evening, what should be a gallon is not exactly a gallon. In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and temperature of the fuel (gasoline, diesel, jet fuel, ethanol and other petroleum products) are significant. Every truckload that we load is temperature-compensated so that the indicated gallonage is actually the amount pumped. A one-degree rise in temperature is a big deal for businesses, but service stations don't have temperature compensation at their pumps. 2. If a tanker truck is filling the station's tank at the time you want to buy gas, do not fill up; most likely dirt and sludge in the tank is being stirred up when gas is being delivered, and you might be transferring that dirt from the bottom of their tank into your car's tank. 3. Fill up when your gas tank is half-full (or half-empty), because the more gas you have in your tank the less air there is and gasoline evaporates rapidly, especially when it's warm. (Gasoline storage tanks have an internal floating 'roof' membrane to act as a barrier between the gas and the atmosphere, thereby minimizing evaporation.) 4. If you look at the trigger you'll see that it has three delivery settings: slow, medium and high. When you're filling up do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to the high setting. You should be pumping at the slow setting, thereby minimizing vapors created while you are pumping. Hoses at the pump are corrugated; the corrugations act as a return path for vapor recovery from gas that already has been metered. If you are pumping at the high setting, the agitated gasoline contains more vapor, which is being sucked back into the underground tank so you're getting less gas for your money .

The Good, the bad and the Ugly! Body: Good : Your wife is pregnant. Bad : It's triplets. Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago. Good : Your wife's not talking to you Bad : She wants a divorce. Ugly : She's a lawyer. Good : Your son is finally maturing. Bad : He's involved with the women next door. Ugly : So are you. Good : Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there. Ugly : You're in them. Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad : You can't find your birth control pills. Ugly ; : Your daughter borrowed them. Good : Your husband understands fashion. Bad : He's a cross-dresser. Ugly : He looks better than you. Good : You just gave 'the birds and the bees' talk to your daughter. Bad : She keeps interrupting. Ugly : With corrections Good : Your son is dating someone new. Bad : It's another man. Ugly : He's your best friend. Good : Your daughter got a new job. Bad : As a hooker. Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients. Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.

I got this in an email and was hit by this and what it says! I know way to many people who all they do is gripe about this person or that or this event and that one and hell I have my days too....yes, I'm a woman....BUT we all should really start looking at things with a better attitiude and here is some proof why!!! Attitude... >There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, >and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. > >Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today?" >So she did, and she had a wonderful day. > >The next day she woke up, >looked in the mirror >and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. > >"H-M-M," she said, >"I think I'll part my hair down the middle today?" >So she did and she had a grand day. > >The next day she woke up, >looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her >head. > >"Well," she said, >"today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." >So she did and she had a fun, fun day. > >The next day she woke up, >looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her >head. > >"YEA!" she exclaimed, >"I don't have to fix my hair today!" > >Attitude is everything. > >Be kinder than necessary, >for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. > >Live simply, > >Love generously, > >Care deeply, > >Speak kindly....... > >Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... > >It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Notice: All of these involve MEN! ROFL YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID EIGHTH PLACE: In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. SEVENTH PLACE: A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,' accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run. SIXTH PLACE: Buxton, NC : A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA , but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. FIFTH PLACE: Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc , as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor. FOURTH PLACE: Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del , as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. A s Ron White often says: ' You can't fix stupid.' These people prove it is a terminal condition. As always, competition this year has been keen. THIRD PLACE: The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington, DC appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices: 1. His target was H&J Leather &Firearms; A gun shop specializing in handguns. 2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers. 3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door. 4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a 50 DESERT EAGLE, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also drew and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire. HONORABLE MENTION: Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed. RUNNER UP: TACOMA, WA . Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay near by. One end of the cable was secured around Bin gham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy salt water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. 'All I can say' said Bingham, 'is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it.' Bingham's foot was never located. AND THE WINNER... Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged- up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. 'The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation kno cked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him' said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens.' YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID..

Let's pretend we're married. . . LOL A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married." The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles. "Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"