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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help 
me...I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it 
started." Her boy friend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's 
finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a 
tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She 
lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. 
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He took her hand and said, "Second, I'd want you to relax...Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..........." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes 
back in the box."

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when 
he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a 
little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" 
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. 
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man 
starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!" 
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and 
shuts the door in his face. 
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the 
little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts 
his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" 
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little 
Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. 
I don't want them!" 
Then he slams the door in his face again. 
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, 
There's a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the 
same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, 
"You sign! You sign!" 
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time 
Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt 
front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? 
You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" 
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and 
says: 



"You not Nissan Main Dealer?

Two muffins

Two muffins are in an oven. 
One says, "Wow, it's hot in here..." 
The other says, "HOLY **** A TALKING MUFFIN!"

busted for smoking dope

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail." 

So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday. 

So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did. 

''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy. 

''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge. 

''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.'' 

''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.'' 

''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge. 

''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''

Which of these words doesn't belong; Meat, Wife or Blowjob? 

Blowjob, cuz you can beat your meat, you can beat your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob

walks into a bar

Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. Puts 
the croc up on the bar. 

He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: "I'll make you a deal. 
I'll open this croc's mouth and place my balls inside. Then the croc 
will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll 
remove my balls unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, 
each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured in unanimous 
approval. Steve stood up to the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed 
his privates in the croc's mouth as the crowd gasped. 

After a minute, Irwin grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the croc hard on 
the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and he removed his 
genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his 
free drinks were delivered. 

Steve stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's 
willing to give it a try. A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a 
hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up... 

"I'll try it! Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle."

Superman is looking to have a night out. He calls Batman. Batman out with Robin. He calls the Invisible Man. He doesn't pick up his phone. So he's flying around the city looking for something to do. With his super sight he sees into Wonder Woman's window, and she's spread eagle on the bed. He thinks "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could fly in, do my thing, and then fly out and she'll never know." He does this and while he's flying away he hears Wonder Woman with his super hearing saying "did you hear something?" and the Invisible Man saying "No, but man my ass hurts"

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