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51193's blog: "funny stuff"

created on 10/01/2006  |  http://fubar.com/funny-stuff/b8925
A little 'Johnny humor' to brighten your day! Little Johnny Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, - Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane... at this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.' At the dinner table, Mommy asked little, Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army. Mommy fainted! THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interupt.
Weird Things You Would Never Know!! (But do now!) A shrimp's heart is in its head. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14,Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles? I n every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. 23% of all photocopier faults world-wide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts. Most lipstick contains fish scales. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call. Horses can't vomit. Butterflies taste with their feet. In 10 minutes, a hur ricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined. On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year. On average people fear spiders more than they do death. Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. A snail can sleep for three years. No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH." < Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. The electric chair was invented by a dentist. All polar bears are left handed. In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. "Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Apple Computers

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $599. This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Onestone ... The Indian With One Testicle There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone." So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! What is the moral of this story? . OH, come on .... take a guess! Think about it .................. (You're going to love this!) And the moral is: You can't kill two birds with one stone ........................ So there!

Retirement Planning

Retirement Planning: If you had purchased $1,000 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00 Or with Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000. With WorldCom you would have had less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines you would have $29.00 left. But, if you had purchased $1,000 of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminium recycling refund, you would have had $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. THEY CALL IT THE "401-KEG PLAN"

he he

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken back, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!" "And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"

Im March

What baby are you? ---------------JANUARY BABY-------------------- Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to Recover when hurt. Sensitive. Down-to-Earth. Stubborn. Repost this in 5 mins and you will meet Someone new in 8 days that will perfectly balance Your personality. ----------FEBRUARY BABY -------------------- Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest And loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves Freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves Aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends But rarely shows it. Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the Inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions. Repost this in 5 mins and you will talk to someone New and realize that you are a perfect match. -----------------MARCH BABY -------------------- Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and Reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous And sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up Feelings. Observant and assesses others.If you Repost this in the next 5 mins, you will meet your New love in 8 days. ------------------APRIL BABY ------------------- Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and Sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does Work well with others. Very confident. Sensitive. Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good Memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look For information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or Make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and Others. Understanding. Fun to be around. Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and Travelling. Systematic. Hot but has brains. If you Repost this in 5 mins, a Cutie that's caught your eye Will introduce themselves and you will realize that You are very much alike in the next 2 day s. -----------------MAY BABY ----------------- Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and Highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to Dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good Imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves Literature and the arts. Loves travelling. Dislike Being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. If you repost this in the Next 5 minutes, you will become close to someone You do not speak to much in the next 4 days. ------------JUNE BABY ------------- You've got the best personality and are an Absolute pleasure to be around. You love to make New friends and be outgoing. You are a great flirt And more than likely have an a very attractive Partner. A wicked hottie. It is also more than likely That you have a massive record collection. You Have a great choice in films, and may one day Become a famous actor/actress yourself - heck, You've got the looks for it!!! IN the next 6 days you Will meet someone that may possibly become One of your closest friends, if you repost this in 5 minutes. ----------------JULY BABY -------------- Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to Be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily Consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's Feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Spazzy at times. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive And forms impressions carefully. Caring and Loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of Sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people Through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties In studying. Loves to be with friends Always broods About the past an d the old friends. Waits for Friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive Unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt But takes long to recover. Repost this in the next 5 mins and your reputation will boost someway in the next 12 days ------------AUGUST BABY --------------- outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. no self control. kind hearted. self confident. loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. easy to get along with and talk to. has an "every thing's peachy" attitude. likes talking and singing. loves music. daydreamer. easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. loves to be loved. hates studying. in need of "that someone". longs for freedom. rebellious when withheld or restricted. lives by "no pain no gain" caring. always a suspect. playful. mysterious. "charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. stubborn. curious. independent. strong willed. a fighter. repost in 5 mins and you will meet the love of your life sometime next month. ------------SEPTEMBER BABY --------------- Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore. Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand. if you do not repost this in the next 5 mins, someone very close to you will become mad at you in the next 8 days. ---------------OCTOBER BABY ------------------- Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the centre. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all. repost this in 5 mins or you will not meet the love of your life for 10 years. ---------------NOVEMBER BABY -------------------- Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind. ---------------DECEMBER BABY --------------- This straight-up means ur the most good-looking person possible... better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. one guy/girl kind of person. Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. loves music. ]
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Middle East (formerly known as Iraq,Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon): Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036. Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

He He

Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. Another interesting fact about Donald Duck is he never wore pants but always wore a towel when he came out of the shower! lol

LMAO

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates". The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize? The man replied," "These are Carols." And So The Holiday Season Begins....
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