387599's blog: "funny sayings -kids"

Laziness Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he's supposed to be doing at the moment. --Robert Benchley If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. A conclusion is simply the place where you get tired of thinking. Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Early bird gets the worm, but the second worm gets to live. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.--Charlie McCarthy If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a fool. "I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them."-- E.V. Lucas The best part about procrastination is that you are never bored, because you have all kinds of things that you should be doing. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. A watched clock never boils. Time is money, money is the root of all evil, and knowledge is power. Therefore, procrastination is the key to world peace. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. Hard work never killed anyone, but why give it a chance? There are a million ways to lose a work day, but not even a single way to get one back.--Tom DeMarco and Timothy Lister It is an undoubted truth, that the less one has to do, the less time one finds to do it in.--Earl of Chesterfield Someday is not a day of the week. The time to begin most things is ten years ago.--Mignon McLaughlin Ignorance If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? If ignorance is bliss, I'm the happiest person you'll ever meet. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. I'm not a complete idiot: some parts are missing. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. Don't follow in my footsteps, I walk into walls. When in doubt, mumble. I may look busy, but I'm just confused. I smile because i have no idea what's going on. Not only do I not know what's going on, but I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. I am not stupid. Everyone else is just smarter than me. Make it idiot-proof, and someone will make a better idiot. Being good at stupid doesnt count. The difference between genius and stupidity is genius has its limits.-Albert Einstein Le sens commun n'est pas si commun (Common sense is not so common)--Voltaire [Francois-Marie Arouet Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.--Albert Einstein You have reached the end of the page!

Humorous Sayings In Order to get the handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads. Never forget a friend, especially those that owe you--Chinese Proverb If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner. Suburbs are areas where they cut down trees and then name the streets after them. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. You can't have everything, where would you put it? I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in? It may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others. Strangers have the best candy. Humpty-Dumpty was pushed! Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes. -Jack Handy There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. My husband and I divorced over religious reasons. He thought he was G-d and I didn't! Earth is the insane Asylum for the universe. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. I almost had a psychic boyfriend, but he left me before we met! Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back! If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look too good either. When the blind leadeth the blind, get out of the way. Keep smiling - it makes everyone wonder what you're up to. Never drink water - if it can rust iron, imagine what it can do to your stomach. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel...just hope it's NOT a train! I'm not littering... I'm donating to the earth. If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway. If you dont like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk! Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done. DEAR IRS, Please cancel my subscription. G-d, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defence. Buy one for the price of two and get the second one free! Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left handed people are in their right mind. If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. If you blow in a dog's face-he'll get mad at you, but take him for a ride in the car - the first thing he does is stick his head out of the window! Man is a peculiar creature. He spends a fortune making his home insect-proof and air-conditioned, and then eats in the yard. Only in America do we have drive up ATM's with braile on them. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is 'uncopyrightable'! The only ones who aren't grateful on Thanksgiving are turkeys. Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door. Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is. It's always room-temperature. money may not buy happiness, but it sure makes misery much easier to live with. Anyone who says 'Easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried it. ALWAYS LATE but worth the wait. I'd have a photographic memory but it was never developed. I'm actually quite pleasant until I'm awake. If you're too open-minded your brains will fall out. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? If con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of progress? The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less. He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers--Joseph Blosephina I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn´t explain away afterwards. It´s funny- the ppl. who want quiet are always the loudest getting everyone else to shut up. Imagine how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Whoever said money can´t buy happiness doesn´t know where to shop. The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back.* Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.* If it weren't for Edison, we'd be watching TV by candlelight.* Anyone who wants the presidency enough that he will spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.* Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.* You have reached the end of the page!

Unanswered Questions Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? OK, so what's the speed of dark? Why do psychics have to ask for your name? If a cow laughs hard, does milk come out its nose? If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2? If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet? The "Psychic Friends Network" went out of business... didn't they see it coming? Is it possible for someone to become addicted to therapy? And If so, how would you treat them? Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why is the word abbreviation so long? If a word is mispelled in the dictionary, is it mispelled? And if it is mispelled, how would we know?-AML Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting? Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites? Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things? If you are dialing from a touch-tone phone, Why do you call it 'dialing'? -Ziggy Do coffins have lifetime guarantees? If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit? Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them? "Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"? Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Can you get cornered in a round room? Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet? Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse? Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate? Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’? Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear? If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware? Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside? Why do you go "back and forth" to town if you really must go forth before you go back? Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been free? If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it? You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to people that work nights? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? How is it possible to have a civil war? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? Why on Earth, with over 3/4 of our planet covered by water, don't we call it 'ocean'?--Ziggy Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics? Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? If quitters never win, and winners never quit, how can it be wise to: "Quit while you're ahead"? Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? Most mothers feed their babies with little spoons and forks. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these people? Why don't they put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while delivering the mail? Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? What's another word for Thesaurus?--Steven Wright If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? Why is it that when trasporting stuff on a car its called a SHIPment, but if transporting stuff on a ship its called CARgo? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?* If two wrongs don't make a right, then how come two negatives make a positive?*

Unanswered Questions Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? OK, so what's the speed of dark? Why do psychics have to ask for your name? If a cow laughs hard, does milk come out its nose? If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2? If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet? The "Psychic Friends Network" went out of business... didn't they see it coming? Is it possible for someone to become addicted to therapy? And If so, how would you treat them? Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why is the word abbreviation so long? If a word is mispelled in the dictionary, is it mispelled? And if it is mispelled, how would we know?-AML Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting? Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites? Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things? If you are dialing from a touch-tone phone, Why do you call it 'dialing'? -Ziggy Do coffins have lifetime guarantees? If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit? Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them? "Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"? Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Can you get cornered in a round room? Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet? Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse? Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate? Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’? Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear? If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware? Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside? Why do you go "back and forth" to town if you really must go forth before you go back? Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been free? If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it? You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to people that work nights? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? How is it possible to have a civil war? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? Why on Earth, with over 3/4 of our planet covered by water, don't we call it 'ocean'?--Ziggy Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics? Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? If quitters never win, and winners never quit, how can it be wise to: "Quit while you're ahead"? Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? Most mothers feed their babies with little spoons and forks. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these people? Why don't they put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while delivering the mail? Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? What's another word for Thesaurus?--Steven Wright If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? Why is it that when trasporting stuff on a car its called a SHIPment, but if transporting stuff on a ship its called CARgo? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?* If two wrongs don't make a right, then how come two negatives make a positive?*

Dieting A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. Another good weight reducing exercise consists in placing both hands against the table edge and pushing back. -Robert Quillen Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork. -English Proverb Eat to live, do not live to eat. -William Penn, 1693 I keep trying to lose weight... but it keeps finding me! I'm a light eater. When it gets light, I start eating.--Tommy John I'm allergic to food. Every time I eat it breaks out into fat.--Jennifer Greene Duncan I'm in shape. Round is a shape... isn't it? I'm not overweight, I'm undertall. I'm on a 90-day wonder diet. Thus far, I've lost 45 days. I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. --Joel, 14, Advice from Kids It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds. A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width. I have a weight problem (I can't wait to start eating!!!) Touch your toes And touch your toes And wish you'd skipped those Oreo's. I get my exercise running to the refrigerator. I thought tuna was something to hold the mayonaise together. Seven days without chocolate makes one weak. First you consume chocolate, then chocolate consumes you. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. Some people are afraid of heights.I'm afraid of widths. You know you are dieting when postage stamps taste good. 'Stressed' is 'Desserts' spelled backwards Relish today. Catchup tomorrow. Diet: Two people dying together.--AML Note that if you take the T away from the word diet, it spells die. "Food will kill me... But not if I kill it first!"* The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.*

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and be quiet. Children will soon forget your presents, they will always remember your presence. - Dobson There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it--Chinese Proverb There are only a few pretty children in the world and every mother has them.--AML Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the drive before it has stopped snowing. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. They say kids brighten the home. That's because they never turn the lights off. I have teenagers. Pray for me. "You're a good example of why some animals eat their young."--Jim Samuels If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.