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Wrong Card
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it read "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location!!'
Sunbather
A woman was staying at a hotel and she decided to go sunbathing on the hotel roof. When she laid down her bikini top fell off. But, she didn't care because no one would see her anyway.
After a while she heard footsteps; it was the hotel manager. She hurried and covered herself up.
The hotel manager said, "We don't mind if you sunbathe up here, but we really would appreciate it if you would keep your bikini top on!"
She answered, "No one will see me anyway."
The hotel manager replied, "I hate to break this to you. But, you've been lying on the dining room skylights."
Roar
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear!"
Not So Dumb After All
There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.
They would always comment that he was a few bricks shy of a full load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime, and John would always take the nickel.
One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think that you don't know that the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or why?"
Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it. So far I have
Designer
Four engineers were sitting around one day trying to figure out who might have designed the human body.
The first fellow said, "I think it might be a Mechanical Engineer, because of joints and muscle and sense of balance." The other three nodded their heads and said, "Yeah, could be."
The second fellow said, "I think it might be an Electrical Engineer, because of the nervous system and neural network." The other three nodded their heads and said, "Yeah, could be."
The third fellow said, "I think it might be a Chemical Engineer, because of hormonal balances and metabolism." The other three nodded their heads and said, "Yeah, could be."
The fourth fellow snaps his fingers and shouts out, "I know, it HAD to have been a Civil engineer!" The other three ask "Why?"
"Well," replied the fourth fellow, "who else would put a waste water drainage right through a recreational area?"
One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, "Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?"
The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."
