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I don't really blog alot but when I came across this review of Der Weinerschnitzel I had to post it! Here it is for your enjoyment. It's really funny in my humble opinion :D
The review is from Jetta R. from Phoenix, Az.
What would I ever do without Wienerschnitzel?
It's my holy place. My temple. My place of tribute.
And I'm not making a clever metaphor for the rise in obesity and fast food consumption.
You see, to keep in line with my religion (Discordianism), I have to eat a hot dog (or two...or three) every Friday in reverence to the goddess Eris. I'm not making this shit up. Look it up in our scripture.
I experimented for a while in finding a suitable regular source of weenie. At first I tried doing the "hot dog cart outside of the store/bar/strip club" thing, but after a while I realized that behind every smiling hot dog salesman is a tragic story of heartbreak and shattered dreams, and I began to fear that eventually hot dogs would begin to taste like cheating spouses and children who dropped out of med school with only weeks left to graduation.
I tried gas stations. Mobil On The Run and Quiktrip especially, because they have some of the best chili cheese dogs in all of creation. I was content for some time, thrilled to be able to fill up my gas tank while participating in a sacred ritual. Finally, religion was serving me, instead of the other way around. Life was good.
Then one day I walk into a MotR and inquire the clerk as to the freshness of the dogs.
(THIS IS A DRAMATIZATION)
"Good sir, how long have these franks been on yonder grill?"
"I don't know, since last night I think."
"I say, that's ludicrous! Have you any idea how unsanitary that is?"
"We leave them out until their sold. They do the same at movie theaters. And why do you talk like that? Are you gay or something?"
"If by 'gay' you mean happy, sir, then no, I most certainly am not. I am not 'gay' about these health violations."
Long I lingered unhappily in the desert of unhappiness where unhappy vultures feast on unhappy roadkill.
Why would my god(dess) demand I ingest something so foul?
That's just a rhetorical question, btw. In The Principia Discordia it outlines exactly why we should eat hot dogs. Eating a hot dog on a Friday violates the dietary conditions of every major religion. That's how we roll.
At the suggestion of a friend I stumbled across Wienerschnitzel, which to this day I have yet to spell correctly on the first try.
Not only do they have the best chili cheese dogs I've had in a long time, but also the best chili cheese fries, chili cheese burgers, chili cheese french fry burritos...and they also have the hypocrisy, insincerity and apathy I look for in a religious institution.
Like a Sunday School teacher who tells their kids that killing is bad unless it's America's enemies, WS has no regard for their own doctrine. Every time I visit the drive through it's the same noise. "No, you can't substitute your french fries for a chili cheese french fry burrito. No, you can't sub out your soda for a tastee freeze." Yet every time I get to the counter, there's that same shady cashier looking both ways before giving me my bag and warning me that it's "just this once" and not to expect them to do me any favors next time.
That's the kind of "do as I say, not as I do" attitude I expect, no, require, from a religious establishment. I demand the same amount of two-faced clergy that is available to everyone else.
Every time I hear them say "Thank you, have a nice day" it wraps an invisible fuzzy, warm blanket over me. It reminds me of my youth. Of cranky, obligated "bless yous" that come after every sound-barrier-breaking sneeze, of every dazed and listless "may the lord be with you" in every Catholic service. Sentimentality is very important to me in a religious institution. I may attend this temple of consumerist worship the rest of my life. I need to be able to remember it when I'm away, eating normal people food and doing those things that reasonable, rationally-minded people do with their free time when not eating hot dogs in heathen rituals and talking to dolphins.
And apathy. Yeah. They're pretty apathetic whenever I show up. But so am I, I guess. Big deal. Who cares?
Oh, also, they charge extra for all-beef hot dogs. Which means that the lower option is made up of mystery meat. I keep hoping I bite into one and accidentally eat a demon or something.
The best part of WS is that like a small church on the side of a country road (that's where churches are, right? I haven't been to one since I attended a wedding in Waco, TX), WS has its own regulars, usually specific to each branch. Probably because with all that chili and cheese we eat, we can't be bothered to travel too far to you know, try other things out. We all laugh and smile and laugh at each other, consumed by a sense of camaraderie/mutually assured destruction.
Wienerschnitzel really does bring me closer to my god(dess).
What would I do without it?
I dunno. Eat spaghettios with hot dogs cut up in them. At the rate I'm going, I'll be lucky if I can make it to the can opener without having a heart attack.
