FREYJA married 2 NitroFish's blog: "Funnies"

BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE?

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .. . 



 

LOST  IN THE DARNDEST PLACES

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.  She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:  'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. 

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' 

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard,' he says.  
'She got in the back-seat by mistake.' 
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FAMILY 
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.  One night the 96-year old draws a bath.  She puts her foot in and pauses.  She yells to the other sisters,

'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'  The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know.  I'll come up and see.'      She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'  The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.  She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.'  She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'  _______________________________________________________   ‘I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!' Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'  'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'  And the third man chimed in, 'So am I.  Let's have a beer ....'  _________________________________________________________________   LITTLE LADY: A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home.  As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her night-gown and say 'Supersex.'  She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.  Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.'  He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'    _____________________________________________________________ OLD FRIENDS: Now this one is just too Precious...! Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.  Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.  Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.  One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me.  I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name!  I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.    Please tell me what your name is 'Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.   Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'  _________________________________________________________________      DRIVING   Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.   The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.  The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, 'I must be losing it.  I could have sworn we just went through a red light.'  After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.  Again, they went right through.  The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.   She was getting nervous.    At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.    So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?  You could have killed us both!'    Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we >> were in bed. >> >> I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she > answered. >> >> I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me >> this time, simply saying "Yes." >> >> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." >> >> And that's when the fight started.... >> ********************************************************************* >> >> I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" >> >> It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. >> >> "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. >> >> So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" >> >> And that's when the fight started.... >> >> ********************************************************************** >> >> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, >> grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. >> >> I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a >> torrential downpour. >> >> The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned >> on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. >> >> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into > bed. >> >> I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and >> whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' >> >> My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband >> is out fishing in that?' >> >> And then the fight started ... >> >> ********************************************************************** >> >> A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. >> >> Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. >> >> The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man >> 'OMG That must be my husband!' >> >> So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the > window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. >> >> A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and >> screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' >> >> The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' >> >> And then the fight started..... >> ********************************************************************** >> >> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. >> >> Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. >> >> I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold > cream. >> >> And then the fight started.... >> ********************************************************************** >> A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. >> >> She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. >> >> I really need you to pay me a compliment.' >> >> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' >> >> And then the fight started..... >> ********************************************************************** >> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my >> order first. >> >> "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." >> >> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" >> >> Nah, she can order for herself." >> >> And then the fight started... >> ********************************************************************** >> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I >> kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a >> nearby table. >> >> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' >> >> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to >> drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she >> hasn't been sober since.' >> >> 'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on >> celebrating that long?' >> >> And then the fight started... >> ********************************************************************** >> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for >> Social Security. >> >> The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to >> verify my age. >> >> I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. >> >> I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home >> and come back later. >> >> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing >> my curly silver hair. >> >> She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and >> she processed my Social Security application. >> >> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the >> Social Security office. >> >> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten >> disability, too.' >> >> And then the fight started... >> ********************************************************************** >> When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace >> expensive... so, I took her to a gas station. >> >> And then the fight started... >> ********************************************************************** >> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming >> anniversary. >> >> She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 > seconds. >> >> I bought her a scale. >> >> And then the fight started... >> ********************************************************************** >> My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. >> >> She asked, 'What's on TV?' >> >> I said, 'Dust. >> >> And then the fight started...

CANNON BALLS!!! DID YOU KNOW THIS? I DIDN'T... It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys. Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, you thought that was just a vulgar expression, didn't you?

Not long ago, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods of East Texas, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", and "Glory"! I preached and preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years."