FREYJA married 2 NitroFish's blog: "Funnies"

Jesus  and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.


 
Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'


 
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed  away.


 
They moused.   They faxed.   They e-mailed.  
They e-mailed with attachments.  
They downloaded.   They did spreadsheets!  
They wrote reports..  They created labels and cards.


They created charts and graphs.


 
They did some genealogy reports.
 
They did every job known to man.


 
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.


 
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.


 
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.


 
Jesus  just sighed.


 
Finally  the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:


 
'It's  gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'


Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.


Satan observed this and became irate.


'Wait!'  he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'


  God  just shrugged and said,

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good  Dog.  


 1.  I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

 2.  I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs,  etc., just because I like the way they smell.  

 3.  The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.  

 4.  The sofa is not a 'face towel'.  

 5.  The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff..  

 6.  I  will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.  

 7.  Sticking my nose into a human's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.  

 8.  I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table .  

 9.  I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

10.  I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my  butt.  

11.  I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.  

12.  The  cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.  

Rec'd these at work...omg laughin my azz off !

Random Thoughts of the Day:

• I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

• More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

• I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

• Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

• I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

• The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

• Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

• There is a great need for sarcasm font.

• Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.

• I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

• How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

• I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

• I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

• The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

• A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

• Was learning cursive really necessary?

• Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

• I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

• Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

• My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

• Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

• How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

• I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

• While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it....thanks Mario Kart.

• MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

• Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

• I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

• Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

• I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

• Bad decisions make good stories

• Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

• If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

• Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....

• You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

• Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

• There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

• I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

• "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

• I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

• While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

• I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

• I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

• When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

• I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

• Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

• As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

• Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

• It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

• I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

• I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

• Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

• Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

• My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the h*ll do I respond to that?

• It really pi$$es me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

• I wonder if cops ever get pi$$ed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

• I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

• I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

• The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.

Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the

doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris
asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so
they make love.

About 6 hours later, the
husband goes to his wife and says,

'Honey, you know I now have
only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one
more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees,
and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into
bed, he looks at his watch

and realizes that he now has
only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's
shoulder and asks,

'Honey, please... just one
more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,'
and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife
rolls over and falls to sleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending death,

tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.

Do you think we
could...'

At this point the wife sits
up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough

I have to get up in the morning... you don't.' 

Manure.... An interesting fact 


Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. 


It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas... As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. 
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! 



Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening 

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. 



Thus evolved the term 'S.H.I.T', (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. 

You probably did not know the true history of this word. 
Neither did I. 
I had always thought it was a golf term.

 

 

The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , Where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men
increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. .  .. You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the  building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to  find a husband. .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1  - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2  - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The  third floor sign reads:

Floor 3  - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good  looking.

'Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She  goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4  - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are drop-dead good looking  and help with the housework.

 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5  - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help  with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
  
Floor 6  - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your s tep as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

New Flavor Icecream!!

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. 

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got     worried.  However, since the only time theyEver got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. 

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold!--there sat Bill!  Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in       the world happened to you?"   Bill replied, "I have been in jail."  

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"  

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"   "Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"  "Well, one       day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 Years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty' and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."