226347's blog: "Fuck This & YOU!"

I dont understand why this happened to me. I mean was I such a terrible person that God decided to take the one person who truly loved me for me away? Kyle was such an amazing person and he loved me no matter what I did wrong, no matter how bad we hurt each other we stuck it out. I never imagined in a million years this is the way things would have turned out ya know. I know that I should take the ring off of my wedding ring finger and try to get through this but I can't. Everyone keeps saying to get over it, but you don't get over something like this, you have to try your hardest to get through it! I'm not even doing that very well. I was walking through the store the other day and I smelled his cologne and I lost it. I completely fucking broke down in the middle of the store! It's been 10 months. 10 fucking months tomorrow! I can still remember the pain of when it first happened. I'll never forget it. I just wish I could though, I wish I could forget how bad it hurt and maybe let myself care about someone! I deserve to be happy, I know I do but I won't let myself because HE took his own life. I know that I will always love him, but why damn it why! It's not that I dont want to love him, I just want to love him with him being here. I dont want to love his memory, I dont want him to only exist in my dreams, I can't sleep enough for that. I have to look at my little girl EVERYDAY and know that she will never get to know her dad and that he will never get to know her! It just isn't fucking fair!! Not even just for me but for KyLeigh. Why does she get punished and not get to know her dad? She never did anything..hell she wasn't even born yet. Why did God do this! My poor daughter has to go her whole life not knowing what a wonderful person Kyle is.. well was!!

The End // Fuck This Current mood: aggravated I sit here for hours staring at this screen not even realizing that I'm doing it. It seems the colder it gets the more it reminds me that hes gone. Its been almost a year. Almost a whole fucking year, I can't believe it. It seems like it was just yesturday. I keep burrying my thoughts deeper and deeper. Trying to forget the pain that has consumed my entire body for the past 10 months or so. Trying to remember what I felt like before he died. Remember how happy we were but that only seems to make the pain worse. Nothing has seesed to make it better. He's gone and it's my fault. Everyone says the understand but I honestly think they dont. How could they understand. They aren't going through what I am going through. I just want it to be over. I want it all to be gone. I dont want to forget Kyle just the pain that he has caused. I dont think its possiblebut I pray everyday it is. I loved him with everything I have to love, and I ruined it. I drove the best thing to ever happen to me to suicide. How much of an idiot am I really. I'll never find someone who will love me like he did. I will never find anyone to make me as happy as he did. Even our bad times we were so much in love they didnt matter. All the fights, arguments, stupid shit. We stuck it out. If only I would of stayed at his hosue that day. If only I would of just said NO KELLY I'M STAYING. My baby would be here. We could of worked things out and he could be here with me and I wouldn't be writing this. I get so pissed off to watch everyone else with their happy little relationships..and its not fair. I hate life for that. So I just go with the flow, hoping things will someday get better. Hopefully. Everyone tells me it will and I try my hardest to believe what they say but throughout my whole llife when ever I am happy it gets ripped away from me. It's Gods evil plan to see how far he can push me before I too snap and do the inevitable. There are times where I just miss him so much I dont want to do anything but lay in bed and cry.