a calming wind's blog: "frustrated"

today was kinda rough. you see, there was one last piece of paper that needed to be signed by me to finalize the divorce. it's the one that says i waive my right to appear in court. i guess sub-conciously i was holding on to it because to me that paper represents finality. i wanted to sign it when i had complete closure. i wanted to shut the book so to speak. but because my ex is ready to shut the book now, i had to get to a notary and get it mailed off. what sucks is i don't have near as much emotional closure as i thought i would by now. there's still a lot of hurt that i'm having trouble letting go of. it's more the kind that feels like when i remember something good from our relationship, that it was most likely a lie. i can't even picture our wedding day anymore without tearing up and thinking that he had done something weeks before. i also miss that peaceful feeling i felt on that day. not necessarily him. i don't know. i felt horrible earlier...but as the night has progressed, i've began to feel a bit of life in me again. maybe that paper was what i needed to start to let go of the pain and the past. i know that's going to take a while. thankfully, i have God, my family, and my friends to get me through it. i know that i'm going to be okay. it just takes a little time sometimes. breathe jen. i'm going to be okay because God is looking out for me. i'm so thankful for that. here's to peaceful wishing!

so i'm really frustrated. i am going through a nice little divorce right now and it's not staying as nice as we agreed it would be. i'm having a lot of mixed emotions about how to handle everything. i never believed in divorce growing up. as each day passes, i'm more and more thankful i am not with him anymore though. he and i have a long complicated history. we met at 16, started dating at 18, were engaged by 19, and did long distance during college, seeing each other once a month until we were married at 21. i thought it would be forever. i thought i knew everything there was to know. boy was i wrong. i understand that everyone has their little secrets. we all screw up. it's when the screwing up is habitual and there are lies that follow that i start to get upset... anyway to make a long story short, we both screwed up. we were very incompatible and it just got worse over the years. i ended up cheating on him. i don't know. i was trying to fill a void, it was stupid. i didn't tell him for about a year. it ate away at me every day from the time it happend until i told him. finally i told him and it turns out, he had cheated on me long before. basically, i did my shit when things were bad. he did his shit when things were good. i'm talking, 2 weeks before our wedding, he was sleeping around. getting past the social acceptance of fear of commitment, i want everyone to understand something...it's the way we react to things that determine a lot of where our true character stands. i just about went into a severe depression with my crap. i thought about it everyday. when i asked him how often he thought about what he had done, he replied "once every month or so...it's more of a notch in the belt than anything...i hold it's importance/value right up there with porn, not really a big deal". i saw a big problem with this. anyway. going off on my tanget. told you it was complicated. back to what's really frustrating me. i'm recently coming to find out that he has a lot more secrets that have to do with perversion than i'd like to adknowledge. i'm just beginning to skim the surface on this other personality of his. my pride is hurt. i have no idea to who i was married to and with for so long. i thought i did. he has a new girlfriend now and we just split in november. granted, i'm okay with him moving on...it's just that he swears up and down that he's changing for the better and that he's being honest with her about all his crap...i told him she must be something special if he can change for the better in 8 days with her and couldn't do it in 6 years with me. yet tonight i read his latest blog. it's a simple yes/no questionare. i found quite a few answers to be fabricated. he said yes to the being cheated on and no to the cheating. there were a few other things i don't even want to go into. i'm just writing this to vent. what's the deal with this good guy to the world image anyway? at least i'll admit i fucked up. the only people who don't know are my parents. it would crush them..but at the same time, i extend the same courtesy of not mentioning my ex's crap to them either. i like to keep things even. just so frustrated. why am i still holding on to all this?