SickMentalGirl's blog: "FROM THE MIND OF KALE"

Charlie is a boy, that lives in a box. Tucked far away collecting dust in a small corner in the dark.

Once in a while I can hear Charlie sing. His voice is magical, demonic even.

Anything that goes bump in the night I know it's him. That little scratch in the wall. Creaking floors. That's him trying to get out.

I can't let him out, it's too dangerous. He's been out before. Caused a lot of trouble. Everyone blamed me but it was him. He was the reason why.  He's not a normal boy. He craves not toys, he craves not love. He craves chaos, destruction and hate. Everything that I was Charlie wanted more. He'd pick at me. Torture me, tease me relentlessly. He was the one who told me what to do. He even said no one would believe me. And he was right. No one did believe me. No one could ever imagine that for once he would be real. No matter how much I cried out. No one listened. Charlie was laughing at me, circling me and pointing his finger at me. Chanting "they will never know, they will never know" so close to my ear, he stopped tilted my head and whispered deeply saying " THEY.......WILL.......NEEEEEEEVER.......KNNNNNNNNNOOOOW". Those words haunted me. Day after day, night after night. He would watch me, and I could feel him watching me.  The nights that I wasn't alone. I wanted so much to tell them what was going on, but something stopped me every time.  I could feel his smirky smile in the darkness. Knowing he won each and every time. He would get in my head and make me feel like I was the useless thing in the world,  and that I was weak and couldn't fight him. He destroyed everything that was good inside of me. It was overnight, boom I transformed into a different person. A person who was cold, numb and angry. I saw Charlie frequently in those days. I'd often spend most of my time with him. Devouring our conquests. And celebrating, raising a glass to the cold hearted ways of our new life.  There was this special ritual we would do together, only for us.  Taking those steps, trusting how each event unfolded. Learning our limits and thresholds. It was Charlie who taught me to do it the right way. And for them to never show, keep them hidden but be proud of them. And to never be ashamed for doing it. I never was. Charlie pushed me a lot. Charlie always knew how to hurt me. Saying the wrong things and turn the whole thing  around, so it made me feel like I was the worse one. He was very good at that. Of course it worked every time, because I'd cry about it. I'd have no one to turn to because Charlie wouldn't have that. He hated me having friends.  So most times I gave in. I gave up a lot of things for him. I fucking hated him. I wanted him to die. At this point in my life I really didn't have anyone, I ran my mouth off way too many times, I don't blame them either, I'd say some of the worst things and most of the time. it would be the opposite, I wanted to tell them how much I was hurting, how I couldn't do it alone, but what came out was insults and ungratefulness. I tried so many times to make amends but eventually no one wanted to hear me.  I came home from one of those apologies and here Charlie was sitting at the table waiting for me. Threw his cup at me, yelling at me, telling me it was too late and I couldn't do anything and that I was a useless bitch. He walked over to me, grabbing my shirt and throwing me against the wall. His fists were against my neck, it was hard to swallow. He could see the fear in my eyes. With his low, angry teeth clenched voice saying  "you can never leave me, I won't let you "

I was scared, I knew Charlie threats were real. I never did challenge him. He scared the fear into me. And I was stuck.

The more he got into my head the more I couldn't escape. Charlie knew that. Preyed on that. There were a few times where I would take too long to answer a question and I'd get back handed. Or I'd say the wrong thing the wrong way I'd get back handed.  And if he was really mad palm smacked. I don't know which hurt the most. My cheeks would be blood red after his episode. He hated when I cried, if I didn't stop crying in a certain time, he would hit me in the back of my head or pinch my arms. He took me a lot in those days. Without warning. Right there. Right then. Sometimes it would be over in seconds, sometimes hrs and it would hurt.  Hurt to the point where I'd bleed.  He didn't care. I would be trying to keep my legs crossed and he'd fight to keep them open, hitting me in the face so I would give up. It pains me to even say how many times I gave up and gave into him. Sometimes he would even share me, without hesitation, he would force me to do these things. I had no choice.  That night was the worse night of my life. There was a point where I didn't care if I died that night. The pain was too unbearable. I might as well have died that night. Even the noises echo still inside my head. I was never the same after that and I will never forget that night.

Continuously for I don't know how long. In those days I prayed for death. At least in death I would be free in some way. Away from him. But Charlie was evil, he would find a way, and he always did find me. I couldn't get away from him. He always knew where I was.  

I never loved him. As much as he forced me into a lot of things. I fucking hated him. But in reality I knew Charlie knew that. It's what made him stronger. How could I ever love anything as evil as him. Of all the shit he's done to me. I wish nothing but pain upon him.

That night, that one most memorable night. I fought. I fought hard and to the death. Charlie wanted to play. That night I openly offered myself to him. To let him do it anywhere. He was weary because I had not openly offered before. He stared into my eyes, searching for a truth, but found nothing and accepted. He turned around to get the "toys" I silently breathed a relief that he actually believed me.  I waited for him, positioned myself as usual. As our ritual was carried out. Afterwards he laid there quietly and satisfied. As my after, I often took a shower. Getting rid of all the guilt and dirtiness. I came back to him. Assumed my usual spot. Noticed he had fallen asleep. And that's when I tried to get away, I tried to pry that window open so bad and trying to do it quietly wasn't the best. Charlie had put duct tape over the window openings. I was cutting through it with a razor. I would have made it but the last sound snip awoke him. And he was pissed, yelling and grabbing my arms, smacking me in the face. I fought back by kicking and scratching at his face and screaming as loud as I could. Charlie was shocked, you could see it in his face, but as now filling up with anger and hate and disappointment. I scratched the inside of his ear. Which made him furious but he turned away for a few seconds, that amount of time gave me the opportunity to grab something to hit him with, I grabbed a plate and hit him in the head with it. He went down. I ran for my life, he grabbed my feet, tried to climb on top of me but I kept kicking.  I kicked him so hard his face started to bleed. I wasn't about to give up this time. I had enough. I wanted Charlie out of my life. I wanted to kill Charlie. Put him back where he was supposed to be. Dead and in hell.  I did get away, I survived. I threw away the remains. In his box he shall be. Every so often I can hear him in the distance. But I giggle now. Charlie is dead. 

Best article I could find that explains alot of ME. 

1. Be patient :Don’t expect her to feel comfortable with diving headfirst into anything even slightly resembling romance. Keep in mind, it’s probably taken her a great deal of contemplation and courage to even consider spending her time with you. And if she does appear comfortable responding to your first moves, it’s quite possible that she’s actually terrified of what you’ll think of her if she asks to slow things down. So, she just musters the strength to submit herself to the moment, only to spend all night feeling horrible about her dishonesty and inability to step on the brakes. This will freak her out enough to make her sever whatever ties were made and withdraw immediately—something she’s not afraid to do.

To avoid that, let things unfold at a pace that feels natural, which might be slower than what’s considered “normal.” Remember, she’s not used to this, and too much at once will surely send her over the edge. Showing sensitivity to her pace will let her know that she doesn’t have to fear being out of control, causing a miscommunication or feeling the pressure of time.

2. TALK:Because she spends so much of her time alone and in her head, this girl might be under the impression that her thoughts and opinions are a bit too intense for others. She rarely shares the things on her mind, as she fears that whatever’s in there is so deep and inquisitive that people will think it’s overdramatic, oddly philosophical or just plain weird. She values deep conversation, but feels that she can exercise this pleasure with relatively few people, if any at all.

So talk with her. Let her know that she can say what’s on her mind, and don’t be afraid of her ability to dissect every possible meaning of a theory she’s been hung up on for weeks. If she apologizes for rambling about it, tell her she doesn’t need to be sorry, she doesn’t need to suppress it. Make her feel that although she is certainly unique for having such thoughts, she isn’t crazy or abnormal.
Tell her it makes her all the more beautiful.

And then, give it right back to her. Be sure to engage in her contemplations just as much as you listen; she wants to hear your thoughts more than you realize.

3. Support her: Part of this girl’s struggle with letting herself be loved could be that she is relentlessly focused on her dreams and goals, so much so that she forgets to make room in her life for other things—like relationships. It’s not something she does intentionally, she’s just extremely determined to achieve whatever she has set out to do.
If she is forced to make a choice between a love life and her goals, she’s already chosen the latter. So don’t make her choose.

And certainly don’t make her feel guilty for not spending more of her time with you as a result—she’ll take that as another sign that she needs to sever the ties, even if they’re stronger at this point.

Instead, support her. If you really love this girl and she really loves you, then she’ll welcome the encouragement. She’ll want to support you, too. Let her; with a heart as passionate as hers, you’ll want her on your team.

4. Don’t be two halves of a whole, be two wholes that make an even greater whole.: Remember that this “Miss Independent” is just that—an independent chick with an ability to fend for herself. She might even be afraid of relying on others, no matter how much she trusts them.

Therefore, don’t think of a relationship with her as one that joins two halves together to make a whole; she won’t treat it as such, and she definitely won’t feel comfortable if you do. Rather, see it as two wholes becoming an even greater whole—two individuals who love each other enough to respect the other’s independence and uniqueness.

This includes honoring her need for alone time. She realizes that you are a person with or without her and asks that you see her in the same way. Being able to spend time apart is important to her; she doesn’t want to rely on your presence, nor does she want you to rely on hers.

Don’t try to spend every hour of every day with her unless you want her to feel so bombarded that she tailspins into a mess of tears, word vomit and utter confusion, ending with her breaking it off and swearing to never interact with another human ever again.

But when you are together, be together. Completely. Let her know she is loved until she begins to understand what that feels like, and then keep doing it. If it’s right, she’ll come around. And because she’s loyal by nature, she’ll stick around, too (so don’t give her any reason to think that you won’t).

Truly, this girl has a lot of love to give, even if she’s a bit awkward in showing it at first. She just needs time—time to figure things out for herself, to better understand how this works.
Let her figure out that deep down, she just wants to love and be loved—just like everyone else.

If she happens to let you close enough to love her, take it seriously. It means she’s trying. It means she wants to love you. And remember that helping her learn how to be loved in return is the surest way to win her heart.

Crash boom bang .  that's what it felt like when I fell.   My knees buckle my heart drops. I can feel goose bumps rising through my skin.  butterflies fluttering furiously. Rapid breathing. It hit me like no other. Finding HIM, was nothing short from a miracle. I was searching for something different and there HE was.  From the moment I met HIM on this site called FUBAR. I wanted HIM. I wanted to be his.  I fell for him so fast and so hard. some would call him an asshole, some would say he was mean. but I know the truth.  He is someone who needs a second look at. Most  people would ignore that, toss him away, dismiss him. but I'm one to hear someone out, give them a chance, give them what they want.  In hopes that one day I will get what I want. a lot of people warned me about him, that just made me more curious, I never listened to them anyways. his name is LOTA. 

He wasn't the easiest at times, he had a lot of anger. Held up a lot of walls. Frustrated a lot. To say he never yells would be a lie.  Each time he opened his mouth toxic rage would fall out, piercing my heart. He said that he always wanted to get rid of me, but stubborn me kept coming back each and every time.  I was like a junkie and he was my drug. I think at one point I dared him to stay with me. 3 yrs of us  on and off again, but I'm sure he would argue 4yrs.   All of the fuck you's and fuck off's eventually paid off.  When I became his. how proud I feltbelonging to him. His property. His whore. To be everything he wanted. And to be available and attentive to his needs. and dare I say his love. I had always been loyal and faithful to him. He was the only one who controlled me.  I was his submissive slut.  Others had tried to own me but failed miserably.  
The moment he kissed me. Those butterflies came back and I was worse than ever being so ridiculously nervous. As he touched me. Goose bumps came. It was so electric. I've never had anyone make me feel like that. How he touched my face while kissing me. His hands around my neck, applying pressure where needed having him inside me sending my whole body trembling. We had our secrets, wants and desires. I loved him. All of him. I wanted to worship him. To go down on my knees for him. To love him with every fiber of my soul. 

But alas I broke. I fell apart and I gave up on US.  At the time I could give a lot of reasons why but as I write this. I choose not to dwell on the bad, and only remember the good.  I will always regret the choice I made.  Because I, or we can't go back.  And wishful thinking doesn't do anything.  He was amazing, he had his faults but so do I. I was broken for a long while. Heart broken by my own choice. I will never have that kind of love again.  I lost myself inside him, I forgot how that felt.  You know the saying don't know a good thing until you lose it?  Well I'm there.  I will never be the same,as when I was with LOTA.  He changed me.  Probably made me better. He will go down in my books as the greatest lover I've ever had. No one will or could fornicate as good as him. He is the epitome of what a real man should be, he's rough, yet soft and kind with ripped edges. To me he was perfect.

I want him, I want HIM.  But I can't have him. So what do you do??  How do you let go of something you can't have?   how Do you forget, someone who is so dangerously insecure yet so devilishly charming, he was so sexy in his own way, his anger like foreplay, his furiousness was the climax, don't get me wrong I hated it when he got angry with me. I wanted him to let go of it, see past all the other shit and see me as a person who loved him and was willing to go the extra mile for himI write him letters telling him how I'm feeling, sadly never replies. Just as well, sometimes I just don't want to know. I don't blame him. He will never know just how great he was and I will always regret losing what I realized what I wanted all along. 

This one still stings every time I read it or show it.  It's kinda comforting. Lol 

But hey whats pain without suffering.  

Why? You ask....I say that because it's what I feel.  What I believe is true.

Being beautiful makes me very lonely in the world.  Not knowing what people are saying are true. Or the manipulate you into thinking what your feeling is wrong. But it's half my fault too. I let these people do whatever. They ask me a favor and I do it  no questions asked. Do I do it to be nice?? YES!  Do I do it because I care?? YES. Do I do it to make them happy?? YES!   Will I ever ask anyone for anything in return?? NO!!

I've gone through my life making other people happy and in the end I usually get nothing in return. I'm fucking sick of it. I'm done doing shit for people. I'm done being nice and sweet.

I'm going fists up.  I know I'm pretty,cute and all that shit. I don't need a constant reminder about it. I'm nothing but a little toy to you and most so why would you care what I feel. Do everything I can to make you happy. Go out of my way to help you. And in the end I get fucked over. Dealing with your backlashes. Thinking to myself self why the fuck do I get myself into these situations.

 Why do I fucking care.  Well just to let you all know I  won't. I'm done. I won't believe anymore shit coming out of your mouth. Blame yourselfs. This isn't the work of one.  Many contributed to this. So congratulations!!

I will remain alone and bitter.  With much love and hate, your dearest Kale.

Ok!  So I've taken a few minutes. Came back and now I'm going to explain, lol shit, was I angry.  I'm not usually THAT bad.  Well I at least not anymore. I was very much angry most of my life. Fought alot with so many, most who didn't even know what the fuck was going on. I'd just get into these angry fits and who ever was around me would get the worst of it.

I've calmed down quite a bit over the years. Learned through therapy to let it out, write it down. Let it go because the more I hung on to it the worse it got.  So I do my thing, take a deep breath, close my eyes and slowing count to ten backwards and by the time I got to number one. I'd feel a lot better. Opened my eyes and ask myself "is this worth getting blown up about". And I'd slowly start to feel better.  That method works for me.  

Though I do fall back into complete fury  ha-ha ooops eh. Just all depends on what I'm pissed about.

What I wrote up there was just basically a snowball effect. One thing after another letting it all bunch up, and after one event that happened just made me feel the way I felt.

Hey I can be a bitch. Just like the next one, but for me. I said what I needed to say. I feel much better.

My hate is the most powerful thing I have. It's shown me just how fucking psychotic I can be. I've gone so far with it, I've physically hurt someone.  Luckily no charges came but it sure did scare the shit out of both of us.  But that was a very long time ago just after high school.

With me being a mother, I can't really I mean it doesn't feel right to be angry all the time, it would rub off on her thinking that's the way life is and I can't do that to her.  She is far too fucking precious to change her way of living her life.  It's kinda funny when I think about it. My daughter is why I don't lash out as much anymore. Sure I get moody and not happy but my daughter understands that. She helps me be more loving because she loves me and wants mommy to be happy too.

I can say now I'm not angry by nature. Over the years it's let me be a happy person. I've become peace within myself. I guess it was just a matter of looking in myself and see the kind of person I was, to the person I want to be.  So now that you've heard the other side. Thanks for listening. Your calming Kale. 

She came completely unannounced. What a  surprise and I was shocked.  I never in a million years thought that I, ME would ever become a mother.  

I had chances before but I knew back then it wasn't in the cards for me.  I accepted it.  But this time....it was going to be real.  I had wondered why I was so sick.  

Some even joked about me being pregnant. And after that day, I went to get a pregnancy test.  I peed on a stick and waiting 3 minutes.  And sure enough to my surprise I saw a plus sign.  And I didn't jump for joy, I didn't know what to do in that moment.  

Everything flashed before me and here I was faced with the most important decision of my life.  The only person I called was my good friend Amber. She was so excited when I told her.  I was also freaking out and didn't know what to tell my partner. But at the end of that day. Everything changed for me. And I began being happy.  I stopped everything,  drinking, smoking.  Eating better.

 Every so often I would touch my belly and have this most incredible feeling. There was life  growing in there. I was so amazed. I began to read every book on pregnancy. Flash forward to 6 months. Every time I had an ultrasound I could hear and feel her heart beat.  We knew we were having a girl.  And I knew right away what her name would be.  I loved being pregnant but at the same time I hated it.  I couldn't sleep or get in a comfortable position. My back always hurt, I couldn't be more than 5 ft from every toilet.

 My breasts were sore and already producing milk. The decision to breastfeed was without question. And it was the best decision I made.  Flash forward to the day my water broke.  I was alone, lying in bed resting. Then I had this sudden urge to pee and there in my bathroom, my water broke.  I knew what to expect, reading all those books. Kept me calm but when it happened I lost it.  I called my partner, called my mother in law and called my mother to let everyone one know i was going into labor.

  Standing there while all this water came out I started to feel contractions omg did they hurt. I remembered to breathe and get my stuff ready. Walking down those stairs hurt so bad. And water was still flowing out it was sooo gross. Driving to the hospital it felt like every bump we went over more and more water came out.

Finally we arrived at the hospital. They came and took me to a room hooked me up with all these wires, heart monitors for me and my baby. I lasted 3 hrs of real pain and trust me its a pain I will never forget.  Then I took the epidural. And I was in LA LA land.   At this time I was only 2 inches dilated. So it was a very long wait. My partner stayed with me throughout the night. Nurses kept checking on me  and it wasn't until morning that I found out I wasn't able to deliver vaginally. And I was scheduled for a c section.

I was very surprised at myself at how calm I was about everything. I've never had major surgery like that and was never awake before. So everything was so new to me. My operation was scheduled for 1pm. I was so hungry at the time but all I could eat was ice chips. They got me and my partner all prepped for the surgery and rolled me into the delivery room.  Set me up at the table ready to cut me open, Ben held my hand the whole time, told me stories to help me concentrate on him then rather what they were doing to me. They has this big light with reflections on it I asked them if they could move it because I could see it. And I didn't want to.

 The Dr told me I'd feel a big tug and pop.  And when she said that Vivica came out the Dr was holding her by her foot she cried they cleaned her up and gave her to me.  

In that moment, everything changed for me. Here I was holding the life I created and I cried, I cried so hard and so much I muttered to my partner "she's ours, she really is ours" they weighed her. She was 10lbs 3oz.   Then they rolled me into the recovery room.  Vivica took to my breasts very well.  I had no problems latching.  We bottle fed her too. It took a few days for my milk to come in. And boy when it did my breasts were huge.

I was kept in the hospital for 4 days. But every chance I got I held my baby girl.  I kissed her held her tight against my body. I was ready to be a mom.  Everything I did then, was all for her.  Having Vivvy changed me into a person. I didn't think I could be.

I was very selfish and mean, hateful and took from people without even a care in the world. I'd lie, scheme,everything,I was a bad person once.  

All of that didn't matter anymore. I had the most wonderful gift of all and I wasn't about to screw that up, I made a deal with myself. I vowed never to lie to her, to always tell her the truth about life. I'd show her things,tell her things. She was my life. I protected her. I gave her all my love and attention. I took care of her. Put HER first before anything, I didn't get much sleep but I didn't care, I'd be awake just to watch her sleep in my arms.

Touching her little toes and fingers. I can't express the proper words to describe how much I love her. It's the most incredible feeling in the world

And in turn she had given me a second chance to start over with the new beginning I had.  To make it right.  To show people that having her sent me into a different direction.  She's is now 6 and she is the most wonderful amazing little girl I always knew she could be. And I will always be grateful for her and what she's changed in me. 

The world is a little smaller yesterday, losing a good friend. He was reckless, wild, destructive. And the devil on my shoulder. 

He partied harder then the rest of us.  But he told the best amazingly funny stories.  

We had so much fun back in those days I met him just after highschool.  Him and his crew would hang out downtown Oshawa.

Begging peeps for cash even tho they weren't street kids lol.  He did alot of wild crazy things. Some were illegal some weren't but he was a good person .  he always had my back.

If I guy treated me horribly or say some dumb ass remark. He's punch them and would always say "leave my sister alone" lol

Even tho I wasn't. I could talk to him, say the most dumbest shit and we'd laugh get high, get drunk. 

The most funniest memory I have of him. Was when I lived in my apt with back then my bf.  (He was a dick).  One night we were drinking  we had a craving for bubbles but

we didn't have any. So we made some ...well alot lol.  We took dish soap and filled my bathtub and letting the water run so eventually the tub started to over flow and by

this time all the bubbles were everywhere.  It just kept going and going and everyone was playing  with bubbles . my bathroom was full.  Lmao

And then the bf came home and ruined our fun. Boy was he pissed  but when you think about it.  We didn't really do any damage and was easy to clean up lol

At one point all 4 of us looked like Santa clause lol.   That was a good day 

I also remember alot of talks on the rocks in front of my apartment.  More often than not  him and another friend would be sitting outside talking with me

cuz the bf and I were fighting  

He will be missed. I just wish we had kept in contact. After  I left Oshawa I rarely kept in touch with everyone. It was only a few handful that I did keep in touch with 

My friend would email me every so often. But I never went back to Oshawa   then after time passed I had Vivica and just were busy with life. 

Gawd just writing this reminds me soo much of other things.  The one thing that I will remember him saying to me is "Kale wow your a mommy now, you will be awesome at it"

He was right.  I became more of a decent person after I had her.   But that's another story :)

dripped in wetness

all of my body

the smell so metallic

running down my face

neck, breasts

licking lips

sticky, tacky

the warmth gets colder

my lust grows

i need more

i want more

there's never enough (in the world)

to get me off

july 2013

You were sleeping for the longest time, and then one day you woke up
I was there in front of your face, meeting you for the first time
We told each other our secrets no one else knew
Our secrets with safe with each other, I trusted you
I opened myself up to you; you’re the one I loved.
You are perfect in my eyes. I let you in, I showed you my world.
You changed me into something I didn’t think I could be.
All I wanted was to wrap you in my love that I hold for you
Keep you safe, to keep you forever.
You never gave me the chance to show you
To feel you. to kiss you, to smell you, and to love you forever.
You will never know just how much I could have loved you.
To give you all the things in the world, that you so much deserve.
I will step back, into my darkness, with my heart in my hands.
Love who you need to; be with the one you think you want.
Just know that I will be here. I will wait for you.
However long it takes. I know you will come back.
I know you will never read this, I don’t know if you even would
But I mean every single word of it. I LOVE YOU, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU
Till the day I hear that you don’t ever want to speak to me again.
You are forever in my heart. You are the one I would pick out of any of them.
No matter what the world challenges us, I would fight for you.
You are priceless, you are amazing. You are all I want in this life.

Xoxo

this is the one that got published, had to change the title LOVESICKPOEM but that is the orginal title ;)

Without you
When I met you were broken and weak, lost and unloved
My love for you grew each day and everyday
You changed me into a person that I didn’t think I could be
I will never be the same without you
Now I stand strong and begin to heal
But, I will always love you
I will always be by your side
You are perfect, you are amazing
You are free and without me
You made me see, you made me feel
Without you I will go on, I will stand by myself
I will never forget you
I will never stop loving you
You will always remain in my heart
I will never forget your face
I will never forget your smile
You brought light into my life
These things will never change
You made me feel like I was the center of your world
Then you took it away, you said I was worth living for
Now you’re gone with someone else
I must have been your stepping stone
Maybe you just used me, or maybe I wasn’t good enough
When you left me, you became strong, confident, happy and loved.

Written 2012.