ShadowMoon Rising's blog: "From the Mind of a Broken Heart"

The last few months have been really rough on me. I hate where I live, and the Person that I'm living with, & really not by choice, but for the simple fact I have no where else to go. I do everything around here that I would rather be doing the person that I'm actually In Love with. You would figure that the longer that I'm away from My Love the less I would Love him, but that's not the case. If anything I Love him even more. I miss the Touch of his hand on my skin, the feel of his Lips on mine, I miss looking into his Eyes & getting lost for hours. I miss being able to breath. What gets me the most is my 3 year old son. He misses his Daddy so much. Everyday when he has one of his play phone he talks to him all day. Every night when he goes to bed he swispers in my ear I Love Daddy. Now tell me that's not Heartbreaking. How do you tell a 3 year that he can't have the Daddy that he wants, because the Father that he has wants to be totally selfish, & only think about his Happiness?? I Honestly can't stand My Children's Father. His Touch makes my skin crawl, the Sound of his Voice makes me Deaf. I look into his Eyes, & all I see is a World that will either Drive me to the Nut House, or Kill Me. I try to escape, but then again he holds My Kids against. I mean yeah he works so that I can stay home, & take care of the kids, but I could do that with the Man I Love. He pays the Bills, & plays Spades all the time. It's not like we actually do anything as a Couple anymore anyway. The Things I do for the man I don't want, that I could be doing for the Man I Love. It's all in a Days Work. Mow, Weed Eat, & Rake the Yard Feed the Dogs Inside & Outside Take Out all the Trash Clean the Bathroom Clean the Kitchen Clean the Bedrooms Clean the Living Room Cook all Meals Give all Baths Wash & Fold All Clothes Dust everything all over the House *( I live in the Country on a dirt Road ) Fix All Plates & Serve Dinner Do all the Shopping Make all Phones Calls that are needed to be Made Deal with the Ex-wife for Visitation with My Kids Brother Handle the Phones for the other 2 Sons that have been in a lot of Trouble Recently Hand Out all Medications *( If I didn't then it would NEVER be Taken ) The one thing that I do know is that with the Man I'm in Love I would actually get some Help from him. I have learned one of the Most Important Lesson when it comes to Love & Realtionship. If it's 50 50 it ain't going to work. A one sided relationship is total Hell. Especially when there's Kids Involved.

Have u ever noticed when a man is being really pushy. Mine always complains about not getting enough sex but yet he gets it everyday. However if u ever say anything bout the way they make u feel they always find reasons 2 bitch. I understand that my man works @ least 12 hours a day but he doesn't understand that my day starts bout an hour b4 his & it doesn't end until after every1 is asleep. I mean I know that he does a lot of work but he has no idea what its like 2 b home alone w/ kids all day. The only conversation I really have is w/ 2 toddlers that doesn't know every word in the vocabulary. Plus I do all the cooking all day long, laundry, cleaning, & teaching 2 lil 1's how 2 be good kids. Then there's the times that have 2 take a kid 2 a doctors appointment but, it's not like that's an everyday thing. There r times when I can't wait until he goes 2 bed so I can have some & quite & relax a lil b4 goin 2 bed. I'm really thankful 4 everything that he does 4 our family but, he has 2 give the lowest payed employee her due. As long as I'm home we don't have 2 pay 4 a babysitter day & I'd rather raise my kids myself cuz then I know that its done right. I know that I asked 4 this life but sometimes he makes it impossible 2 express my feelings w/o turning them in2 an argument.