tbird68's blog: "Friends"

TEXAS: Ahem... So.. Um.. yeah... I read this, and thought I would reply... Hey... California listen up... Texas is where its at! - I too can wear sandals all year long... plus I can put on boots to stomp your toes and I won't even stick out. - You may be able to go to the "beach" instead of the "shore"... but can you go to the drive thru "Beer Barn?" What now surfer boy? - You're chicks aren't way hotter than ours... they are almost equal... and thats only due to silicone, saline, botox, lasers and hair dye... We have the real ones and they can beat yours up. - We're taught to say "Yes Sir" and "Yes Ma'am" and respect our elders because of it. We also say "Howdy" and "fixin" and "Yall" are pretty much recognized right away anywhere in the world We're famous. And not becuase of that fake ass "bro-ho" "so-cal" shit that yall think makes you "Famous", fuckers. - You may know what real cheese and avocados taste like... but I know what 100% Grade A Angus Beef tastes like. Who wants avocados and cheese when you can have steak and potatoes? - Haha... who do you think grows the weed and sells it to you? - Why roll 40 deep when something goes down if 5 corn fed country boys can get the job done... - I live next door to americans, but we call them mexicans - About your Porn.... 3 words... "Debbie Does Dallas"... You can brag about it now, but we started it - Why would you brag about not getting snow days off? - We're smart enought to know 65mph means 65, but our speed limit is 70. - - When someone cuts me off, they get run over by my big ass truck, then I give them the finger and tell them to go back to california. - The drinking age is 21, but if you aren't chasin the beer by 1 yr old... you're behind. - Yeah, Well my governor became the President of the United States... yours isn't even eligible. - You can go out at midnight? Thats nice, I haven't even come home by then. - Ok... you said,"You judge people based on what area code they live in, and when asked where you're from, you give your area code" and as hard as I try I have no idea what you're talking about... I think you're watching too much tv. - Yeah, you'll definitely get looked at funny when you come to visit but we have another name for you pretty boys, and its not greek, its french. - Of course you don't stop at stop signs... none of you can drive. - You can pick up Real mexican food 24 hours a day huh... well I can swing by home depot and pick up 24 Real mexicans anytime of day. Can you say catering? - All the tv shows get filmed there... but where does your favorite poker game come from? Texas Hold'em anyone? - You can keep your golden state... We're the Lone Star State...the one and only!! - Do I have to remind you about the drive thru Beer Barn again? Does In-N-Out serve alcohol? (Oh and did I mention Dr. Pepper was created in Texas?) Besides who wants In-N-Out when you can have WHATABURGER - You guys have the best athletes huh?... Eight words... Lance Armstrong and The University of Texas at Austin -Every thing's bigger in TEXAS Though I could mention MICHAEL JOHNSON - Olympic Sprinter, World record holder in 200m and 400m, 5 Olympic Gold medals, 9 time World Champion (born Dallas, Tx) Oh and remind me again who won the Rose Bowl between USC and Texas????? I believe it was the LONGHORNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Football is a religion, not a sport - In Texas, football means football, not soccer. - 90% of football "movies" you guys are making are about Texas Football. -Varsity Blues, filmed in Georgetown, Tx - Friday Night Lights, filmed in Odessa, Tx - Necessary Roughness, filmed in San Marcos, Texas; We Are Marshall- Marshall, Tx, - Texas is the only state that can still separate to become its own country. The only way California's gonna accomplish that is if another earthquake comes along and you guys sink into the ocean. Can you say Atlantis.... hahaha Come on Texans Show Your Colors! Repost! And as the Great Sam Houston once said "Texas could survive without the United States, but the United States could not survive without Texas" IF YOU'RE TEXAN N PROUD, repost as Bitch I'm from Texas!!!

> Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss > But I only slept with you because I was pissed. > > I thought that I could love no other > Until, that is, I met your brother > > Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. > But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the > Sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head. > > Of loving beauty you float with grace > If only you could hide your face > > Kind, intelligent, loving, and hot > This describes everything you are not > > I want to feel your sweet embrace > But don't take that paper bag off of your face > > I love your smile, your face, and your eyes- > Damn, I'm good at telling lies! > > My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: > Marrying you has screwed up my life > > I see your face when I am dreaming > That's why I always wake up screaming > > My love you take my breath away > What have you stepped in to smell this way? > > My feelings for you no words can tell > Except for maybe "go to hell" > > What inspired this amorous rhyme? > Two parts vodka, one part lime.

deer santa: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those? Santa Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. Santa Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam. Santa Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend , Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Santa P.S. Tell your mom she got the part. Long Dong Claus Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa Dear Santa , I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again. Santa Dearest Santa , We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough. "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

A Russian is strolling down an empty street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle appears a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." So the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want. So make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. It looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. It smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted! The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink. It is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. Amazed, it is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple happily drink until the sun comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle!"

Cake or Bed A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW. HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK. I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS. HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!! SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.................................... HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE. HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE? SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed. 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache. 8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. 9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom. Thoughts for the day: If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance. Be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan. SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES.......... THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING .......BUT.......... THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS

have you ever: (x) smoked a cigarette (x) smoked a cigar (x) smoked pot () made out with a member of the same sex ()crashed a friend's car () stolen a car (x) been in love (x) been dumped (x) shoplifted () been fired (x)been in a fist fight (x) snuck out of parent's house (x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back (x) been arrested (x) made out with a stranger (x) gone on a blind date (x) lied to a friend (x) had a crush on a teacher (x) skipped school (x) slept with a co-worker () seen someone die (x) had a crush on one of your internet friends (x) been to Canada (x) been to Mexico (x) been on a plane (x) thrown up in a bar () purposely set a part of myself on fire (x) eaten Sushi () been snowboarding () met someone in person from the internet () been moshing at a concert () been in an abusive relationship (x) taken painkillers (x) love someone or miss someone right now (x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by (x) made a snow angel (x) had a tea party (x) flown a kite (x) built a sand castle (x)gone puddle jumping (x) played dress up (x) jumped into a pile of leaves (x) gone sledding (x) cheated while playing a game () been lonely (x) fallen asleep at work/school () used a fake id (x) watched the sun set () felt an earthquake- only in bed (x) touched a snake (x) slept beneath the stars (x) been tickled () been robbed (x) been misunderstood (x) pet a reindeer/goat () won a contest (x) run a red light () been suspended from school (x) been in a car accident () had braces (x) felt like an outcast () eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night (x) had deja vu () danced in the moonlight (x) hated the way you look (x) witnessed a crime () pole danced (x) questioned your heart () been obsessed with post-it notes (x) squished barefoot through the mud (x) been lost (x) been to the opposite side of the country (x) swam in the ocean (x) felt like dying () cried yourself to sleep (x) played cops and robbers - (x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers () sung karaoke (x) paid for a meal with only coins (x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't (x) made prank phone calls () laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose (x) caught a snowflake on your tongue () danced in the rain (x) written a letter to Santa Claus (x) been kissed under a mistletoe (x) watched the sun set with someone you care about (x) blown bubbles (x) made a bonfire on the beach (x) crashed a party (x) gone rollerskating (x) had a wish come true () worn pearls (x) jumped off a bridge () screamed penis in class () ate dog/cat food () told a complete stranger you loved them (x) kissed a mirror () sang in the shower (x) had a dream that you married someone (x) glued your hand to something () got your tongue stuck to a flag pole (x) kissed a fish (x) worn the opposite sexes clothes () been a cheerleader (x) sat on a roof top (x) screamed at the top of your lungs () done a one-handed cartwheel () talked on the phone for more than 6 hours (x) stayed up all night () didn't take a shower for a week (x) pick and ate an apple right off the tree (x) climbed a tree (x) had a tree house () is scared to watch scary movies alone (x) believe in ghosts () have more then 30 pairs of shoes () worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say () gone streaking () played ding-dong-dash (x) played chicken () been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on (x) been told you're hot by a complete stranger (x) been easily amused (x) caught a fish then ate it (x)caught a butterfly (x) laughed so hard you cried () cried so much you laughed (x) mooned/flashed someone (x) had someone moon/flash you (x) cheated on a test () have a Britney Spears CD (x) forgotten someone's name (x) slept naked () french braided someones hair (x) gone skinny dippin in a pool () been kicked out of your house (x) Done something illegal

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions,no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room,you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the instruction to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." >Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

The Darwin Awards are an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing himself or herself in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And the nominees this year, in reverse order, are: 7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister. 6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approximately 30" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was, for reasons unknown, inserted into his rectum and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward. 5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles. 4. A 22-year-old man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot high railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped, and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and ground.", Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma." 3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems he and a friend were playing a game of catch using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized. 2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition: lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon his operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers. AND THE WINNER.....(ouch....) 1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his balls in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's balls in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for him, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in his normal stance, and his balls were the weakest link. Sanchez's balls ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course. Note: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we allowed it.