I Love You, but I'm Not IN Love With You
Cliche Relationship Lines, when and why we use them
I love you, but I’m not in love with you. It was completely cliché, yet for some reason it was the perfect fit. I couldn’t think of any other way to describe how I felt to my boyfriend besides that. No, I wasn’t short on words. I could have gone on and on about how we were a good match, but I just felt like something was “missing.” I cared for him deeply, but I knew that he wasn’t going to be the one. For whatever reason, when it came time to come out with the truth, that’s how I said it.
Why is it that we fall back on these recycled phrases to explain our completely individual feelings? Is it that we’re familiar with the meaning of them, and therefore have a better idea of gauging our partner’s reaction? Or, do we just fall short when it comes time to saying what we really mean?
It all boils down to feelings. We might as well call it the f-word. People always seem to be split on this element of a relationship. You either can’t stop talking about your feelings or you never start. While one might help you express yourself, you risk taking over the relationship with every mood swing. On the other side, if you don’t express yourself you make your partner play guessing games. It seems the only balance that we can strike is a line or phrase that everyone knows like the back of their hand.
“Before you can share them with anyone, you have to figure out what feelings you have,” says Richard Kingsley, MD of KidsHealth.org. It’s one of those things that seems obvious, you know, a Homer Simpson “doh” moment, but when it comes to your real life...it’s not always easy. That’s why one-liners can be so fitting. You don’t really have to think about what’s going wrong or right in a relationship. You just have to say the words, and the pressure’s taken off the situation.
Avoidance. That’s what that is called. You don’t want to take responsibility for the repercussions of your words (or at least I didn’t—and that’s why I was willing to cough up someone else’s). But we all know that doesn’t help anything. “In any relationship, plenty goes unsaid,” says Suzanne Leonard or Psychology Today, “while this can smooth everyday life, it does have its downside.” According to a study conducted by Linda Vaden Gratch, Ph.D., silence in a relationship can mean two different things between a couple. On one side, “keeping a lid on things is a calculated measure,” says Gratch, this allows the silencer to “maintain power in a relationship--when they don't talk, their partner is left guessing.” Sounds familiar right? On the other side lies a shortcoming. “[These people] simply never picked up the vocabulary to express how they feel,” she says. Their silence is meant to keep the relationship close. If you never say what’s wrong, then nothing can be wrong.
My boyfriend’s response was predictable. He looked at me and knew exactly what I meant. I wanted out of our relationship, and I wanted it quick and painless. Of course, it was anything but. “That’s it?” he said, “You’re using that line on me? Thanks. I guess I’m not even worth an explanation.” I felt like shit. I knew he deserved more, but how else was I supposed to say “I care about you, but I think we should go our separate ways.” Even that felt like a line you’d use on someone. Suddenly, everything I felt and everything I wanted to say seemed false and fake.
It was me, and not him after all. It was my inability to say what I needed to say. But relationships are like that, especially at the end. You want to express how amazing everything’s been, but you have to refrain or else your partner will question why you’re breaking up with them. You want to say everything that’s not working, but you hold back because you don’t want to cause any more pain than necessary. You’re left in a rut. There’s really nowhere to turn. That is, except the line.
"The phrase 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you' really is this,” says Greg Behrendt,the "Sex and the City" writer and author of He's Just Not That Into You. “The first 'I love you' means, 'I don't want to hurt you,” he says; “the second one means, 'I'm not in love with you.' That's bad news.” So when you’re told this, or plan on telling someone this, know the truth behind what you’re saying. I spoke these words because I felt guilty for what I was doing. But I shouldn’t have. I was simply getting out of a relationship that wasn’t working anymore, and I took the easy way out—instead of owning up.
Communication. Communication. Communication. Whether you’re planning on keeping your relationship, or breaking free of it, honesty is the best policy. Sounds cliché, again, but this one actually works when it comes to serving yourself with the best end result. “Remember that communication is a two-way street,” says Lawrence Mitchell of AskMen.com, “It requires the proper delivery of a message, as well as an active listener to process it.” So when you’re working through the worst of it, it benefits you to speak your mind—clearly but compassionately.
Whether or not you choose to use a line, or have already, keep in mind that they don’t always receive the best response. Sure, it’s an easy way to sum up whatever it is that you’re trying to say, but there’s nothing wrong with taking your time to say what you feel. Yup, there’s that f-word again. Just remember this: In the end it doesn’t matter how you say it, just say what you mean, and mean what you say.
