Leosin's blog: "For the fallen"

Just FYI -

When you lose someone, especially before their time, the pain NEVER really goes away and it loves to pop up especially during the holidays.

I got what I wanted in 2009...kinda. No one died, but I lost 2 in 2010, Bleh.

So now I have only 1 grandparent and even though he's not blood, I consider him my grandfather in every sense still.

I really don't know how to approach him at this point. I know how it felt after my mother passed - every second I felt like I had been abandoned by those who were still alive because I literally didn't see anyone in my family for quite some time afterwards but I understand it now - grieving can turn your personality into a nasty thing and everyone needs time to cope but at this point I think I need to go visit the old man before too long.

Let me set the theme here: Lets go back 25 years (Mid 80's wtf) I was actually a cute kid at one point... I know right? Anyway my crotchity grandmother on my mothers side had met a guy and decided to bring him into the family. Lots of people were weary because well, she was not the best at picking men as seen with the 3 previous men in her life being drunks, pedophiles, or both (Sadly that sick motherfucker is still alive.) However with this guy came some surprising traits, one being he had a bum hip which caused him to limp and I coined him the inventor of the "Pimp-limp" and the pants sagging -which holds true to this day goddamnit. He also had this awesome style.... Imagine it, a 50+ year old guy in the mid 80's hauling ass around in a jet black Trans-am looking like an older Burt Reynolds! Yes, my grandfather was and still kinda is a Bandit knockoff (lol).

Anywhoo - even at a young age, I knew that this guy was genuine and was going to treat my grandmother the way she deserved for once. I opted even at an early time even before they were married to walk up to this guy and profoundly ask him if he woud mind being my full-on grandfather, not just the title by marriage. He smiled bigger than anyone I ever knew at that point in my life and replied "I would be honored to."

He still tells me that story all the time with the same big grin.

Mom, Grandma x2, Darren, Cindy, Charlene, Kelly, Joe, Wes - I fucking miss you all so much.

"When you lose someone, you don't lose all of them.

You lose them piece by piece.

First their mail stops coming,

then the scent of them fades little by little.

You never really lose someone completely though,

for they will always be in your memories

and have their own special place in your heart."

I don't know who wrote this, but it doesn't really matter.

I've kept this little piece of paper with these words on it with me at all times since my mother's funeral. Truth be told, I can't even remember who gave it to me.

In some little way though, reading it does help to dull the pain.