***DISCLAIMER***
White women from Nutbush and the ghetto and certain trailer parks...are eligible with a waiver.....
anyways....
so I talk about being Cuban alot.......
So ya'll know who Oshun is, right?
(probably dont....but since so many white people are studying african american history these days i figured Id take a stab in the dark)
And if you say anything about that poem in the love jones movie, I'll slap you with a bag of pipe cleaners! (then again only the white chicks with the J lo booties even know what the movie love jones was)
anyway....
Oshun is a goddess in the religion of Yoruba — which most of us would probably still believe in had it not been for the slave trade and "missionaries."
Anyway......Oshun kinda represents all that is unique and beautiful about femininity and the joy of being a woman.......She is loving and kind and hard-working........ And when you piss her off, she has a temper that would make Tony Soprano say, "Well gotdayum!"
Yoruba women look to Oshun for strength....... For hope...... For opportunity........ And not just Yoruba women in Africa and beyond.......but also women in the Caribbean and South America who believe in the Santeria and Candomble Ketu. (thats Hoo Doo/Voo Doo speak.....but ya'll gots the internets....look it up)
In America, women worship her too. Well kinda….
….they call her Oprah.
Now before ya'll start cringing, this is not a post slamming Oprah!
If you didnt know..... one of my resolutions is to no longer automatically assume the gayness of any male who admits to watching her show...... I like Oprah....well not really, but.....I can respect some of her steelo......however, I can't stomach all that estrogen on a daily basis, but I admit to enjoying quite a few shows last year.
She had some very informative ones on budgeting and health...... And I must admit that I liked the whole Oprah and Gayle's Big Adventure following their drive across country....... However, I will also admit — and this admission will serve as a testament to my manliness — that I mostly watched it to see Gayle's big ol' booty bouncin' around in different locales!
anyway....
Recently, Oprah opened up her leadership academy for girls in South Africa....... And I totally applaud this.......
Some would argue that she should've opened it up in the States in some inner-city instead of going to Africa....... But to that I say, when you get 40 million dollars to open up a school, you can open it wherever you want to.
Oprah wants to use her money in Africa??
Then Oprah gonna use her money in Africa!! And I love it. 'Nuff said.
But........ she is opening her academy just for girls!
And her school has salons and a yoga studio and all that!!
The boys don't get jack shyt but aspirations to one day be hired as a janitor or landscaper at the school!......I mean, that might not be all bad…. I would LOVE to own the landscaping business responsible for taking care of the grounds at LeMoyne Owen College!
I'd be on the job DAILY!....... Fugga weekend.
What shall the boys do Oprah?!?
Who shall teach the young, disenfranchised boys what they need to know?!?
Who will found their leadership academy!??!
Heh heh…. I can see the smirk on your face! You KNOW where I'm going with this!
ME!! Of course!! Who better than good ol' Kav-Boogie to found a leadership academy for boys?!??!
NO ONE DAMMIT!!
But I got some rules that they'll all have to abide by….
… and save all your *sighs* and *groans* and the rolling of the eyes accompanied by "Oh Lawd! Here we go!"
This is Kaviar, baby! You knew what you were getting when you came here! LOL!!!
anyways....
The Five Unassailable Rules for the Kaviar Lewis Leadership Academy for Boys an' Shyt
* Mandatory Girlfriends*
That's right. Mandatory girlfriends.
When boys are away from their parents, they lose their damn minds and act like they ain't got no sense.
Mandatory girlfriends would serve as the "check" for each of these dudes.
Whereas momma and daddy would yell and give you grief… the girlfriend will…. well… yell and give you grief.
These boys will do shyt just to shut that girl up!
Not only will things get done thanks to the incredible nagging abilities of young women, but it will also prep these boys for marriage.
Oh yes!! At the Kaviar Lewis Leadership Academy, we teach boys how to cope with women in marriage as well.
Not only will you get a diploma, but also a head start on a nagging azz wife for the next 50 years!!
In actuality.....from personal experience.....I always got my best grades when I was in a relationship… even if short-term.
A relationship is like a part-time job in college; it forces you to manage your time more wisely and discourages the azz-chasin that can detract from school work.
Nothing says Dean's List like guaranteed coochie!! (say word)
* Corporal Punishment*
Oh, so you wanna be a class clown?......Oh, so you forgot to do your homework last night?....Oh, so you wanna act tough like you're Billy Bad Azz an' shyt?!?!
Take this wood, boy!
That's right...... I'm not talking that catholic school shyt where you get smacked on the palm with a ruler!
Ya'll know I pledged a Black fraternity right.....(we are again in the national news for hazing some kid down if Florida)
I'm talking about, "Deontay…or in this case....Lil Barack..... get yo' lil' azz up here and get in the cut!
I'm only swingin' this paddle on you because it helps get my point across.
And since your ears appear to be broke, we'll see how well your behind works!"
Dude, I would be straight lumberjackin all up in that joint!
Boys full of testosterone don't understand yelling and timeouts and grounding.
They DO understand that a paddle will change your perspective on life.
Your mamma knows it.....Your grandma knows it.
When you were little, they went and got a switch made of what??........ Wood.
And that wood, in the form of a switch, taught you what your little hard head couldn't comprehend through a lecture or a threat.
From my personal experience........I can say that wood helped me recall things that I thought I'd forgotten....... Things like, oh I don't know… poems… history, maybe.
And it emblazoned a lesson into my azz that I was certain not to forget.
It has also helped sober me when I've have to much too drink but I still need to drive.
To hell with Sanka or Folgers… wood is the great soberizer.
*Man-Shyt*
Saturday mornings?........ Oh, they'll be no sleeping in.
Your azz will be up at the crack of dawn and out in the sun.
Raking leaves...... Mowing grass....... Painting...... Shoveling snow........ Chopping wood....... Whatever!
But you will be outside doing shyt that men do.
Changing tires and oil........ Don't matter homey!
Weekend mornings are for work......... You will learn all the skills needed to maintain a household........ What kind of damn men would I be making if they have to call the damn plumber just to reignite the dayum pilot under the water heater!!
If you get a flat and have to call AAA?!?!....... You might as well sit down to piss from that moment forward.
Use the stall, Negro… these urinals are for men!
I HATED waking up Saturday mornings while everyone else slept and having to mow the lawn....... While the other boys were playing basketball or Nintendo, I was out mowing the lawn...... And my daddy didn't have one of those mowers that caught the grass........ I had to mow it......then go back and rake all the grass up......and then bag the grass......and have it ready to take to the dump....... Weekly!
And that is a 3-4 hour ordeal with the size yard we had!
It built character....... But most of all..... when I buy my house.....I will know how to care for the lawn as well as the other things he had me do.
I am STILL amazed at the number of GROWN AZZ people who don't know when or how to put out trash.
Not the boys from my school.
* Barbershop Day*
Not only will this day..... to be held Sunday afternoons after church when football and/or basketball is on.....ensure that the boys are properly groomed......but it will also be a time of male bonding and socializing.
They will surely get their cut lined up...... but they will also be taught about proper cologne sprayage techniques.....proper care of your nails without the gayness...... and basically proper grooming.
In addition........it will teach them that Black men can come together and discuss issues from politics to sports to women in a setting with no animosity or posturing.
Basically, it will be the barbershop....... And then some.
They will also acquire the taste for beer here...... because you really can't bond with men over sports if beer ain't your thing.
You will learn that drinks of bright colors and umbrellas are forbidden.
You will learn that jokes about women are acceptable, but jokes about a man's woman are NOT.
You will learn the boundaries about which women are and are not off-limits.
You will learn how to socialize… how to function… not only amongst Black men, but among men in general.
In other words you will learn how to "wear the mask" and how to talk jive.
It was in the barbershop at the age of about 9 when I listened to three old men ridicule a young twenty-something dude for having un-kept and dirty fingernails.
If he had just gotten off a construction job, they would have left him alone.
Dude was in a suit....... That's the first time I really realized that it was cool to be clean........ Prior to that, I was a dirty little boy who loved nothing better than to skip a shower!
LOL......... The barbershop teaches so, so very much. And the academy needs it!
and lastly…
* Happy Sock*
While I could just put a little "soft peter" in the food to ensure the boy's libido's stay in check...... I have a much better solution.
The last thing I need in my academy is a bunch of testosterone charged young men with no release.
That breeds signifying and fights and macho competitions where muhfukkas get hurt.
The solution?....... A Happy Sock.
"Kavi, what in the hell??....... What is a happy sock??"
A happy sock is a sock that… umm… "makes you happy." LOL
It can be used for some chicken choking… some salami slapping… money spanking… some bating of the master, if you will.
And you use the sock because it makes clean-up a flash!! LOL
It will be mandated that at a minimum of three days a week, a "deposit" shall be made into your personal happy sock.
When was the last time a freshly-came Negro wanted to start a fight??
I'll tell you when… 15 minutes past Nebba Ebba.
They will sleep more soundly.
They will work up healthy appetites to build strong muscles and bones.
And most importantly, they will unblue all the balls caused by the mandatory girlfriends.
*sigh* I'm so brilliant, it hurts......LOL
Ya know, Like I said...I pledged a Black fraternity....draped in the colors of Krimson and Kreme....simplified to the holy Yoruba colors of red and white.
(Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity Incorporate, Stand Up!!!)
And I love a woman who can cook......and one that can cook better than me......and Im pretty damn spectacular in the kitchen.....
And born to a woman of strength and character....with many Similarities to a particular Yoruba goddess!
And naturally so.......because if Oprah is Oshun… I'm surely the American Negroization of the Yoruba Orisha Shango.....
But you can call me Kav.
Send me your poor, your hungry, your downtrodden boys today!! ( No brokeback Michael Jackson)
Screw DeVry!!
The Kaviar Lewis Leadership Academy for Boys (aka the K LAB) will turn your little juvenile delinquent into a grown azz man...
so mote it be....
