Clemson Chick's blog: "poems"

Fix you My heart has been broken Worse than anytime before The pain is overwhelming Too much for me to ignore It seems the more you love The further you have to fall I believed we had everything Then we went and lost it all I wanted for us to work I believed that we could So many mistakes we made It hurts more than it should I know that you suffered Losing your kids was the worst I could not make it better Even when I tried to put you first When your father died Another bruise on your heart It seems your life meant pain Right from the very start How could I possibly save you From 35 years of damaging distress Especially when your memories Meant anger and hate you did possess When you raised your hand to me I told myself that it was not your fault If only I had done more I thought I could have avoided the assault You spat in my face more than once To me that is worse then being hit You needed more than I could give I was finally forced to admit If I thought that my love alone Could bring you out of your past Then I would still be willing Because I wanted for us to last I reminisce about that night When we drunk vodka by the beach Starring up at the starry sky I felt that happiness was within reach We talked about everything As we sat on the grass facing each other I swear right at that moment I knew I would never love another My grey bear that you bought sleeps by my side To remind me of how much you use to care It does not matter to me that you broke it Just that you loved me enough to repair I know I have not always been true I learned from you how to cover myself with lies, I worried that you might leave me If I let you see past my disguise I knew that you were fragile And I feared that you might break In the end trying to protect you Meant I made more than one mistake It was not until I was in too deep That I realized I was making it worse I wanted to make it all better But I knew I could not reverse I started to live in fear of you Knowing that you could hurt me Terrified you might lash out This is not how I want it to be I don't know what to do anymore It seems like we cannot be together We wind each other up so much I cannot face this stormy weather I want to protect my child Avoiding stress is the only way Especially while I am pregnant I cannot go through this every day I have never experienced such anger As the times when I fought with you It seems no matter how much I tried There was nothing that I could do You pull me up on everything I never can do anything right I feel really downtrodden now I just do not have it in me to fight I wish I could take your pain away Kiss away all of your falling tears Take you in my arms at night And erase all of those painful years I use to pray that I could make a difference Be the one to fix your broken wings Show you the true meaning of love And all the happiness and joy it brings My shrink wanted me to write what I was feeling about my husband, so I wrote this on October 17, 2006 @ 11:23 PM.