Mattchu's blog: "Finding Someone"

Well for the most part there are a few of you in my friends list that seem to already know what's going on with me and my current/past situation. Then again there are many of you that do not know. To bring you up to speed if you would like to know, here it is in a nut shell. Back in August of this year in 2008' I met a women. A women who I thought at the time was the most amazing wonderful and beautiful person that I had and ever will meet. Things were going so well for us, even with taking in her child into my own life and treating her as if she was my own. Everything was all good and we were so happy together, all 3 of us as our own little family. We loved it so much that we had talked about getting married before she left for Iraq as a US Marine for 7 months. She was deployed on Sep 17th and left as planned to start her tour. So we decided to get married the week before she was due to leave. It wasn't just to get married either; marriage is a very serious thing and should not be taken lightly at all. Even though this was my second marriage and military marriage of opposite ways at that, there was something so different about all of it with the way it happened. With the way things were going we had no reason not to and every reason to do it. So we did it as we had planned on Sep 8th and then she left for Iraq on Sep 17th. The first few weeks everything was going great. Then almost up to about a month into her being there I noticed a different side of her start to come out. The emails she was writing were getting shorter and shorter and the, I love you's, and I miss you's stopped altogether. Now at this point I'm thinking that she is already starting to have second thoughts, but then here it is a week later and she writes me saying "Matt, I'm not even sure that I want this anymore. Ofcorse I had then written back asking why, but the answer I got was more hurtful then any I had ever gotten my whole entire life. Saying that I'm selfish, self centered, to controlling, blah, blah, blah, etc. etc.. Well if that is what she truly believes then why did she bring me into her life the way she did? Why bring her daughter into it the way she did? And why did she act so happy when she was here with me. It just does not make sense. All that I did was show how much I cared and how much I loved her, and she claimed that it was suffocating her. Now is it just me or what, but how the hell can the person that you're supposed to be so in love with be suffocating you when you're practically on opposite sides of the world? But wait it gets even better, not only did she say those things but she deleted me from her myspace. Answer me this, who in their right mind would delete their husband/wife from myspace. Her excuse was that all the comments and everything was too much but I don't believe that for one second coming from the same person who left me comments saying I love you and miss you almost everyday before. So here in the past month it has been nothing but her telling me what kind of person I am. That I am irresponsible, that I have to much drama in my life and that she hates even calling me or writing me via email because she don't want to waste her time on my sorry ass. Considering the packages that I sent to her and she has yet to send anything back or ever consider to write back. I have no idea where this sudden change had come from and I probably will never figure it out. Due to the fact that I think she is just coming up with excuses as to not wanting to be with me. As of now we are going through the beginning of a separation and I am at the least proud to say that it is not because of me in doing something wrong, i.e. cheating, lying, etc... Well I will tell you this much. She only did this to use me and to get under my skin as far as to hurt me and I have hurt long enough over this. At one point it was even so bad that I could not eat, sleep, or do anything to function properly and yet still I was somehow able to do good in school and find a way to stay focused. I quess that's my soldier mentality, "Once a US Soldier, always a soldier" With that being said I have definitely learned a valuable lesson from this and I will never put my heart and feelings out on the line that fast again for it just to be taken for granted by anyone ever again. Not saying that I won't ever be able to love someone again, but it will be a long time from now.

I have now finally come to the conclusion that relationships are not just based on loving and caring for one another. Those are just two things that everyday people live by in them. True, yes u must have atleast those two things but what we dont realize as people in the process is that it takes a little more then just loving, caring, and being with someone just because we feel that we need to. At times relationships can get rough, no matter how well it can go almost anything can happen at any givin time. There are ways to keep this conflict from happening before it goes sour but only if you are truly ready to really understand how relationships work. Now im not saying that u can't make eachother happy with just love, lust, and careing, but what i am saying that it will not last in the long run if your not happy as a person on the inside. Only you yourself knows what you want out of life and a relationship. One thing that i have come to realize after dating for 13 years and from the relationships that ive been in is that it dont matter how much u love someone or care for someone it will not work if the person whom u are with does not make u feel good on the inside as a person. That is very important in all types of relationships no matter who u are and where u come from. Its just like the sayin goes that if u dont love yourself then how can u love anyone else. This comes into play with the same thing that im talkin about. If the person u are with dosent make u love your self just as much as u love them, then why be with someone who dosent make u feel good as just being yourself, it dosent make any sense to me. In short, dont try to live your life for anyone else, especially if they want to try to change u in any way. Just be yourself and take your time. Yea, things will happen unexpectedly, but there are ways to figureing them out but only if you make eachother feel good on the inside will it ever work out. You can say that u have all the love in the world for someone but it wont ever matter if you dont make that person feel good as them selves. The key here is, tell that person that they did a good job even when they think they didnt, tell them that you like the way they look even when they think they dont, tell them that you know they tried thier hardest even if they think they didnt, and last one but not the least probably the most important one of all. Tell them that u apreciate them and all that they have done for you and for their selves.