beautifulstarmandy's blog: "My Deepest of Thoughts"

created on 10/13/2006 | http://fubar.com/my-deepest-of-thoughts/b13482

posted on 10/24/2006&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;08:10&nbs-07:00;pm

finally
http://fubar.com/finally/b13482-52905

Alone I sit wondering why my weakness is so strong I reach out to the outside world Wondering where I belong Lonliness capturing me, imprisoning me, Slowly I am dying inside Wet tears turning into ice From the Love I have been denied Trying each day to do the right thing But I was taught only anger and pain How can I raise children to be healthy When each cut gets closer to the vein My lonliness and My anger It destroys me to the bone I am so surrounded by love But in my heart I am still alone Copyright ©2006 Mandy Faith Wilson

As a child I suffered severe abuse, As a teenager I placed my self in some horrible situations, to only get hurt, physically and emotionally and other ways I can only pray that no one reading this has had to go through, As years progressed I found a way to handle my emotional pain, I caused sever physicall pain to myself.. I was your average cutter, I almost suceeded a couple of times of ending my life. It sure is amazing how all the other times I cut myself it stayed hidden untill The day I went too deep! Almost bleeding too death I was found and hopitalized. I realized all the times I felt alone I guess I really wasn't..................... I should not be here Not from what I have been through, but I am here, A survivor just trying to let the past go

Copyright ©2006 Mandy Faith Wilson In My Heart The dreams that I hide from everyone Are kept alive deep inside The love that I am afraid to show Is hidden under fear and pride The sorrow and the tears The memories I hide The child I never could be and the child hood that was denied ALL lives hear in my heart Copyright ©2006 Mandy Faith Wilson My Monster I know it is my fault, I can’t shake this feeling of hatred and resent My heart is yearning for something more , I am never quite content I am nobodies victim anymore.. And no one can hurt me ever again So why is my heart still locked away, and I am so lost within Sometimes I feel alive, but mostly inside I feel dead My heart is beating but I am what I dread A true monster, selfish, no patience, and little control I hate myself sometimes, at least the part that lives without a soul. Somehow I manage to keep the demon inside me quiet for a while I can love and laugh and even have an honest smile But I can not kill this demon, this monster that lives inside of me And sometimes for no reason the part I hate breaks free Awakening the past I have tried to bury down so deep The memories keep resurfacing, this pain is just too steep Again the real me is buried while the ugly comes out to play Is there ever an end, will this monster ever go away Copyright ©2006 Mandy Faith Wilson

I am so screwed up I can not do anything right My life is a constant battle Even in the dreams I dream at night I am so worn out Of trying to fight this depression I have been at war that it has darkened My facial expression. Each day just trying to get through Sometimes I just don’t know what to do Copyright ©2006 Mandy Faith Wilson

My testimony I never believed I was worth loving. I thought everything bad was my fault I had been hurt my childhood life so I locked my heart up in an iron vault I sat in self pity and self hatred my death was what I anticipated I did not want to hurt no more I rather would be dead I use to cut my wrist and armsJust so I could see the red Hurt is all I ever felt No matter where I went it never changed Perhaps a different circumstance Or maybe some things were rearranged Yet somehow physicall abuse caught up to me No matter who I ran to And in my head I thought if everyone can hurt me Than I can do it to Than in a moment I was a mother with child I carried life inside my womb I finally believed in dreams again And I crawled out of my tombLife started to make since I had a purpose and nothing else mattered anymore I was free of my past All the past no longer matterd any more But the Lord had another purpose He had another plan And my heart was broken more Than by any other man For instead of giving birth to a new life I gave birth to a lifeless baby And all my hopes and dreams Were ripped away from me I lashed out and made many mistakes I heart others and cause deep heartbreak Nothing else could ever matter My world was nothing but torn and shatterd Then like a miracle....a rainbow after the rain The Lord blessed me with another life that got me through the pain Not that my son could be replaced but I know he has more peace and love than I could ever give And through the Lord and my sons, I had a new reason to live. I let the Lord in and handed him my broken heart He put it back together though it was torn millions of pieces apart Copyright ©2006 Mandy Faith Wilson

Like everybody I have made some pretty bad mistakes in my life. I hurt people.....though it was never my intentions.....but sometimes life just works that way. U never know what life is going to throw at you. Sometimes you are strong enough to over come it. SOMETIMES U CRASH AND BURN.....What makes you strong is learning from the mistakes and move on. I use to live in self pity. I grew up with a lot on my plate. No.....I will not go into my whole childhood.....but it succked like a lifetime Movie. It could have been a life time movie......that's my next project...lol. Anyways for the longest time I was hurt and messed up. I was so young and even younger emotionally when I started running away from home and stuff....I ended up in some pretty nasty situations. and even worse when I was 18.I was your typical Screwed Up Kid. I hated myself and I blamed my self for everything. Well now that I am grown I realized yes I made some mistakes....but nothing that deserved what I went through. I have learned to make life a learning experiance. AND YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON......You can trust but not be niave. But you have no right to play games with other peoples hearts........Dont test people. Dont hurt people...dont use people..or hurt people Its one thing when you were the victim in life.......YOu dont want to be like the one who hurt you......And after awhile you need to move on and stop being the victim. So many pple including my self who have been hurt can never let go of that pain. I didnt let go of the pain till i was like 24. I decided I am no longer a victim and I am not going to let my past hold me back. NO MORE FEElING SORRY FOR MYSELF. It took a lot of time. and my faith in the Lord kept me strong. And I had some really special friends.......A Few REAL FRIENDS....that loved me no matter what........friends who were on my side but honest with me. They didnt act as a crutch like some of my other so called friends did.....ppl that bought me down. And my husband A.J.........we have been through hell and back and took that trip a couple times. It takes true love to get through what we have been through. And God had his hand in that too. So now Here I am. Mommy of three. IN love and on Lexapro. Unfortuantly when you live a life of fear, constantly living on edge and in terror....well it causes a chemical imbalence......so if you have had a really rough child hood or tramatic experiance.....that may have caused depression or anxiety check out Lexapro. It works on the imbalance but doesntt cause a high or low like most drugs.....Which is good for a mother of 3 like me. Each day I would struggle with yesterdays heart break; Taking it out on those who love me today I was afraid and ashamed of the thorns of love I spent my hole life hiding and running away But no longer will those thorns hurt me They have dried out and blown into the night My wounds are finally healing My scars are fading and I am going to be alright