Forever Broken's blog: "fd up nature of a human"

who wouldve thought we would have to be apart, that one of us chose to make a new start. One alone now to cry on your shoulder no more, No time to laugh, till we just cant laugh anymore. Torn apart by adulthood and stability, forever broken and torn heart..... ill miss you..... ill miss you..... you were the one there through all the shit, the pain, the good time and bad.. i dont know what i am going to do with out you. so so long my love my one and only true friend i hope that you find happiness and joy in all that you do.

OK so here is my rant at the moment... I know that i have done a lot of shitty things in my life. What drives a person to egg someone on to kill them selves. Taunt and Torture someone till they take a bottle of pills, point that barrel down their throught, or fasion a noose out of their own shoelaces. To sit there and tell them that they would be better off DEAD, then for you to have to put up with them. Isn't easier to ignore them. How do you go from that person being your love, your one and only till death do you part, to wanting the death part to occur on the other persons behalf. Since when is it ok for people to murder by assosiation with out retrabution. To drive the person to severe depression that they hate themselve more then you hate them. Especialy if you know that person has a history of depression and is not on thier medication. Suicide doesnt just hurt those that kill themselves, it more hurts the ones that love them the most. So yeah you would be with out them, but so would those people that would do anything to be with that person for just one more moment. Unfortunately you thought only of the gradification of your moment in time. The moment when things would just be better if that person was not around. And now you sit there having to dry the eyes of thier Mothers, Fathers, Brother, Sisters, Children,and all of the others that will miss them dearly. Feeling the guilt the sits unresoled within yourself.

Ok i am starting to get realy pissed off now. Cps is dicking me around again. I havnt seen my boys in over 2 weeks. Havent seen Xander in 3 weeks. They still havent set up my psycological evaluation and and lagging on getting me to oly for my ager managment classes. I tell you, they say they took them on a better safe then sorry basis due to my mental dissabilities (aka depression) but how do you think i feel now knowing that i may be cut off of my children at any given minute yah im not all peachy keen about it am i I think that they are useless they dont help those who do need it and fuk with us who didnt yah i was crabby but name one woman on this earth that wasnt at 8 mo prego and her hus was gone at wks at a time I have done some shitty stuff in my life but i tell you i would give my life for those children and did i love my kids more then anything on this god forsaken planet and any thing beyond i have and always will put the needs and wants of them befor my own If you are feeling the same plz pass on the word this monstrosity of exessive money hungrey volturizim has to stop!!!!!! Why cant they help those who need it and just leave me ALONE!!!!!!

Ok i know that is was confusing Ken and i Split a yr ago I am with Chris and have been for 6 wonderful mo I cheated on Chris with Ken resently and i know i fuked up I love Chris very much but so i do Ken I am confused and heart broken Chris and Ken both know of each other

So heres the thing i know that i am a horrible rotten cheating bitch. I love Chris Very much and never intended to hurt him. What am i supposed to I love them both. Ken for the year that we have had together and the kids we have. Chris on the other hand makes me feel beautiful wich hasnt happened in a long ass time. i know that i would have stability with Ken but the lack of trust on his end hinders sooooo much. Not to mention the fact that i know for a fact he would never give up his longing for all that is lusty for me. Chris faithfull devoted charishin chris what else can i say. I am sooooo confused and dont know wich way to lead. I know if i left Chris yet again it would be the end no more chances for redemption and i dont want to make a rash disicion. I dont think ken realy is in love with me anymore, i know that he cares very deeply for me and our children but somtimes i feel like all i was was a breeder for him an enqubator. I also know that Chris is very young and somday is going to want kids of his own (already does) but unfortunatly Ken and I made the desision to have my tubes tied cut and burned after xander was born......... someone help me