Lesava's blog: "Nikki's Views"

When we had to evacuate after the fire in Nov 2018, we came up to my cousin's home in Oregon that she shares with her husband.  Before we moved there, I didn't feel one way or the other about her, it seemed like after my father died, she pretty much had little to know contact with my mother since mom was only their aunt by marriage.  And I didn't know her husband aside from being at their wedding a few months before the fire.  

We stayed with them for three months after the fire.  We were in their basement, in their music room, I slept on a double bed and mom slept on an air mattress, and our dog Bruiser was in his playpen down there, which took up alot of room.  We had to climb up ALOT of stairs to get to the main level where the front room, kitchen, etc were.  They had a spare bedroom, but they had a sick cat in there, she had FIV and was in such horrible shape that she should have been humanely euthanized years before.  The cat had a better room than us.

Anyway, my cousin LOVES her cats and animals in general.  There was cat hair everywhere, and the kitchen was just always so dirty.  Our home was always clean, not perfection, but dust was non existent.  Most of our time there, we were sick because my cousin was always sick, due to her never eating properly, and not wanting to take medicine, EVERYTHING had to be natural.  My asthma returned in full force thanks to their home.  When we finally got our own place, I was so happy I cried.  I loved her husband, he was such a terrific man, and did so much for us, so did she, in her own way.  But I was so ready to get out of there.

Today, we were invited over there for a mini BBQ, just the two of them and us.  I told Mom no, I'm not going over there.  First of all, it's in the high 90s today, which my asthma hates with a passion, I can't be outdoors alot.  Our dog would not have been happy over there, he is very small and the heat affects him greatly.  Plus, there is no where comfortable for my back over there.  And I just don't feel comfortable with my cousin; she is always questioning me about our finances, what we bought, how the lawsuit is going, etc.  I also have a problem with depression when I go there.  It was such a dark time when we were there, and it has just stuck with me to this day; plus there are pics of my uncle all over the house, and he sexually touched me when I was a young girl.  It's not their fault for the depression, it just is. I love Dennis, and would have liked to have seen him today, but I'm just uncomfortable over there for all the above reasons.

Of course I got shit from my mother.  I explained all my reasons, told her if she wanted to go, she could have at it.  I told her, I love my cousin, I do love her, but I don't like her, I don't like how she lives her life because it affects everyone around her so negatively.  We don't many people around here, since right after we moved in the pandemic started, so it was difficult to meet people, so I don't like saying no to them, but I just can't do it today.

I will have more friends around here once we start hitting the gym, going to the Moose Lodge for meals and events, etc.  Until then, I have to keep my time over at their place to a minimum.  I hate that it has to be that way, but for my mental, emotional and physical health, that is how it has to be.