IJ's blog: "Everything"

My Mothers Love Words can't express the way I feel Or the thanks for all you've done it deserves much more than" love ya mom" Cause I'm proud to be your son The first of three, your baby boy and all the hell I've put you thru you've been right there, the ups and downs I've always been able to turn to you From a soothing voice to calm my nerves to a shoulder for me to cry you're always there when I need you most It never matters where or why Some people wait their entire lives for a sign from up above I guess I've had my sign since birth and thats my mothers love...

i sit here alone ...i hurt here alone your voice is only a phone call away I'm kind of surprised, i'm sitting here typing silently angered that i woke up today the dreams , getting worse, have now followed me conscious man, i am so glad no one sees in my head the bodies, the burning, the evil clowns laughing the blood-crusted fingers … the smell of the dead I know that a sure thing is 10 ft behind me i know, in my head...that it's violent and quick but i've heard from the stories, the first one’s to find you are mentally scared by the mis-handled sick what stops me is thinking, that momma will find me her little boy gone now...replaced by a mess i imagine her falling, her legs will not hold her and her heart giving out, from the weight of the stress so do i keep breathing... or living or hoping please tell me the safe word that stops all the pain one day, might not care... and just pull that trigger my luck, I will miss...lose an ear, not my brain...

love and emotion ripping thru my soul the challenge of a new day, missing your touch we spoiled ourselves those last few weeks those days, now passed, that i miss so much the pain of the days without you near the love, so strong, it makes me weak you hold my heart, it's in your hands the chills i get when your name i speak late last night, i had a dream i woke up angry that it wasn't true cause in that dream you were my wife and i realized i belong with you i'm hoping my life's like that dream and one day soon you'll be my wife i know i could not love you more your my days and nights...you are my life

My fallen friend I write this poem to say goodbye to a friend both dear and true but every time I start to write it seems the pain returns anew it's hard to lose someone so close i'm still in shock, you see though you are gone your smile lives on in Logan and Trinity how maya takes it i do not know she was so much more than your wife you'd been together since about 13 shes truely lost the love of her life to all of us you've left behind who will miss you every day the way God took you away from us was a wake-up call for those who play I hope that time will dull this pain that we'll all feel till the end just know, up there, your sorely missed Bubba, my fallen friend...

The me the sadness apon me... my temples are throbbing all the loudness of nothing, how it's crushing me down and then thru the stillness.. I begin to hear whispers And I can't block it out... such a god-awful sound something has happened and everything's different something is missing... has it been all along? just when i thought that it couldn't get better everything changed... now my everything's wrong this is the me that writes, when I'm not smiling this is the me that stays.... hidden within the me that I call on.. when I just can not take it the me that stands up when I've fallen again...

untitled waking in cold sweats again ears still ringing from the scream I try to still my beating chest and convince myself it's just a dream Why does it keep me up at night why do i get such little peace how many times do I have to fall before my life will finally cease I'm tortured now, both night and day cause thru it all my heart is breaking i cannot stop this flow of tears and I cannot stop my hands from shaking what do I do... what do I feel theres nothing there, I'm numb inside i feel like I've been hollowed out all the hours I've just sat and cried I cry for my g-ma, I cry for my father I cry for the anger thats boiling deep down fist shook to the heavens for the turn my lifes taken and for letting me lose the true love that I'd found

I feel as if things, they are starting to better it began with me meeting the love of my life she opened a part of my heart that was broken already in Fubar, I have made her my wife she's given me reason to spend my day smiling she's given me purpose, her love is so strong she makes me feel like I do really matter my beacon of right in this world full of wrong We both have felt sorrow, so recent.... so total it's taken her smile to bring me from my haze it seems I've been stumbling around in a circle it was her, not some cheese, coaxing me thru the maze...

Watching my love, hurt’s me so bad It made me see something I’d missed How I never stopped to say goodbye A fact that has me almost pissed it only took me almost 2 damn years to finally try and say goodbye to tell you how my life has fallen since the days I had to watch you die you were my father and my best friend you were my boss, me... your right hand oh god the times we almost starved now looking back... I understand you tried so hard to keep control molded me into the man that I am a hero's love , thru all your faults you taught me to not give a damn Oh god pop, my heart hurts so bad you were such a big damn part of me I got your smile, your hair, your eyes and I 'm bout as crazy as a man can be how many times I 've stopped my hand as it's reaching for the phone again as if by luck... just one more talk tho I don't know where I'd begin we thought you had it all worked out and everything would be just fine not two days after your last breath gone were the lists you said you'd sign god damn it pop... she took it all for all that work and all those tears it seems now, we don't have anything except memories from all those years I tried to give you half my liver it broke my heart to hear your" no" so instead I got to watch you die my tough old man, you died so slow so now I've got my box of ashes a chunky bracelet and a broken soul the crushing knowledge, that you're gone forever where I kept my heart, there’s now a hole... I miss you so much...

I feel the meds are kicking in the little buzz, the far off stare the room is filled with mumbling from many things that are not there my fingers numb, the ears are ringing the vision blured, my mouth gone dry I'm losing track of everything it makes you stop and wonder why imprisioned in these walls of flesh deep inside my my mind is breaking blown in the wind like tattered strings fueled by the buzz, somethings awaking...

I sit here and wonder, just how did she do it cause as if by magic ... it just all went away the sadness had set in, it's weigh like an anvil but it only took her smile to lighten my days I'm pretty damn sure that she knows how I'm falling It's not like I hide it... if you know me you know so much in common, theres no wonder I love her but I don't wanna jinx it, so I'll take this one slow first thing in the morning, my thoughts are about her then all thru the day...thru both IM's and texts I let her know my heart, is hers for the taking and I don't even want to start thinking about sex a beauty so intense it renders men stupid a smile like an angel... this vision so rare I can hardly believe that this is my woamn to walk holding her hand, O how they will stare she tells me that she too, is falling hard for me that she too is nervous, the feelings so strong I 'm hoping that this poem will show her I love her and right by my side... that's where she belongs...